Who's afraid of the big, bad... relationship?
I do want a relationship. And as much as I say that I don't, I want one to the same extent. I'm just scared.
I'm scared of it falling apart. I'm not the best with relationships. In fact, I think that I kinda suck. And it's not that I'm too selfish to be in a relationship, or too smothering, or anything like that. But I suck at balancing my time. And I hate that, because I get so upset with other people for not balancing their time well. I completely understand that when you're in a relationship, all you want is to spend all of your time with that person. You don't want to go dancing on Friday night anymore, you want to snuggle close with that someone and stay in. You don't want to spend hours on the phone with your friends, talking about boys, because you have your own now, and you'd rather just be talking to him. And I understand all of this, but I don't want to become this. And last time I was faced with balancing, I went from one extreme to the other, and ended up losing out. I can already feel myself pulling in one direction, and I hate it. I refuse to be one of those girls that disappears just because she finds someone new. And it's been over a year since my last relationship, and I know that I've grown up a lot since, but I don't want to enter into a relationship, hoping to have no problems balancing, and ending up throwing myself into a huge mess. I'm scared of the emotions involved, and the fragility of the entire situation.
I'm scared of it becoming too comfortable. Relationships are amazing when you get to that point where you can predict each other's behaviors, and you feel that you know all of their little quirks and idiosyncracies. But what I'm afraid of is the rut that follows the ability to become so comfortable. When every night, you do the same thing, see the same people. When everything is just a routine. And then before you know it, you feel like you're married, and you fight about dumb things, and even worse, you get bored. Because I know that when you get bored with each other, that's all that matters, and sure as hell know how hard it is to pull yourself out of that boredom. And I'm scared that I won't be able to make it out, and that it will all just disappear, as if it had never been.
I'm scared of it being a lie. I am not a very trusting person. It is so hard to gain my complete trust, and I wouldn't say that I view everyone as a liar, but I have a hard time viewing everyone as honest. And I have an especially difficult time trusting people in relationships. I look at them, and think, why are you with me? Because I will see whoever I'm with as this amazing person. And they will have so much to offer, and I will question why it's me that they picked. And that doesn't make me self-conscious, or anything like that, it just makes me wonder. Wonder what could their motive be. And do they really care, or am I just available. And I always have that fear, sometimes only in the back of my mind, that they really don't care about me. And I'm scared that I might be right.
And I know that I'm always telling people that you can't live your life through fear, but sometimes, it's just all that you can do.
I'm scared of it falling apart. I'm not the best with relationships. In fact, I think that I kinda suck. And it's not that I'm too selfish to be in a relationship, or too smothering, or anything like that. But I suck at balancing my time. And I hate that, because I get so upset with other people for not balancing their time well. I completely understand that when you're in a relationship, all you want is to spend all of your time with that person. You don't want to go dancing on Friday night anymore, you want to snuggle close with that someone and stay in. You don't want to spend hours on the phone with your friends, talking about boys, because you have your own now, and you'd rather just be talking to him. And I understand all of this, but I don't want to become this. And last time I was faced with balancing, I went from one extreme to the other, and ended up losing out. I can already feel myself pulling in one direction, and I hate it. I refuse to be one of those girls that disappears just because she finds someone new. And it's been over a year since my last relationship, and I know that I've grown up a lot since, but I don't want to enter into a relationship, hoping to have no problems balancing, and ending up throwing myself into a huge mess. I'm scared of the emotions involved, and the fragility of the entire situation.
I'm scared of it becoming too comfortable. Relationships are amazing when you get to that point where you can predict each other's behaviors, and you feel that you know all of their little quirks and idiosyncracies. But what I'm afraid of is the rut that follows the ability to become so comfortable. When every night, you do the same thing, see the same people. When everything is just a routine. And then before you know it, you feel like you're married, and you fight about dumb things, and even worse, you get bored. Because I know that when you get bored with each other, that's all that matters, and sure as hell know how hard it is to pull yourself out of that boredom. And I'm scared that I won't be able to make it out, and that it will all just disappear, as if it had never been.
I'm scared of it being a lie. I am not a very trusting person. It is so hard to gain my complete trust, and I wouldn't say that I view everyone as a liar, but I have a hard time viewing everyone as honest. And I have an especially difficult time trusting people in relationships. I look at them, and think, why are you with me? Because I will see whoever I'm with as this amazing person. And they will have so much to offer, and I will question why it's me that they picked. And that doesn't make me self-conscious, or anything like that, it just makes me wonder. Wonder what could their motive be. And do they really care, or am I just available. And I always have that fear, sometimes only in the back of my mind, that they really don't care about me. And I'm scared that I might be right.
And I know that I'm always telling people that you can't live your life through fear, but sometimes, it's just all that you can do.