This Is Me!
It takes many tries and different turns around corners to come right back to where I started from. Where did I start from, not only the wrong question but a stupid one? I change always to become better, experience life, and just get away from what I know. Every time shows the same thing, I come right back to where I began. The only thing along the way is that I picked up habits, traits, values, issues, knowledge towards life, new groups of people, and anything of the above. I know how I am and it’s not strange for me to know anymore because I’ve faced my own image for a long time. My surface starts out as I am a clown, an entertainer if you will. Meeting people for me is an activity, not a popularity contest! Meeting people also keeps my craving for attention in order because I have a big taste for it. Along with acting the fool and pretending to act the fuck, I am reading everyone; I want to know how they act, how they treat people, how they live, and how they see themselves as a person. I have many different characters I play: gay, straight, bodybuilder, thug, hustler, player, and many more. But in reality "I’m complex on the surface and simple deep down." I want the human condition: to live peaceful, love and share life with another, and raise one like me. The rest of life is just the details. When people get to know me they wonder where all the glamour, never ending jokes and laughs went, when in all actuality they are seeing me for who I am. But it is true I act different around certain people. Like the characteristics I’ve played that I’ve once announced. The trick is not having to play any of them around the ones that care and love me for who I am. People that catch me as a normal person see who I am and the person I change into around other people. Not to get anyone wrong I am usually weird, crazy, spontaneous, and ready to please. But for those few they catch me thinking they see me lead, help, teach, care, want, need, love, and just being a person like everyone else but with a gift of not letting anyone interfere with my life. I know now that I have different worlds I go to. I don’t ever feel I live in the same space as anyone else. I see ideas, get images in my head of dreams had from another life, and always thinking like my girl (DDAY).
The weird thing with her is that she’s not my girl, she’s a person I look up to. I don’t know if it was the way she was raised or who she’s always been because I think I’m getting one side and I haven’t seen the rest. Meaning when I see her she’s ice, no feeling, letting any thing in or out, she’s just there breathing and letting life role by. I never can read her because she doesn’t want to me, she doesn’t ever leave me any clues and the ones that I’ve left her are some illusions and some not. In my case: I love her to the extent of wanting more time to be with her, I respect her because I see the fire in her eyes (the fire that drives people not to give up and to live life), and the only reason why I still call her back is I showed her a lil of who I was and she liked it. Aww, that girl gives me pains everywhere because she just doesn’t care and if she did she wouldn’t ever tell me. That hurts the most. Out of all the people I’m going to miss the most while Im gone she’s one of em. For a person that never gives me the time of day and for a tease such as her I want to be with her, the time that I’ve had with her (though limited) was more then I expected.
Off that and on to one more subject: women and me....more the like “hardly any” and me. Through a really good friend of mine I learned that playing the game isn’t my thing. I enjoy entertaining, helping people trance out of their dismal lives, forget the past, and basically used as a drug to help rather then doing the real thing...but connecting with any of them is rare for me to want it. Im not a player, pimp, and I found out that I don’t want to be. Sex is the worst way to enjoy a new found friend, person to fuck, or just someone that was there to do because one of the two will get connected. Mainly I miss those girls who had that sparkle of light in their eyes and they weren’t fake with no drama to cry about. And if there is, they don’t bring it into the relationship because they want it to be pure. Found out the hard way that I cant date, date, date, and date because I wont find the person Im supposed to be with that way. First thing comes faith and follow through with life to find her. Im just a one person man. Thank God because I hate pretending being someone Im not to have a brief moment with someone I just met at a bar. I want to meet her in a moment when I didnt know she was looking, when she was looking at me being real and not a jester like the one I am the ones that don’t know me……………………
The weird thing with her is that she’s not my girl, she’s a person I look up to. I don’t know if it was the way she was raised or who she’s always been because I think I’m getting one side and I haven’t seen the rest. Meaning when I see her she’s ice, no feeling, letting any thing in or out, she’s just there breathing and letting life role by. I never can read her because she doesn’t want to me, she doesn’t ever leave me any clues and the ones that I’ve left her are some illusions and some not. In my case: I love her to the extent of wanting more time to be with her, I respect her because I see the fire in her eyes (the fire that drives people not to give up and to live life), and the only reason why I still call her back is I showed her a lil of who I was and she liked it. Aww, that girl gives me pains everywhere because she just doesn’t care and if she did she wouldn’t ever tell me. That hurts the most. Out of all the people I’m going to miss the most while Im gone she’s one of em. For a person that never gives me the time of day and for a tease such as her I want to be with her, the time that I’ve had with her (though limited) was more then I expected.
Off that and on to one more subject: women and me....more the like “hardly any” and me. Through a really good friend of mine I learned that playing the game isn’t my thing. I enjoy entertaining, helping people trance out of their dismal lives, forget the past, and basically used as a drug to help rather then doing the real thing...but connecting with any of them is rare for me to want it. Im not a player, pimp, and I found out that I don’t want to be. Sex is the worst way to enjoy a new found friend, person to fuck, or just someone that was there to do because one of the two will get connected. Mainly I miss those girls who had that sparkle of light in their eyes and they weren’t fake with no drama to cry about. And if there is, they don’t bring it into the relationship because they want it to be pure. Found out the hard way that I cant date, date, date, and date because I wont find the person Im supposed to be with that way. First thing comes faith and follow through with life to find her. Im just a one person man. Thank God because I hate pretending being someone Im not to have a brief moment with someone I just met at a bar. I want to meet her in a moment when I didnt know she was looking, when she was looking at me being real and not a jester like the one I am the ones that don’t know me……………………