(no subject)
So where do I even start? Well as you all already know, I had quit my job almost three weeks ago now. Yet that news is nothing in comparison to what happened exactly one week after I left...I found out that I was pregnant. Yeah, I was a little shocked myself to say the least. I was basically going into a mini melt-down. I mean I knew this wasn't planned, or ready for this, or even financially stable! So after taking two tests I waitied patiently until Robert got home and told him the news. He freaked to say the least, but I kind of expected that as I had done the same thing. Thursday I went into confirm it and Robert and I were still pretty heavy into the shock factor...By the time Friday came along it kind of seemed we were both on the same page. With that being said we are going to keep the baby and raise it together. He keeps kind of hinting that we'll get married, but I'm trying to not let myself feel too much. I believe him when he says it, and that's what scares me more than anything because I kind of believed him last time we tried this too. I guess I really just don't want to get hurt again. He broke my heart once and I don't want history to repeat itself. I actually told him this last night and he really made me feel better about the whole thing. In all honesty I could get hurt again, but at the same time if I actually let things happen maybe I'll end up happy too.
Then today I found out that my dad is really sick. They think he has a brain bleed. Last night they actually thought it was a stroke, but it turned out to be something else. They're transporting him to the biggest base in the middle east for a CT scan, if it is in fact a brain bleed he'll be transported to Germany where he will under go surgery to alleviate the bleed. I'm freaking out on the inside, but that's where I have to keep it for now. If my mom loses someone else I have to go back into Non-Emotional Sandy mode. She'll think I'm heartless, but at the same time I have to be the one that picks up the pieces because no one else ever does. I've been through this so many times now, it's really sad in all honesty. I know I have to not feel, I have to make it okay for everyone else. I wanted to cry today but I wouldn't let myself. Even pregnant and hormonal I couldn't do it. Instead I took down the christmas tree and did the dishes. I don't have time to be emotional, sometimes I wish I did, though.
I really just want life to be okay for once, I guess I was expecting too much.
Then today I found out that my dad is really sick. They think he has a brain bleed. Last night they actually thought it was a stroke, but it turned out to be something else. They're transporting him to the biggest base in the middle east for a CT scan, if it is in fact a brain bleed he'll be transported to Germany where he will under go surgery to alleviate the bleed. I'm freaking out on the inside, but that's where I have to keep it for now. If my mom loses someone else I have to go back into Non-Emotional Sandy mode. She'll think I'm heartless, but at the same time I have to be the one that picks up the pieces because no one else ever does. I've been through this so many times now, it's really sad in all honesty. I know I have to not feel, I have to make it okay for everyone else. I wanted to cry today but I wouldn't let myself. Even pregnant and hormonal I couldn't do it. Instead I took down the christmas tree and did the dishes. I don't have time to be emotional, sometimes I wish I did, though.
I really just want life to be okay for once, I guess I was expecting too much.