Dec 09, 2009 00:17
Ben came back around. after 4 good months of silence.
i got a long apology the day after thanksgiving and about two weeks later he came over. bearing many gifts (even one for my dog, catherine:))and more explanations and apologies.
i am still very cautious. though he statyed about 6 hours i did not allow even a kiss to take place.
believe me- it was rouuuugh.
but. timing is a bitch. aand doesnt it always happen this way.
things with me and micheal had and have really stepped up. i think he will need his own icon now. i was his date for thanksgiving. It was seriously the best thanksgiving i ever had. I had originally planned to be the third wheel with Corinne and Vinnie but they got sick . I asked michael, nervously, if i could joingn him and i got an immediate. "absolutely. i'll call you in the morning with the game plan" i was real worried hed just take me to a place with a bunch of pepople and leave me alone on a couch or something. i was even thinking he might already have a date or the girl he was seeing would be there. since our situation is not ( and still isnt) clarified. but no. all that worry for nothing.. i was clealy with him and he really didnt leave my side the whole night. he didnt even introduce me as " his friend." dude- i was surprised.
and was he hyped about the day too. he showed up an hour early. much to my dismay and when i yelled (naked and alarmed) this fact he says,
" oh, im not here to pick you up yet, i am just here to say hi ""
Um, what?
he ended up leaving before i could get the door cause my closet light blew out so -im like frantically trying to grab for anything that can quickly cover me to no avail.
then he texts me after that asking if i felt like going to starbucks first woth him. cause he felt like doing some reading..
why would he want company for reading. isnt that like a one person activity?
He kept asking me to ocme outside with him at the party too. and then thered be people outside
and then hed get quiet. and he had me lingering in the car when he dropped me off and then closed the door behind him when i finally got him to let me out and into my apt.. so // hes trying to talk to me about something , and losing the nerve. its become kind of obvious to me. but i will wait till he makes a clear advance, b.c our friendship makes the situation fragile.
Actually i got the text from ben as i was flirting textually with mike. haha. aaand. ok. this is really cute.
the next morning i get a call from Mike and hes like.
" i am heading over to a friends ranch to help her clean the stables but i have a nail clipper on me and i was wondering if you want me to stop by and clip yours real quick.. so are you decent?"
I was in my (not sexy) pajamas but what the hell. i quickly brushed my teeth and then there he was, clipping my nails over the sink for me.
aaand now he wants to meet my fami;ly. and he said yes right away when i asked him out to coffee later in trhe day even when i found out ( after he came in carrying some starbucks already) that he was at s different starbucks earlier , when i asked. still he said yes. and he carried my purse for me.. ( this is a guy that drinks beer watches football, says bro, and does pull ups from a doorway amidst conversation)this is a mans man.
I also bought him a bracelet that said love in hieroglyphics and he had me put it on his wrist right away, super happy.
he is into it.
but he was in SD this weekend so i thought it was a good time to have ben over and see how i felt.
i care for both of them but ben is like. a fucking cosmic experience.
im leaning against his shoulder watching a movie in my bed. and i fell asleep in - 3 minutes. i was not particularly tired. i can barely sleep in someone elses company at night, when i AM tired. both of my ex boyfriends who i did plenty of " sleeping" with.. i could never actually sleep comfortably when they were in my bed. same with friends. but ben puts me in zen. i swear to god. i am totally in love with this guy. i am totally in sync with him. i feel boundaries dissolve when i touch him. its crazy. its almost a womb like comfort. so what do i do?
i am waiting and seeing.
his disappearing act did nothing for my abandonment issues. but then i also look at the complete turn around micheal has had over the past 5 months. Well.. people really do change. this is something ive definately learned, and it has also done wonders for my sense of faith.
i am going to have to make a choice eventually. but until then i'm pretty happy.
and to make my life even more perfect. Me and Ian talked on the phone for about an hour the other night for the first time in around 3 years. its crazy to me how we can pick up like it was just yesterday. he couldnt stop saying how " totally thrilled and happy" he was to hear from me. and im really excited to be seeing him soon after such a long hiatus. we even made tentative plans to go to stephanies wedding together this summer. and he asked me if id go to israel with him. we;ll see about that. but attending the wedding together would be a-mazing on a few levels.
i got to say i am really feeling blessed lately.