I liked this a lot, Cat. The only bits were where it says "Early mid-to-late twenties." That was a bit choppy. And the beginning bit about parts. He didn't actually get any parts. You could be sneaky and let that be a lead in for him actually getting the necklace. I love the last paragraph! And I really want to read more (not just being nice. I'm not nice enough to just be nice.)
It was good. I liked it as a quick teaser for what I assume is much longer. There are only a couple things I would worry about?
1) Where it says "He gave a nod of approval as the man still on his bike sat there, helmet only turning to the right as he looked off across the grassy field." How can only his helmet move?
2) If you're unsure if your description of Stanton isn't as apt as you would like it to be, you can very well add a small sentence that has him getting a flirty stare of some sort from a random woman in the crowd. This would at least give us another clue that he is attractive.
This was great though! I need to get a writing journal now. You've done a good job inspiring me.
Ino-mun from Imperial Palace here~charielAugust 5 2008, 19:33:41 UTC
The things I like about it: Your descriptions. They're clean, and easy to read. Also, even from this short section, the plot is intriguing. :P And yes, the main character is visually appealing. Stanton is hot.
Another thing is his personality. It comes across pretty clearly, so yay!
Um. Suggestions? The only thing I can think of - and this is more just a personal preference than anything - is a thing about Stanton's description. The man was handsome alright, aged somewhere in his mid-to-late twenties... The "alright" doesn't feel right to me because it seems like you're re-emphasizing something that was already stated. Maybe: The man was what most would call handsome, aged somewhere in his mid-to-late twenties... But really, I think it's just my personal preference in choice of words, more than anything. :]
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It was good. I liked it as a quick teaser for what I assume is much longer. There are only a couple things I would worry about?
1) Where it says "He gave a nod of approval as the man still on his bike sat there, helmet only turning to the right as he looked off across the grassy field." How can only his helmet move?
2) If you're unsure if your description of Stanton isn't as apt as you would like it to be, you can very well add a small sentence that has him getting a flirty stare of some sort from a random woman in the crowd. This would at least give us another clue that he is attractive.
This was great though! I need to get a writing journal now. You've done a good job inspiring me.
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Another thing is his personality. It comes across pretty clearly, so yay!
Um. Suggestions? The only thing I can think of - and this is more just a personal preference than anything - is a thing about Stanton's description. The man was handsome alright, aged somewhere in his mid-to-late twenties... The "alright" doesn't feel right to me because it seems like you're re-emphasizing something that was already stated. Maybe: The man was what most would call handsome, aged somewhere in his mid-to-late twenties... But really, I think it's just my personal preference in choice of words, more than anything. :]
I like it! ♥
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