Tuesday, February 21, 2006
So I have not written here for a few months. There are reasons for that, and there are none. The biggest reason for not written here is that there is nothing good happening in my life right now. Same shit different day. I try to change the way that I am, but I seem to run into the same problem, I want more out of my life. There is no outlet that I can go through. I get sucked back into my old routines. Hide away till things get better. But they never do. I wonder if I go to a new place if things would change. But I don’t think they will. I am living in self denial. One of the problems is that I know what I want, but can not fine it. I have an ideal that I want, I just never find it. I never thought that after 25 years I would never have been in a relationship that would never last more then a few weeks. I thought that at this point in my life I would be in a committed relationship looking to start a family. But that’s not the case right now. I am just looking to be in a relationship at all. Who knows about family plans yet? So I go day to day, hoping to make it through the day, through the week, through the year. I move blindly into the future. No plans and no objective. My last thing, nothing else to call it, was not the best for me. It destroyed me. I am now just ready to be my old self. I have been out of the world for over 6 months. I have not started any new relations, and have really pulled away from old one. People can not be trusted. They all put up a fakeness that they want the world to see. And if you are not concise of this, you will never see it. I feel the only reason I can see this is because I have always been on the outside looking in. Growing up, I was pushed out of the in crowd early. I choose to see what was really there, not what they wanted me to see. I developed the skill to read people. It’s not really that hard now. Up the right situation their true nature comes out. When drink, one true self is exposed for all to see. But they still hold onto the image that they have. I need something new. People that are not afraid to be who they are. I know this is really hypercritical of me to say. I never show people the real me. Well that’s not really true; they just never see all of me. At times it feels as though I have multiple personalities that make their appearance to the situation. Wow, that’s a lot of information out in the open. Thank god only like 4 people read this.
On to other stuff, or at lest slightly different stuff. May be a little more focus here. Friendship. At time I really do not know if I have close ones. I know there are people that like me when I am around. Its just I need to put myself near them. There are a few people that do invite n place, that really want to hang out with me. Then there are the others that get mad that I never call them. They must forget that it does work both ways. They know how to get a hold of me. Do they? No, just say that we need to hang out. I wonder if that is what friendship is and that I have had it wrong all this time. I have to invite myself over to people’s places. That is just not my style. I don’t feel welcome unless I was invited. That gose even to thoughs that have geven me an open invite. I can give an instace on this. Sometime last month, I was hang out with a few people, just killing time. When the other person got home from work, he said we were dinking or that he was dinking and that someone was comeing over. Later I went back to my apartment to finish some stuff up, thinking that some would tell me. But I was wrong, I got the feeling that I was not wanted. A few weeks later, a coment was made in the form of a question if I was going to hide in my apartment again. I was not hideing, if I was wanted there, I would have been there.
Lets just say that it has been a trying few months. I am warn, I am beat. I can not go on the way things have been going. I just can not deal with it any more. I am so glad that I am leaveing in a few week for a vacation. The time off might help me regain the energy to do this all over again.
Well now that I have a lot of my feelings down, lets talk about what has happened in the past few months. First off, Christmas. It was really strange. I was a lone, did not go see the family. For one I was saving up my paid-time-off for this vacation I am going one. And another, I never want to fligh at that time of year again. So I felt like a big looser waking up Christmas morning to open presents by myself. So much fun. Then there was new years. Nothing too big, nothing like years past. It was just a small group drinking. I did have fun though. Got some good pay at that time. Oh yeah. I am the media supervisor now. I am fully in charge. That has pluses and neg. Although I don’t know what I am doing, I am trying my hardest to do well. Don’t think it is working to well. After new years, nothing else really happened. I prepared for my trip. In that I bought a laptop. I really like it. The trip to get the laptop was fun too. I got it mass. Lynne and I went to Boston for the weekend on a whim. That was a fun trip, also nice to get out of Bangor, Maine, for a few days.
Well that’s has been what’s going on in my life. Been busy doing nothing. Maybe the next time I write I will have more good things to say. I am not completely upset or depressed right now, I actually am doing alright, feeling all right. The bad day a fewer that the good. Life should take a swing for the better. Karma owes me that much from the shit she gave me the past few months. I may have done childish things in the past that have hurt some people, but what I went to was three times worse then what I ever did to people. Damn three folds law. I did a reading on myself, although it was fuzzy, it seemed as though things were not going to change for awhile. I will be patient and wait for the time. Until next time.
On to other stuff, or at lest slightly different stuff. May be a little more focus here. Friendship. At time I really do not know if I have close ones. I know there are people that like me when I am around. Its just I need to put myself near them. There are a few people that do invite n place, that really want to hang out with me. Then there are the others that get mad that I never call them. They must forget that it does work both ways. They know how to get a hold of me. Do they? No, just say that we need to hang out. I wonder if that is what friendship is and that I have had it wrong all this time. I have to invite myself over to people’s places. That is just not my style. I don’t feel welcome unless I was invited. That gose even to thoughs that have geven me an open invite. I can give an instace on this. Sometime last month, I was hang out with a few people, just killing time. When the other person got home from work, he said we were dinking or that he was dinking and that someone was comeing over. Later I went back to my apartment to finish some stuff up, thinking that some would tell me. But I was wrong, I got the feeling that I was not wanted. A few weeks later, a coment was made in the form of a question if I was going to hide in my apartment again. I was not hideing, if I was wanted there, I would have been there.
Lets just say that it has been a trying few months. I am warn, I am beat. I can not go on the way things have been going. I just can not deal with it any more. I am so glad that I am leaveing in a few week for a vacation. The time off might help me regain the energy to do this all over again.
Well now that I have a lot of my feelings down, lets talk about what has happened in the past few months. First off, Christmas. It was really strange. I was a lone, did not go see the family. For one I was saving up my paid-time-off for this vacation I am going one. And another, I never want to fligh at that time of year again. So I felt like a big looser waking up Christmas morning to open presents by myself. So much fun. Then there was new years. Nothing too big, nothing like years past. It was just a small group drinking. I did have fun though. Got some good pay at that time. Oh yeah. I am the media supervisor now. I am fully in charge. That has pluses and neg. Although I don’t know what I am doing, I am trying my hardest to do well. Don’t think it is working to well. After new years, nothing else really happened. I prepared for my trip. In that I bought a laptop. I really like it. The trip to get the laptop was fun too. I got it mass. Lynne and I went to Boston for the weekend on a whim. That was a fun trip, also nice to get out of Bangor, Maine, for a few days.
Well that’s has been what’s going on in my life. Been busy doing nothing. Maybe the next time I write I will have more good things to say. I am not completely upset or depressed right now, I actually am doing alright, feeling all right. The bad day a fewer that the good. Life should take a swing for the better. Karma owes me that much from the shit she gave me the past few months. I may have done childish things in the past that have hurt some people, but what I went to was three times worse then what I ever did to people. Damn three folds law. I did a reading on myself, although it was fuzzy, it seemed as though things were not going to change for awhile. I will be patient and wait for the time. Until next time.