(no subject)
So right now I'm supposed to be doing homework, but I can't I just keep thinking about last night. I keep asking, why do I have to be so fucking stubborn. When it comes to Jason and I, I am like the an insubordinate little girl. I never do what he suggests, even though I know he's right. I also have this problem with lying to him. I don't do it so much with others, but or some reason, I can't tell him whats really going on in my head. I think it's because I'm afraid to admit it to myself as well. That and I afraid that the truth will hurt him to badly. Thats really self righteous of me though, to think that I actually know what he can and can not handle. I keep forgetting that I am not the One who created him. I feel like I let him down,perhaps thats because I did. I can't give him what he wants, not right now, no matter how much I want to. I'm to self centered. I'm to busy, and I'm to fucking stubborn.
I'm kind of dating this kid in my English class and we were talking the other night about our last "relationships" and why they didn't work out. He said that maybe we can help each other through it. I would like to be there for him but I'm afraid that I'll do the same thing to him that I did to Jason. He told me that he doesn't want to get in a serious relationship with me right now, because he doesn't want to hurt me, that I deserve better than that. I felt like telling him that nothing was further from the truth, because the likely thing is that I'll end up being my stupid self and hurting him, before I give him that chance to hurt me. Thats what I do. If I feel like someone is going to hurt me then I get out before that happens. But the problem is that I really like this guy, and so right now I want to get out before I hurt him.
Right now all my past mistakes are coming back to slap me in the face, and I'm starting to realize exactly what type of person I am. I mean besides a fucked up one.
I'm kind of dating this kid in my English class and we were talking the other night about our last "relationships" and why they didn't work out. He said that maybe we can help each other through it. I would like to be there for him but I'm afraid that I'll do the same thing to him that I did to Jason. He told me that he doesn't want to get in a serious relationship with me right now, because he doesn't want to hurt me, that I deserve better than that. I felt like telling him that nothing was further from the truth, because the likely thing is that I'll end up being my stupid self and hurting him, before I give him that chance to hurt me. Thats what I do. If I feel like someone is going to hurt me then I get out before that happens. But the problem is that I really like this guy, and so right now I want to get out before I hurt him.
Right now all my past mistakes are coming back to slap me in the face, and I'm starting to realize exactly what type of person I am. I mean besides a fucked up one.