(no subject)
So the other night I had a break down moment. I was supposed to go salsa dancing at the Orchid here in town, but instead I got all dressed up walked out to my truck and suddenly found myself shedding tears nonstop for about forty-five minutes. I'm not really sure why I started crying in such a manner as this or such a place, but I found myself contemplating everything I knew about myself and asking questions like "why do I do the things I do" and others that go along that line. I thought so many negative things that night, things I knew I felt but never really fathomed. I then pulled out a card I received last semester from a speaker in my health class about depression. I looked over the symptoms it gave and I realized that I have so many of those characteristics, not to say that I am clinically depressed because everybody has those symptoms at some point in there lives, but a very important realization came to mind. All of you, all those who read this journal know me as a generally and genuinely happy person. And I realize that that is entirely my fault, because that is an image I have tried to keep up. I then began to understand how keeping up that image has effected me, it has stressed me out is so many ways. I have decided that it is time that I be more myself than who I want you to see me as. It's time I pull off this façade that I keep wearing and say to all of you something you all probably know but I've been trying to hide. I am one fucked up person; I have no idea what I want, where I want to go, or what on earth I am doing.
After it got to cold for me to stay in the truck I came back to my dorm hoping that nobody would see my swollen, red eyes. This hope failed. Jessica saw me come back early and came to find out why. I told her and she did exactly what I needed her to; she listened. She offered no advice, because none was asked for (something only women know about). And she farted which caused me to laugh, and relax. After a little recovery I felt strong enough to call Jason. He said something that confirmed my theory of a façade. He said “Leah you’re scaring me…I never thought I’d hear you say something like that.” This is exactly what I’m talking about…not even my boyfriend of three years knew that I sometimes thought like that. But now all who saw it now know the truth.
After it got to cold for me to stay in the truck I came back to my dorm hoping that nobody would see my swollen, red eyes. This hope failed. Jessica saw me come back early and came to find out why. I told her and she did exactly what I needed her to; she listened. She offered no advice, because none was asked for (something only women know about). And she farted which caused me to laugh, and relax. After a little recovery I felt strong enough to call Jason. He said something that confirmed my theory of a façade. He said “Leah you’re scaring me…I never thought I’d hear you say something like that.” This is exactly what I’m talking about…not even my boyfriend of three years knew that I sometimes thought like that. But now all who saw it now know the truth.