(no subject)
woot! partyness!
today i cleaned the house and started decorating stuffs and such! it was very very funniss. Other news, i opened a present from mom and russell early, it was phantom of the opera on dvd and glitter. You know, now that mom and i get along, now that I respect her and feel like she loves me, now that we have a relationship, it's so much harder. I mean, now, when i think of the fact that one day she'll be old, and she then she'll die and she won't be with me anymore, its so much harder now. But then, that's how i am. The moment i make a friend i wonder what will happen when we part, and when we part it hurts that much more because I knew that it would one day happen. When i start something i make sure that i finish it and when it's done i sigh at the memory of it. anyways, other news. a stranger on the street asked me to dinner and another sat down and started to tell me her life story. I wrote more of my book, clawing my way slowly throuhg the second draft. The tarot cards told my friend the same thing that my spririt guides said, and i wonder whether or not i'm ready to take that responsibility on. I am being pourposfully vague. I had been entertaining the thought of going back to school, normal school, santa cruz high or the like. I need to be around people, i don't think i can handle not seeing friends every other day. But then, i realized that going to santa cruz high would only delay the problem, not solve it. I mean, in real life you don't see people every day, you make plans, and stuff. The academics aren't a problem for me, contrary to popular belief, i am an intellegent person, i own two pairs of jeans and a mini skirt, i know how to put on make up, i have been asked out before (always by the wrong kinds of guys, people who i really didn't share anything much in common with) and i can study and do homework. But, i wouldn't be happy in normal high school so I'm not going. i tried the school thing, also the detention/delinquent thing, which i was rather good at i must say. haha. buuht, really unschooling's for me. What i am saying, is that i could be normal and do fine in school and look and talk and act like everyone else, but it would probably kill me again so i'm not taking the chance. Instead i'm going to bug my friends insessantly and force them to hang out with me. Also, i'm goanna carry a camera around with me, because i've found that when i had pictures to look at, pictures of myself with my friends, and people smiling and laughing with me, then i don't get as sad when I am alone again. I can look at the pictures and remember that it's not like how it used to be, it isn't! I have friends now, and they won't be the way my old friends were! There are people who care about me, i'm not all alone. the pictures are like my proof of that. they're like, my proof that things have changed. they have. I never used to let people take my picture, because I always look so horrid in them. I remember how much people used to laugh at the way i looked in pictures, how much they would tease and make fun of me. well, screw them. I dunno, i guess i'm hoping that maybe, if i start letting people take my picture and not hiding away from the camera, than maybe it'll help to silence those voices of the past, or at least dim them. Oh, and hey, if you are reading this, here's a peice of advice, you're going to get slapped if you come up to me with a camera and say" butyou said you lIIKEd to have your picture taken" or some other dumb ass remark. I don't like to have my photo taken and that is exactly my point. If you can't understand what i'm writing than keep your mouth shut alright?
Cc/Fawn
today i cleaned the house and started decorating stuffs and such! it was very very funniss. Other news, i opened a present from mom and russell early, it was phantom of the opera on dvd and glitter. You know, now that mom and i get along, now that I respect her and feel like she loves me, now that we have a relationship, it's so much harder. I mean, now, when i think of the fact that one day she'll be old, and she then she'll die and she won't be with me anymore, its so much harder now. But then, that's how i am. The moment i make a friend i wonder what will happen when we part, and when we part it hurts that much more because I knew that it would one day happen. When i start something i make sure that i finish it and when it's done i sigh at the memory of it. anyways, other news. a stranger on the street asked me to dinner and another sat down and started to tell me her life story. I wrote more of my book, clawing my way slowly throuhg the second draft. The tarot cards told my friend the same thing that my spririt guides said, and i wonder whether or not i'm ready to take that responsibility on. I am being pourposfully vague. I had been entertaining the thought of going back to school, normal school, santa cruz high or the like. I need to be around people, i don't think i can handle not seeing friends every other day. But then, i realized that going to santa cruz high would only delay the problem, not solve it. I mean, in real life you don't see people every day, you make plans, and stuff. The academics aren't a problem for me, contrary to popular belief, i am an intellegent person, i own two pairs of jeans and a mini skirt, i know how to put on make up, i have been asked out before (always by the wrong kinds of guys, people who i really didn't share anything much in common with) and i can study and do homework. But, i wouldn't be happy in normal high school so I'm not going. i tried the school thing, also the detention/delinquent thing, which i was rather good at i must say. haha. buuht, really unschooling's for me. What i am saying, is that i could be normal and do fine in school and look and talk and act like everyone else, but it would probably kill me again so i'm not taking the chance. Instead i'm going to bug my friends insessantly and force them to hang out with me. Also, i'm goanna carry a camera around with me, because i've found that when i had pictures to look at, pictures of myself with my friends, and people smiling and laughing with me, then i don't get as sad when I am alone again. I can look at the pictures and remember that it's not like how it used to be, it isn't! I have friends now, and they won't be the way my old friends were! There are people who care about me, i'm not all alone. the pictures are like my proof of that. they're like, my proof that things have changed. they have. I never used to let people take my picture, because I always look so horrid in them. I remember how much people used to laugh at the way i looked in pictures, how much they would tease and make fun of me. well, screw them. I dunno, i guess i'm hoping that maybe, if i start letting people take my picture and not hiding away from the camera, than maybe it'll help to silence those voices of the past, or at least dim them. Oh, and hey, if you are reading this, here's a peice of advice, you're going to get slapped if you come up to me with a camera and say" butyou said you lIIKEd to have your picture taken" or some other dumb ass remark. I don't like to have my photo taken and that is exactly my point. If you can't understand what i'm writing than keep your mouth shut alright?
Cc/Fawn