(no subject)
i'm not really sure how it got to this point. the point i'm at right now. but it did, and now i have to find a way to sort through the organized chaos that is my life and find a way to get back to "the norm", or whatever the fuck it is we have decided life should be like.
at more than one point in my life i was a straight A student. of course in high school, as an honors student, i found a way to manipulate the system. i quickly realized that with advanced classes you could try half as hard and still do well. this is why i had a silver chord and not gold; why strive for the best when you can slack and still do above mediocre? meanwhile, i digress...
needless to say, i am no longer this straight A student. there's no doubt in my mind that when i start going to an actual university, where the expenses are much higher, that i'll actually start trying. but when i told my parents i was taking an entire semester of internet classes because i was sick of spending gas money on going to class, it should have been a real clear sign that i didn't care about muskegon community college any longer. but i don't regret staying home in the slightest; dorm rooms, beer funnels, and walking to class doesn't exactly tickle my fancy.
i cannot wait until the end of may when i get to hand pick a fresh new squad of middle school girls to become my new little daughters and shape them into another kickass team that will conquer all next winter. it's what keeps me going, and i have extraodinary things planned for this semester. imagine if your coach planned camping trips, overnights, team cookouts and beach practices in middle school.
my new job is amazing. i absolutely love it. it's beyond strange to me how much of my unhappiness was caused by elder beerman, its employees, and my ex roommates. i'm alive and kicking, and i fricken love the change. for example:
"i love this place. i mean, coming in sucks. but once i get here, i look around and see all of these crazy people and realize "yup, this is where i belong." - mike. that pretty much sums it up.
more than anything, i think i need the rest of the doogie howser seasons on dvd.
i think my entire basis for writing this had something to do with love, or whatever that feeling is. i'm real fed up with it. i'm actually mad at myself for allowing myself to think so highly of someone, so frequently, for so many months. for some reason i didn't see the heartbreak coming from a completely gorgeous, hilarious, tall boy with great eyes and a fan base that spreads further than the state of michigan. normally i'd see that downfall coming in advance, but at the time i met him i also had a self awakening [the time of my life when i realized how amazingly kickass i really am]. so, it seemed plausible that this great guy was actually in to me, and he was, and then he wasn't. and now we've rid ourselves of each other, and my nights of staying up until morning playing video games, watching cartoon network and laughing my ass off are no longer in the cards. love stinks, yeah yeah. thank you, robby heart. this one really did a number on me.
all of these scenarios end up making me thinking about that brutal first one, and i get that temptation to think about first loves in a positive light. but it's just us all being kids, thinking we could actually be one of the few people who marry their first love, their high school sweetheart, and live a life similar to the ones we see in the movies. but it's never going to happen, sweetie. and you know why? because this is real, and there's nothing cinematic about it...except maybe the not-so-beautiful breakdowns that blind-side us like a ton of bricks when we least expect it. you can't que the music or lower the curtain; this is real. "it's not pretty; it's not disney." - gilmore girls.
i guess that's all.
at more than one point in my life i was a straight A student. of course in high school, as an honors student, i found a way to manipulate the system. i quickly realized that with advanced classes you could try half as hard and still do well. this is why i had a silver chord and not gold; why strive for the best when you can slack and still do above mediocre? meanwhile, i digress...
needless to say, i am no longer this straight A student. there's no doubt in my mind that when i start going to an actual university, where the expenses are much higher, that i'll actually start trying. but when i told my parents i was taking an entire semester of internet classes because i was sick of spending gas money on going to class, it should have been a real clear sign that i didn't care about muskegon community college any longer. but i don't regret staying home in the slightest; dorm rooms, beer funnels, and walking to class doesn't exactly tickle my fancy.
i cannot wait until the end of may when i get to hand pick a fresh new squad of middle school girls to become my new little daughters and shape them into another kickass team that will conquer all next winter. it's what keeps me going, and i have extraodinary things planned for this semester. imagine if your coach planned camping trips, overnights, team cookouts and beach practices in middle school.
my new job is amazing. i absolutely love it. it's beyond strange to me how much of my unhappiness was caused by elder beerman, its employees, and my ex roommates. i'm alive and kicking, and i fricken love the change. for example:
"i love this place. i mean, coming in sucks. but once i get here, i look around and see all of these crazy people and realize "yup, this is where i belong." - mike. that pretty much sums it up.
more than anything, i think i need the rest of the doogie howser seasons on dvd.
i think my entire basis for writing this had something to do with love, or whatever that feeling is. i'm real fed up with it. i'm actually mad at myself for allowing myself to think so highly of someone, so frequently, for so many months. for some reason i didn't see the heartbreak coming from a completely gorgeous, hilarious, tall boy with great eyes and a fan base that spreads further than the state of michigan. normally i'd see that downfall coming in advance, but at the time i met him i also had a self awakening [the time of my life when i realized how amazingly kickass i really am]. so, it seemed plausible that this great guy was actually in to me, and he was, and then he wasn't. and now we've rid ourselves of each other, and my nights of staying up until morning playing video games, watching cartoon network and laughing my ass off are no longer in the cards. love stinks, yeah yeah. thank you, robby heart. this one really did a number on me.
all of these scenarios end up making me thinking about that brutal first one, and i get that temptation to think about first loves in a positive light. but it's just us all being kids, thinking we could actually be one of the few people who marry their first love, their high school sweetheart, and live a life similar to the ones we see in the movies. but it's never going to happen, sweetie. and you know why? because this is real, and there's nothing cinematic about it...except maybe the not-so-beautiful breakdowns that blind-side us like a ton of bricks when we least expect it. you can't que the music or lower the curtain; this is real. "it's not pretty; it's not disney." - gilmore girls.
i guess that's all.