oh corpse bride, how I'll remember thee. 1/17/07
Time to sit down and actually write this. a real update.
right now, it's 1:11 am and i just got some ranch all over myself and my laptop because my ranch covered sandwich slipped from my fingers. but ahhh the deliciousness of a friendly's honey barbeque chicken supermelt. yum.
AAAnnnyyways. this is gonna be long.
so after christmas, much to my dismay, alex left me to move on to great things. that girl is destined for GREAT THINGS.
The days leading up to new years were crazy. my sister was told earlier that month that she had a tumor on her one remaining ovary. this scared me beyond belief. when i was 2 she was 12 and had ovarian cancer and her ovary was removed. it almost killed her. she went through hell with chemotherapy and it was just a bad time for my family. now, 16-27 years later, while getting a check-up to see if she could conceive children with satan himself, she hears this news.
prior to this past year, my sister toni was like a mother to me. more of a mother then our own. we were so close. but since her engagement ending and break off with matt (whom I'm still friends with) we've been distant. shes now dating this man whom she met at her work. he was her supervisor (ugh walmart.) he already has 2 kids and drinks beer constantly. during the summer i asked her for a favor (of which i've never asked anything from her, ever) and during a disagreement, mr. walmart answers her cell and yells at me, saying that I'm ungrateful and i shouldn't be asking anything from her and basically treating me like a child. she does nothing to take the phone from him, or correct him. she takes his side in my eyes. from then on, I've made no effort. But i've found myself torn between the sister that I know and love and fear for this terrible thing happening to her, and this person shes become, completely under his control, weak and uncaring. My mom and mr. walmart have never gotten a long, but since the ordeal with the tumor and such both my sisters have completely sworn off my mother. Mom was talking to my oldest sister Jill, and jill brought up the things that were going on with toni and mr. walmart takes the phone, tells my mother that if she wants to know about toni, to call and talk to her herself, then hangs up on her. he later would hang up on her again but in a different case. either way, toni did nothing to prevent this. in her situation i dont blame her for not wanting to deal with this stress, but it is this man who is causing the problems. yet she blames my mother. prior to her surgery to have the malignant tumor removed, i've called and talk to her. i can hear jill in the background saying these crude things about our mother. This plagues me so because of the fact that she is the one who during the summer would bring her children to my house and eat our food, take our cans to get money, and have my mother babysit while she goes out. my mother welcomed them with open arms and did whatever she could for jill and her grandchildren. and now she pulls this? ugh.
so heather accompanies me on the day of toni's surgery. we see her before she goes in. and it tears me up to see her in this situation. but i turn around and theres mr. walmart as a constant reminder of the life that my sister has thrown away. for a life with this man. blech. she made it through her surgery fine, and after leaving that hospital, i never did go see her again. call me a coward but i was only motivated to see her just so i wouldnt hear about how i didnt later on. but i realized i didnt care. without being given an ultimatum, toni had already chosen her boyfriend, to our family. Even on her birthday, when my dad called and left a message for her, it was never returned. and like, when she was a child, my dad was with her almost every day at the hospital. it's sickening. I love her, but i feel like my sister that i loved so much is gone. i see her, but its not her. it kills me.
But I've been doing much other things to take my mind off of the stresses of my family.
New Years was so amazing. went to Cabot st. and hung out with henry, shaina, tony, melissa, justin, peter, shayne, and kevin. Ligeia was amazing as usual. got a shirt for only $5. we left at like 11:30. peter myself henry and company were about to go to cvs is get some of the pictures from that night developed but we decided we wanted to be somewhere other then cvs at midnight. so we arrive at shainas house, where justin and her ran off to after the show, just 5 minutes before midnight. her living room was packed and we all yelled at midnight and tony made a cute little call to his dad and afi played loved like winter and all was right with the world because I was with the people I love. after, we continued with our cvs excursion while making silly phone calls to people to wish them a happy new year. after we got the pictures we parted ways with henry and co. and went to watch jackass 2. which was fucking hilarious by the way.
Next night I get a call from heather saying that miss jenn welch is missing. so that was a crazy night where we had to scooby doo it and go solve this mystery. ugh, so worried and scared. shes like my little sister. but thankfully she turned out to be alright. I dont even think she realizes the severity of the situation. her mom even called the cops lol
Went to the club in springfield with heather shaina and erica and peter and justin. the boys went off to rub their denim cocks on some chicks and the girls and I just did our own thing. there were some crazy dudes dancing with us, and dane cook is so right when he described how a girls friends can totally be cock blocks. because heather definitely had to get some crazy dude off my ass and i took heather and erica away from some nasty guys. eventually we did meet up with the boys and they danced with us. for some crappy reason I get sick when I'm overheated so we left a bit early and went over to dennys.
I actually find it pretty amazing that my mom doesnt even care about my curfew because I've come home at like 5am and she was awake and just didnt say anything.
Soon after, erica and shaina departed for a cruise to mexico and i was left with heather and the boys to hang with. we went in hot tubs at matts house and watched some crazy movies. ate lots of tacos and mcdonalds. i spent so many nights with those guys. I don't know what I'd do without them.
and with my camera, I've gotten some great pictures and videos of us.
kevin from arizona came up, but I missed him. it was my moms birthday one day that he wanted to see me, but i had dinner with her and me and heather made her traditional angel food cake. so we made plans for the next day to hang out, the last day he could.
after a night with the guys i come home to see that my dog has made a mess on the floor. i quickly cleaned and went to bed. apparently she had another accident after i went to bed and my mother found it in the morning. we've had biscuit since i was 6 years old. when i was in middle school my dad decided he didnt want her around anymore and he brought her to the mspca without telling my mom or me. luckily, my sister toni and her then fiance matt took biscuit in to live with them. she stayed there until they broke up and we agreed to take her back. so for a year or more she stayed with us. her age was showing badly though. her fur became coarse and grey. she wouldnt eat for days, and she would have accidents around the house. i believe her hearing was fading too. the arthritis in her back legs was making it hard for her to run and get up and down. and after that night my mom couldnt take it anymore. she put her foot down and it was decided that biscuit would be put down that day. i tried calling matt but he was working. so me and heather played with her outside a bit, said our goodbyes. and my mom went with my dad and took her away. and gone went the last bit of my childhood. the days of running around my yard pretending to be a power ranger and her being my enemy and how my grandmother would carry dog treats in her trunk for her when she would visit. shes gone. and i feel so guilty because I know she couldnt help it.
and luckily kevin understood me not wanting to hang out. i miss him so much. i really did love that kid. despite everything, the ups and downs, i meant it when i said i loved him.
And to add more sadness, heather called me one night and told me that liticia averys mom was killed. I only know liticia from heather and jenn but I know her brother josh. Jenn bought some nice things for them and we took them over to liticia. I can't imagine the pain she must be going through. her mother is the lady on the news. her boyfriend hit her with her car after they had a fight. but liticia is such a strong girl. I dont even know how she can be so composed as I've seen her. shes still hilarious to be around and we're going shopping tomorrow, then to her moms wake, and the funeral is on saturday.
I leave sunday. I dont want to go. as much as i miss the people there, I dont want this to end. i hate change. I want to drive around all night, and bake brownies and watch movies on futons that have the same sheets i have, and make monkeys outta cans and take crazy color pictures, go to cabot st. and watch the guys mosh, and come home at 4am and sleep til 3pm and eat tacos and choke on green tea and dance and make states outta rice crispies.
But I feel it. I can feel how I lack inspiration here. it sounds cliche and stupid but I breathe art up there, and it feels great, but here...i have no motivation. I know once I'm there i can finish mannys painting and do more with my journal. it just gets so boring up there. and i'm so far away from people, I feel like they grow apart from me. and I'm the one who has to come back and keep them with me. I'm the one making the trips home and the plans. erica once said to me that the only time the group sees each other during the school year is when I'm home. in the words of brand new "I was the glue that kept my friends together, now they don't talk and we don't go out." I won't let that happen.
Me and justin like to have late night talks about this. and I meant every word when i said that i won't let them go. he said that he doesnt know any adults that still have friends. they just have their husbands/wives and their kids. but my dad goes out with his highschool friends once a month and my godmother is my moms best friend from highschool and i adore her. I can't survive without them. I honestly cannot make it through college and life without the support of my friends. my true friends.
heather, justin, peter, erica, shaina, shayne, alex, stephanie, jenn, collin
<3
dispite all the sadness in there, this was one of the best vacations ever.
now if only i got my snow so i could learn to snowboard, and make snow angels and go sledding on toboggans.
DAMN THE PLANET AND MILD WINTERS
erm oh yea, and pictures of vacation can be seen on facebook. IF YOU HAVE ONE. *cough*
kudos to you if you actually read through all of that.
right now, it's 1:11 am and i just got some ranch all over myself and my laptop because my ranch covered sandwich slipped from my fingers. but ahhh the deliciousness of a friendly's honey barbeque chicken supermelt. yum.
AAAnnnyyways. this is gonna be long.
so after christmas, much to my dismay, alex left me to move on to great things. that girl is destined for GREAT THINGS.
The days leading up to new years were crazy. my sister was told earlier that month that she had a tumor on her one remaining ovary. this scared me beyond belief. when i was 2 she was 12 and had ovarian cancer and her ovary was removed. it almost killed her. she went through hell with chemotherapy and it was just a bad time for my family. now, 16-27 years later, while getting a check-up to see if she could conceive children with satan himself, she hears this news.
prior to this past year, my sister toni was like a mother to me. more of a mother then our own. we were so close. but since her engagement ending and break off with matt (whom I'm still friends with) we've been distant. shes now dating this man whom she met at her work. he was her supervisor (ugh walmart.) he already has 2 kids and drinks beer constantly. during the summer i asked her for a favor (of which i've never asked anything from her, ever) and during a disagreement, mr. walmart answers her cell and yells at me, saying that I'm ungrateful and i shouldn't be asking anything from her and basically treating me like a child. she does nothing to take the phone from him, or correct him. she takes his side in my eyes. from then on, I've made no effort. But i've found myself torn between the sister that I know and love and fear for this terrible thing happening to her, and this person shes become, completely under his control, weak and uncaring. My mom and mr. walmart have never gotten a long, but since the ordeal with the tumor and such both my sisters have completely sworn off my mother. Mom was talking to my oldest sister Jill, and jill brought up the things that were going on with toni and mr. walmart takes the phone, tells my mother that if she wants to know about toni, to call and talk to her herself, then hangs up on her. he later would hang up on her again but in a different case. either way, toni did nothing to prevent this. in her situation i dont blame her for not wanting to deal with this stress, but it is this man who is causing the problems. yet she blames my mother. prior to her surgery to have the malignant tumor removed, i've called and talk to her. i can hear jill in the background saying these crude things about our mother. This plagues me so because of the fact that she is the one who during the summer would bring her children to my house and eat our food, take our cans to get money, and have my mother babysit while she goes out. my mother welcomed them with open arms and did whatever she could for jill and her grandchildren. and now she pulls this? ugh.
so heather accompanies me on the day of toni's surgery. we see her before she goes in. and it tears me up to see her in this situation. but i turn around and theres mr. walmart as a constant reminder of the life that my sister has thrown away. for a life with this man. blech. she made it through her surgery fine, and after leaving that hospital, i never did go see her again. call me a coward but i was only motivated to see her just so i wouldnt hear about how i didnt later on. but i realized i didnt care. without being given an ultimatum, toni had already chosen her boyfriend, to our family. Even on her birthday, when my dad called and left a message for her, it was never returned. and like, when she was a child, my dad was with her almost every day at the hospital. it's sickening. I love her, but i feel like my sister that i loved so much is gone. i see her, but its not her. it kills me.
But I've been doing much other things to take my mind off of the stresses of my family.
New Years was so amazing. went to Cabot st. and hung out with henry, shaina, tony, melissa, justin, peter, shayne, and kevin. Ligeia was amazing as usual. got a shirt for only $5. we left at like 11:30. peter myself henry and company were about to go to cvs is get some of the pictures from that night developed but we decided we wanted to be somewhere other then cvs at midnight. so we arrive at shainas house, where justin and her ran off to after the show, just 5 minutes before midnight. her living room was packed and we all yelled at midnight and tony made a cute little call to his dad and afi played loved like winter and all was right with the world because I was with the people I love. after, we continued with our cvs excursion while making silly phone calls to people to wish them a happy new year. after we got the pictures we parted ways with henry and co. and went to watch jackass 2. which was fucking hilarious by the way.
Next night I get a call from heather saying that miss jenn welch is missing. so that was a crazy night where we had to scooby doo it and go solve this mystery. ugh, so worried and scared. shes like my little sister. but thankfully she turned out to be alright. I dont even think she realizes the severity of the situation. her mom even called the cops lol
Went to the club in springfield with heather shaina and erica and peter and justin. the boys went off to rub their denim cocks on some chicks and the girls and I just did our own thing. there were some crazy dudes dancing with us, and dane cook is so right when he described how a girls friends can totally be cock blocks. because heather definitely had to get some crazy dude off my ass and i took heather and erica away from some nasty guys. eventually we did meet up with the boys and they danced with us. for some crappy reason I get sick when I'm overheated so we left a bit early and went over to dennys.
I actually find it pretty amazing that my mom doesnt even care about my curfew because I've come home at like 5am and she was awake and just didnt say anything.
Soon after, erica and shaina departed for a cruise to mexico and i was left with heather and the boys to hang with. we went in hot tubs at matts house and watched some crazy movies. ate lots of tacos and mcdonalds. i spent so many nights with those guys. I don't know what I'd do without them.
and with my camera, I've gotten some great pictures and videos of us.
kevin from arizona came up, but I missed him. it was my moms birthday one day that he wanted to see me, but i had dinner with her and me and heather made her traditional angel food cake. so we made plans for the next day to hang out, the last day he could.
after a night with the guys i come home to see that my dog has made a mess on the floor. i quickly cleaned and went to bed. apparently she had another accident after i went to bed and my mother found it in the morning. we've had biscuit since i was 6 years old. when i was in middle school my dad decided he didnt want her around anymore and he brought her to the mspca without telling my mom or me. luckily, my sister toni and her then fiance matt took biscuit in to live with them. she stayed there until they broke up and we agreed to take her back. so for a year or more she stayed with us. her age was showing badly though. her fur became coarse and grey. she wouldnt eat for days, and she would have accidents around the house. i believe her hearing was fading too. the arthritis in her back legs was making it hard for her to run and get up and down. and after that night my mom couldnt take it anymore. she put her foot down and it was decided that biscuit would be put down that day. i tried calling matt but he was working. so me and heather played with her outside a bit, said our goodbyes. and my mom went with my dad and took her away. and gone went the last bit of my childhood. the days of running around my yard pretending to be a power ranger and her being my enemy and how my grandmother would carry dog treats in her trunk for her when she would visit. shes gone. and i feel so guilty because I know she couldnt help it.
and luckily kevin understood me not wanting to hang out. i miss him so much. i really did love that kid. despite everything, the ups and downs, i meant it when i said i loved him.
And to add more sadness, heather called me one night and told me that liticia averys mom was killed. I only know liticia from heather and jenn but I know her brother josh. Jenn bought some nice things for them and we took them over to liticia. I can't imagine the pain she must be going through. her mother is the lady on the news. her boyfriend hit her with her car after they had a fight. but liticia is such a strong girl. I dont even know how she can be so composed as I've seen her. shes still hilarious to be around and we're going shopping tomorrow, then to her moms wake, and the funeral is on saturday.
I leave sunday. I dont want to go. as much as i miss the people there, I dont want this to end. i hate change. I want to drive around all night, and bake brownies and watch movies on futons that have the same sheets i have, and make monkeys outta cans and take crazy color pictures, go to cabot st. and watch the guys mosh, and come home at 4am and sleep til 3pm and eat tacos and choke on green tea and dance and make states outta rice crispies.
But I feel it. I can feel how I lack inspiration here. it sounds cliche and stupid but I breathe art up there, and it feels great, but here...i have no motivation. I know once I'm there i can finish mannys painting and do more with my journal. it just gets so boring up there. and i'm so far away from people, I feel like they grow apart from me. and I'm the one who has to come back and keep them with me. I'm the one making the trips home and the plans. erica once said to me that the only time the group sees each other during the school year is when I'm home. in the words of brand new "I was the glue that kept my friends together, now they don't talk and we don't go out." I won't let that happen.
Me and justin like to have late night talks about this. and I meant every word when i said that i won't let them go. he said that he doesnt know any adults that still have friends. they just have their husbands/wives and their kids. but my dad goes out with his highschool friends once a month and my godmother is my moms best friend from highschool and i adore her. I can't survive without them. I honestly cannot make it through college and life without the support of my friends. my true friends.
heather, justin, peter, erica, shaina, shayne, alex, stephanie, jenn, collin
<3
dispite all the sadness in there, this was one of the best vacations ever.
now if only i got my snow so i could learn to snowboard, and make snow angels and go sledding on toboggans.
DAMN THE PLANET AND MILD WINTERS
erm oh yea, and pictures of vacation can be seen on facebook. IF YOU HAVE ONE. *cough*
kudos to you if you actually read through all of that.