Camden and Cat
Today I went to Camden with nance and it was well the bestest. I bought the most wonderfull belt which nance found and it is simply my new favourite thing. It is vintage and pink and ties round my waist like a corsety thingy. We also went to Oxford street and looked at all the things we couldn't afford and I deided I simply MUST save up £70 for these lovely high heels which I adore and I know if I buy them they will make me happy for AGES..."cause were living in a material world and I am a material girl". It was so lovely to see Frog though...she is amazing, that is her describing word.
I saw Mal and Cat and thier boyfriends, which was scary as I thought they waould hate me. Cat did look a buit surprised at times but she text me saying "So great to see u again! So what did you think of Alex? It's amazing that uve not changed a bit! Ur stil our aims! Xx"
I will always be thier aims, no matter how many guys, however many drugs...i'll always be aimes. And her boyfriend is so lovely. he's funny, intelligent and just generally a really nice guy. First impressions only though. But I got a good feeling about him, can't explain it
So i'm probably being unappreciated, he is trying so hard and is being really nice. However his inability to remember or oppoligise for his past is continually annoying. Example; "I remember taking you here on picnics with your mum and brother when you were younger" I said "I don't". I can't think why I don't remember...maybe because it ONLY HAPPENED TWICE. Why does he even pretend we were ever a happy family. Just cause he doesn't want to remember making my mum feel utterly worthless, doesn't mean I can't remember. The only reason he's paying an interest in me now is cause no one will sleep with him cause he doesn't "feel attracted" to poeple his "own age". I rememebr sitting on the stairs, bags packed and dad calling up to say he had something (or rather someone) better to do then seeing us. It's just so frustrating. I love him cause he's my dad but I hate what he did. I hate the fact he thought I was worth £1.75 a week, I hate that he continually belittled me, I hate that he's not proud of me, I hate that he used me as a weapon against my mum, I hate the way he treated my nan, I hate that he made me believe no guy could even like me as a friend unless I was attractive, I hate that he never tried to listen to my feelings and dismissed them for teenage angst rather than anger, I hate his selfishness, I hate so much, so many events, so many characteristics but most of all I ahte the fact he suddenly realises there is no one else to care for him when he is old and senile but his kids so he suddenly tries to pretend like nothings happened (as usual) and like he cares all along. It's just part of his selfish plan cause he knows, after he's screwed everyone around and everyones left him, all he really has left is his kids. He's pushed everyone else away through being an asshole.
But more than I hate him, I hate myself. Because if I was worth it, if I was a good enough person; he'd love me more. He'd love me unselfishly. He would have changed ages ago. He would have loved me properly before it was too late. But i'm not worth that kind of cummitment.
Don't worry though, it's all good, just put some money in my hand, buy my silence, cause he knows i'm doing drugs, he knows thats why I have no money. By if that keeps me quiet, if that keeps me from reminding him he is an asshole, then thats OK with him. After all, at keast i'm not cutting up everyone else.
I saw Mal and Cat and thier boyfriends, which was scary as I thought they waould hate me. Cat did look a buit surprised at times but she text me saying "So great to see u again! So what did you think of Alex? It's amazing that uve not changed a bit! Ur stil our aims! Xx"
I will always be thier aims, no matter how many guys, however many drugs...i'll always be aimes. And her boyfriend is so lovely. he's funny, intelligent and just generally a really nice guy. First impressions only though. But I got a good feeling about him, can't explain it
So i'm probably being unappreciated, he is trying so hard and is being really nice. However his inability to remember or oppoligise for his past is continually annoying. Example; "I remember taking you here on picnics with your mum and brother when you were younger" I said "I don't". I can't think why I don't remember...maybe because it ONLY HAPPENED TWICE. Why does he even pretend we were ever a happy family. Just cause he doesn't want to remember making my mum feel utterly worthless, doesn't mean I can't remember. The only reason he's paying an interest in me now is cause no one will sleep with him cause he doesn't "feel attracted" to poeple his "own age". I rememebr sitting on the stairs, bags packed and dad calling up to say he had something (or rather someone) better to do then seeing us. It's just so frustrating. I love him cause he's my dad but I hate what he did. I hate the fact he thought I was worth £1.75 a week, I hate that he continually belittled me, I hate that he's not proud of me, I hate that he used me as a weapon against my mum, I hate the way he treated my nan, I hate that he made me believe no guy could even like me as a friend unless I was attractive, I hate that he never tried to listen to my feelings and dismissed them for teenage angst rather than anger, I hate his selfishness, I hate so much, so many events, so many characteristics but most of all I ahte the fact he suddenly realises there is no one else to care for him when he is old and senile but his kids so he suddenly tries to pretend like nothings happened (as usual) and like he cares all along. It's just part of his selfish plan cause he knows, after he's screwed everyone around and everyones left him, all he really has left is his kids. He's pushed everyone else away through being an asshole.
But more than I hate him, I hate myself. Because if I was worth it, if I was a good enough person; he'd love me more. He'd love me unselfishly. He would have changed ages ago. He would have loved me properly before it was too late. But i'm not worth that kind of cummitment.
Don't worry though, it's all good, just put some money in my hand, buy my silence, cause he knows i'm doing drugs, he knows thats why I have no money. By if that keeps me quiet, if that keeps me from reminding him he is an asshole, then thats OK with him. After all, at keast i'm not cutting up everyone else.