duality
from a clinical perspective, it's fascinating how i'm reacting neurochemically to a new romantic partner not being here with me. it's so extreme.
the part of me that is almost 50 is in an ongoing battle (lots of sarcastic sighing and eye rolling) with the 13 year old girl in me who is constantly on the verge of being a walking emotional trainwreck. at its worst, there's some parts of it that do feel like dopamine withdrawal and depression.
and the funny (maybe slightly fucked up) part is.. i love it.. the experience, the feels, the emotional rollercoaster, the internal crisis, the laughing, the crying, the longing, the .. everything. and being able to also have the wherewithal to analyze what is happening to me is both frustrating and wonderful.
as much as i hate the dysphoria and the circumstance of having been amab, some days i really love being trans. it's both a gift and a curse - i just need to remember the days where i embraced it as a gift.
the part of me that is almost 50 is in an ongoing battle (lots of sarcastic sighing and eye rolling) with the 13 year old girl in me who is constantly on the verge of being a walking emotional trainwreck. at its worst, there's some parts of it that do feel like dopamine withdrawal and depression.
and the funny (maybe slightly fucked up) part is.. i love it.. the experience, the feels, the emotional rollercoaster, the internal crisis, the laughing, the crying, the longing, the .. everything. and being able to also have the wherewithal to analyze what is happening to me is both frustrating and wonderful.
as much as i hate the dysphoria and the circumstance of having been amab, some days i really love being trans. it's both a gift and a curse - i just need to remember the days where i embraced it as a gift.