Accidents and Aftermath, Chapter 5: Fear
Title: Accidents and Aftermath
Author: Dreaming of Everything dreams_of_all
Series: Yu Yu Hakusho
Characters/Pairings: Hiei/Botan
Rating/Warnings: T for over-all mood, nothing terribly bad in specifics.
Summary: When Hiei is poisoned, causing temporary insanity, he severely wounds Botan, who's now comatose, hovering on the brink of death. This fic is a series of onesided conversations between the two as Hiei deals with his emotions, and then the aftermath.
"I've always... Been afraid." It was a hard admission to make for Hiei, even sitting all alone as he was, with only Botan's cold silence as an audience. "I've never told anyone; it's only now that I can see it in myself.
"I never let myself grow close to anyone, though in the past few years I've failed at that, unknowingly at first, at least. I think...
"I think it was because I was afraid no one would want to be near me. If I opened myself up, people would turn away. They were perfectly willing to be business partners with a 'moody, temperamental fire demon,' as you have said in the past, as long as I could get the jobs done, but anything more? A ridiculous idea. Beyond stupidity...
"And so I didn't let myself admit that I wanted it. Total and complete denial worked for at least a while. It got harder after I was forced into being a spirit detective.
"My birth was the defining moment, you could say. It labeled me forbidden, and nobody's loved me since. I wonder what my mother thought as she carried me to term, the abomination she birthed into the world? I wonder what she would think if she knew what I've done in the years since? I have done nothing to be proud of, and a lot that is considered horrible even by other demons' standards.
"That is at least partly why I never told Yukina who I was. She put up with me while I was just the most unpleasant of the group that hung around the temple, but as her brother? I couldn't take her rejection and so I never told her. It would be easier for her, as well. She could imagine a brother that was worth something and her heart wouldn't be broken. It would only be for the best if she never found out who I was.
"And now I might have killed you. It's funny how things never change. I'm still hurting, still destroying... Even when I don't mean to. I wasn't aware of what I was doing, but it was still me who did it. Unforgivable. Everyone else is falling apart because of it, Botan, not because of you but because of what I did to you...
"And you? You had already feared me. I hurt you, physically and emotionally, because I was afraid, and afraid to admit it. What will you think if I live? Will you even stand to be around me? You used to argue with me, even though when it went too far I could see genuine fear on your face. Will you still doing it, knowing not only that I'm quite capable of killing you but that I've already nearly done so in the past? You're a forgiving person, Botan, but you're not stupid. I'm not asking for miracles, I... know better, by now.
"If you live-" and the admission that she might not hurt, "-you will never look at me without fear again, assuming you ever have to.
"Whether or not I'm punished for my crime, I don't think I could ever face you again, if... once you awake. I'm still afraid, and I think that maybe one more person turning away would break me.
"Even the forbidden can only take so much."
oOo
A polite cough made Koenma look up from the piles of paper he was attempting to concentrate on.
"Yes?" he asked, eyes blearily focusing on the doctor in front of him. As his mind registered that fact he snapped to attention.
"Is it something about Botan?" His tone of voice was horrified, fearful and hopeful all at once.
"Yes," said the doctor, voice somber. "It is. We've all been working our hardest to come up with a cure, or at least a way to help, but we've found nothing so far. The results of some tests have come back, though, and we know considerably more about her condition..."
Koenma's rapt attention, frighteningly intense, was encouragement enough for the doctor, wordlessly urging him to continue.
"If... She has a week. If she doesn't wake up within that period of time, her natural healing ability will be exhausted, forced to stop, and her body will become totally unable to fight of the poison; she will die."
Koenma drew in a long, hissing breath, otherwise not reacting. The doctor let his gaze drop to the floor, guilty, ashamed and helpless in the face of such grief.
"I will inform the others myself," said Koenma. His face was still frozen, eyes staring blankly at the paper carpeting his desk.
oOo
Keiko was sobbing quietly, the only sound in the silent room.
She was not alone. Yusuke was holding her, doing his best to be comforting, and a single tear had fallen, streaking his cheek. Yukina was sitting stiff-backed, tear gems slipping down her face, pooling in her lap. Genkai merely looked stern and disapproving, though a suspicious dampness shone in her eyes. Kurama had retreated behind a mask; Koenma was still frozen, not knowing how to react. Kuwabara was torn between anger and sorrow, fists clenched and expression furious, tears rolling down his cheeks.
It was harder, this time, facing the truth; it had had time to sink in, the shock had begun to wear off, and it hurt more.
Hiei sat alone in the corner, the only difference in his habits since Botan had gone into her coma the fact that she wasn't in the room.
They were united in their sorrow and a single over-whelming thought:
She had to live.
oOo
It was later, though the dim, silent room hadn't changed. Hiei had left briefly for the meeting Koenma had called, unhappy with it but unable to stay away from the information the godling had about Botan's recovery; bad or good, he needed to know it.
It had been hard leaving her, and it was harder coming back. Knowing the fact that there was a very good chance he had killed her had sickened his stomach, the guilt bitter in his mouth. That he had done that, and he would be allowed to see her, let alone again, to sit next to her--he was the wolf in sheep's clothing who had knowingly been invited back into the herd.
Still, it had been--was--harder to stay away.
"A week. A week before we know whether you will live or not.
"I've never been so... worried." The word tasted of fear in his mouth. "I've only cared for a few people over the years. That you would end up being one... I never would have guessed it. I hated you for a long time, and told myself I hated you for longer. You've always been an annoyance, and I hadn't realized that I had relied on that...
"I don't know what I'll do with myself if you die. How I'll live, how I'll deal with the guilt. I don't know how I'll manage around the rest--Kurama, Yusuke, Kuwabara, Yukina, even Genkai, the few people who were ever more than mild annoyances--when they all know what I have done.
"And still, for all that, I'm most afraid for you. I'm afraid that you'll never laugh again, never smile, never move. That you'll never know how much everyone needs you, that you'll never achieve your dreams, that you'll never find someone to...love. Someone who makes you believe in yourself.
"I worry that I've destroyed everything for you... I'm sorry, Botan.
"I'm so, so sorry..."
Author: Dreaming of Everything dreams_of_all
Series: Yu Yu Hakusho
Characters/Pairings: Hiei/Botan
Rating/Warnings: T for over-all mood, nothing terribly bad in specifics.
Summary: When Hiei is poisoned, causing temporary insanity, he severely wounds Botan, who's now comatose, hovering on the brink of death. This fic is a series of onesided conversations between the two as Hiei deals with his emotions, and then the aftermath.
"I've always... Been afraid." It was a hard admission to make for Hiei, even sitting all alone as he was, with only Botan's cold silence as an audience. "I've never told anyone; it's only now that I can see it in myself.
"I never let myself grow close to anyone, though in the past few years I've failed at that, unknowingly at first, at least. I think...
"I think it was because I was afraid no one would want to be near me. If I opened myself up, people would turn away. They were perfectly willing to be business partners with a 'moody, temperamental fire demon,' as you have said in the past, as long as I could get the jobs done, but anything more? A ridiculous idea. Beyond stupidity...
"And so I didn't let myself admit that I wanted it. Total and complete denial worked for at least a while. It got harder after I was forced into being a spirit detective.
"My birth was the defining moment, you could say. It labeled me forbidden, and nobody's loved me since. I wonder what my mother thought as she carried me to term, the abomination she birthed into the world? I wonder what she would think if she knew what I've done in the years since? I have done nothing to be proud of, and a lot that is considered horrible even by other demons' standards.
"That is at least partly why I never told Yukina who I was. She put up with me while I was just the most unpleasant of the group that hung around the temple, but as her brother? I couldn't take her rejection and so I never told her. It would be easier for her, as well. She could imagine a brother that was worth something and her heart wouldn't be broken. It would only be for the best if she never found out who I was.
"And now I might have killed you. It's funny how things never change. I'm still hurting, still destroying... Even when I don't mean to. I wasn't aware of what I was doing, but it was still me who did it. Unforgivable. Everyone else is falling apart because of it, Botan, not because of you but because of what I did to you...
"And you? You had already feared me. I hurt you, physically and emotionally, because I was afraid, and afraid to admit it. What will you think if I live? Will you even stand to be around me? You used to argue with me, even though when it went too far I could see genuine fear on your face. Will you still doing it, knowing not only that I'm quite capable of killing you but that I've already nearly done so in the past? You're a forgiving person, Botan, but you're not stupid. I'm not asking for miracles, I... know better, by now.
"If you live-" and the admission that she might not hurt, "-you will never look at me without fear again, assuming you ever have to.
"Whether or not I'm punished for my crime, I don't think I could ever face you again, if... once you awake. I'm still afraid, and I think that maybe one more person turning away would break me.
"Even the forbidden can only take so much."
oOo
A polite cough made Koenma look up from the piles of paper he was attempting to concentrate on.
"Yes?" he asked, eyes blearily focusing on the doctor in front of him. As his mind registered that fact he snapped to attention.
"Is it something about Botan?" His tone of voice was horrified, fearful and hopeful all at once.
"Yes," said the doctor, voice somber. "It is. We've all been working our hardest to come up with a cure, or at least a way to help, but we've found nothing so far. The results of some tests have come back, though, and we know considerably more about her condition..."
Koenma's rapt attention, frighteningly intense, was encouragement enough for the doctor, wordlessly urging him to continue.
"If... She has a week. If she doesn't wake up within that period of time, her natural healing ability will be exhausted, forced to stop, and her body will become totally unable to fight of the poison; she will die."
Koenma drew in a long, hissing breath, otherwise not reacting. The doctor let his gaze drop to the floor, guilty, ashamed and helpless in the face of such grief.
"I will inform the others myself," said Koenma. His face was still frozen, eyes staring blankly at the paper carpeting his desk.
oOo
Keiko was sobbing quietly, the only sound in the silent room.
She was not alone. Yusuke was holding her, doing his best to be comforting, and a single tear had fallen, streaking his cheek. Yukina was sitting stiff-backed, tear gems slipping down her face, pooling in her lap. Genkai merely looked stern and disapproving, though a suspicious dampness shone in her eyes. Kurama had retreated behind a mask; Koenma was still frozen, not knowing how to react. Kuwabara was torn between anger and sorrow, fists clenched and expression furious, tears rolling down his cheeks.
It was harder, this time, facing the truth; it had had time to sink in, the shock had begun to wear off, and it hurt more.
Hiei sat alone in the corner, the only difference in his habits since Botan had gone into her coma the fact that she wasn't in the room.
They were united in their sorrow and a single over-whelming thought:
She had to live.
oOo
It was later, though the dim, silent room hadn't changed. Hiei had left briefly for the meeting Koenma had called, unhappy with it but unable to stay away from the information the godling had about Botan's recovery; bad or good, he needed to know it.
It had been hard leaving her, and it was harder coming back. Knowing the fact that there was a very good chance he had killed her had sickened his stomach, the guilt bitter in his mouth. That he had done that, and he would be allowed to see her, let alone again, to sit next to her--he was the wolf in sheep's clothing who had knowingly been invited back into the herd.
Still, it had been--was--harder to stay away.
"A week. A week before we know whether you will live or not.
"I've never been so... worried." The word tasted of fear in his mouth. "I've only cared for a few people over the years. That you would end up being one... I never would have guessed it. I hated you for a long time, and told myself I hated you for longer. You've always been an annoyance, and I hadn't realized that I had relied on that...
"I don't know what I'll do with myself if you die. How I'll live, how I'll deal with the guilt. I don't know how I'll manage around the rest--Kurama, Yusuke, Kuwabara, Yukina, even Genkai, the few people who were ever more than mild annoyances--when they all know what I have done.
"And still, for all that, I'm most afraid for you. I'm afraid that you'll never laugh again, never smile, never move. That you'll never know how much everyone needs you, that you'll never achieve your dreams, that you'll never find someone to...love. Someone who makes you believe in yourself.
"I worry that I've destroyed everything for you... I'm sorry, Botan.
"I'm so, so sorry..."