Love and Other Mistakes, Chapter 3: Dealing

Jun 22, 2007 17:48

Title: Love and Other Mistakes
Author: Dreaming of Everything dreams_of_all
Series: Inuyasha
Characters/Pairings: One-sided OFC/Kagome, Inuyasha/Kagome.
Rating/Warnings: K+ (PG) or T. One-sided hypothetical femslash. OMG, you guys, rating for lesbians!
Summary: Hanako is in love with Kagome who is, unfortunately for her, in love with Inuyasha. She's also straight, which really isn't helping.


“We outgrow love like other things
And put it in the drawer,
Till it an antique fashion shows
Like costumes grandsires wore.”

--Emily Dickinson

oOoOoOo

So, basically, I was trapped in the Feudal Era because my blood and tears had mixed on a bunch of old charms that had just enough spark to send my spirit crashing through a few centuries to reconnect me to my One True Love-and before you ask, even I’m not sure whether or not I’m being sarcastic when I say that.

It was surprises all round, that particular discussion was. Firstly: Feudal Era. Seriously.

Secondly: Kagome had been pulled through time via a magical ancient well located on the shrine her family had been caring for over generations, only to find that she’s the reincarnation of a dead priestess that a half-dog-demon was in love with who was jilted because the priestess thought he had attacked her because of an evil not-quite-demon previously-human bandit had some sort of fixation on her so the half-demon thought she had betrayed him and they ended up fighting, the demon ending up ‘sealed’ and the priestess dead and burned with this all-powerful jewel which ended up coming out of Kagome when she was cut once she ended up in the Feudal Era, and then it ended up broken and Kagome ended up unsealing the dog demon her previous incarnation had been in love with and loved by, who thought he had been betrayed by her, and eventually the jewel ended up broken and now Kagome and the demon and a demon hunter and a cursed monk and a fox demon are trying to track down the shards of the jewel before the demon-thing who made the half-demon and Kagome’s past self kill each other does, or Kagome’s previous incarnation-who’s been reanimated-does or a nearly numberless host of other, lesser demons does. (Give me a pause for breath here.)

Yeah, that explanation didn’t really clear up all that much. So much for that…

My own explanations had been difficult as well.

I mean, I certainly wasn’t going to explain to her that she was my soul mate, was I?

Especially not with the half-demon-guy-the one with the ears, Inuyasha-glaring at me like he would kill me if a) Kagome wouldn’t kill him for it and b) I were tangible and capable of being harmed.

Actually, that last bit was excellent for more reasons that just that it would prevent Kagome’s traveling companions try to kill me: it meant that nothing else could kill me, and that meant that Mr. Demonic-and-grumpy would allow me to come along, because apparently it meant that I “wasn’t another useless lump that needed protecting” when it came to fighting and battlefields. I mean, I was useless, but since nothing could hurt me it really didn’t matter all that much.

Well, since Kagome could apparently shoot purifying holy arrows, and she was the other ‘useless lump,’ I certainly didn’t have a hope of proving even marginally useful, but I’d definitely settle for being totally uninvolved. Especially since it meant being with Kagome.

She was still… Incredibly beautiful. I’m not going to lie to you there. And being there was my second-best dream come true, even if my (pretty excellent) imagination hadn’t come up with all the details of the real event, like the feudal era setting. Like the angry demon pretty-boy with enviable hair.

Oh, yes, Inuyasha. He was, apparently, the Jerkface Boyfriend of legend-okay, rumor-I had overheard the Terrible Trio (or Eri, Yuka and Ayumi, if you wanted to be polite about things) talking about, and it was all true, and then some.

He was rude, insensitive, crude and demanding, wild, condescending and unreasonable, impatient and obsessed, and possessive to boot-just to start to cover things. For the life of me, I couldn’t even begin to see what Kagome saw in him, let alone that she seemed to think that he might like her back.

And there was something else going on there, of course, because heaven forbid anything be that simple in this new world I had suddenly been plunged into.

To be precise, Inuyasha had apparently been “close” to the previous incarnation of Kagome, and the “close” was the sort of “close” that was whispered about loudly in school hallways. The sort of “close” that could keep the rumor mill going full-bore for weeks, which is several minor eternities in terms of both gossip and high school.

And, as previously mentioned, she had been brought back from the dead, but Kagome was still there, and they were kinda-sorta racing her for the shi-whatever gem shards, but Mr. Jerkface apparently still had a thing for her, and it may or may not have transferred to Kagome because she’s apparently close enough to Dead Killer Girlfriend for his standards, or something.

So yeah. In terms of good matches? Jerkface was the total opposite, in every way imaginable. I was heartbroken she liked him, of course, but the fact that he was doing her so much harm-and it would only get worse, I was sure-was even worse. How couldn’t she see how bad he was for her? It was painful.

On the other hand, my mind kept showing a repeat clip of Eri, Yuka and Ayumi’s reactions if they ever found out that Mr. Jerkface-okay, Inuyasha-was a demon. It was hilarious.

…I was still in shock, wasn’t I? Not that I don’t think that it’s hilarious now, of course.

oOo

Basically, we traveled around and hit everything that attacked us and most of the things that attacked other people, all the while looking for Shikon shards. Fun, right? Yes, and even more so than it sounds, for the record. It was bad enough for me, but I can’t imagine what it was like for Kagome, who needed sleep and food (which I didn’t) and who could get hurt (which I couldn’t) and who slogged through the mud and brambles every day (which I did too, but I couldn’t get covered in mud, and I didn’t have muscles to get tired or sore. The drops fell through me when it rained.)

So it was like high school, really, only more mobile and slightly less bloodthirsty. Approximately the same number of psychotic demons out for your blood. (And bones, and liver, and meat, and brains… Let me tell you, being intangible was really, really comforting.)

In some ways, though, it was worse. Because Kagome apparently loved Inuyasha, something that was totally incomprehensible to me.

I did mention the jerkishness, right?

And it was weird-I think he honestly liked her, too. Maybe. There was still the whole history between the two of them, plus Kagome’s previous incarnation. But… There was this thing they’d do-

-or things, plural. They yelled, and fought, and snapped, but neither was ever really angry at the other. Or, they were angry, but not in a way that really meant anything. And Inuyasha didn’t listen, but he would, when it mattered, and when he didn’t it was almost as if he was sorry about it. And Kagome would complain, but it was clear that she trusted him, fully and deeply, even though there was the enchanted necklace-absolutely hilarious, for the record-to supposedly ‘keep him in control,’ although the most she ever used it as was a way to win whatever top-of-their-lungs screaming match they were in. And Inuyasha would complain about her leaving again, but it was almost like he would miss her-and apparently he sat by the enchanted well she time-traveled with while she was gone, waiting and guarding it. And Kagome would brought instant ramen for him to eat, and complained about the weight of the backpack because of it, and sometimes Inuyasha would carry it for her.

And all the while, he managed to be an out-and-out asshole.

It wasn’t love like I’d imagined, or read about. It wasn’t like love at all, really, but it was even less like hate, or annoyance, or even a strange sort of combative tolerance. It was more like love than any of those…

But it wasn’t what I’d imagined caring about someone could look like. And I didn’t know how Kagome could do it-How she could spend time with somebody who grated on every nerve ending I had, and most of hers, somebody who might not love her and wouldn’t even admit to liking her in a totally platonic, non-romantic way, somebody who was still mostly in love with a soulless, reanimated incarnation of who her soul was 500 years ago, and who wouldn’t pick one way or another.
She loved him, almost definitely, although she wasn’t admitting to anything, and I just didn’t understand how she could do it in the face of such adversity.

Sure, I’d loved her in the face of staggering odds-hell, her sexuality alone was enough to knock me out of the running. But it had been the sort of love that was-easy, almost.

Because I knew I didn’t have a snowball’s chance. I’d dream, imagine, and I knew that we would be perfect together, but I also knew, had, in a way, always known, that nothing would ever happen. We weren’t even friends, barely acquaintances, she was almost always gone and had a mystery boyfriend along with the ever-devoted Hojo. We were in high school, even-hardly the regular birthplace of lasting relationships of the average heterosexual type, let alone the lesbian-flavored variety.

It still hurt, but I couldn’t imagine what it would have been like if she had liked someone exactly like me, given up on that girl if she moved, say, then returned her affections to her, to a certain extent, when she came back changed, and never really made a decision either way, and behaved in some ways that said I hate you and in others that said I like you and in others that said I love you, and never any indication of what kind of hate and like and love-hate like a sibling, or a mortal enemy, and love like a sister, a mother, a friend or a lover, like as in friends, or the beginning of a crush, or tolerance, or something else?

I had always been able to project whatever emotions I had wanted onto Kagome, because she never showed any strong feelings around me, and I almost never saw her at all, after she started going to the Feudal Era. There was never that doubt, and a way to imagine that it could actually be real, more than a fantasy.

I felt stupid and childish.

I had no chance with her. She was in love, and not with me. He (maybe) loved her. They were designed for a perfectly-ever-after. I was not.
Despite all my previous protests, I had the same sort of stupid high school-crush on her that half the guys in the class did, and probably a few other girls, and most of the girls had on Hojo and that boy two classrooms over with the glasses and the girly hair.

It was still love. I had to believe that, at least. I still need to, I think. It was puppy-love, maybe, but I did love her, truly and deeply, if a bit shallowly at the same time, and it’s love, so I think it’s allowed to contradict itself like that at least a little.

oOo

It took me some time to figure it all out. It wasn’t so much that it was difficult as I was in denial.

I started to fade out of their world.

It was subtle, but I was a little more transparent, my voice sounded like it was further away than I was. Miroku noticed it first, and then everyone did, myself included. Things looked less… vibrant. Less real.

A few days after the ending of the second week, I disappeared entirely.

oOo

I woke up two (or so) days after that in a hospital. I was solid, and back in my own time. My parents were in the room, and when I shifted and moaned-I had been trying to talk, but my body wasn’t having it-they snapped around and hurried to my bed. My mom was sobbing, and my dad was teary.

Later, I’d find out that I had been comatose the entire time I’d been gone. My spirit had left my body-all that the charm, even with my blood and tears, had been able to move-leaving it with nothing to animate it.
When I hadn’t come out for anything, food or water or the toilet, and with utter nonresponsiveness, after a day or so my parents had come in to check one me. They had found me unconscious on my desk, eyes wide, blank and staring and mouth open, breathing regular but faint and slow, as if I was asleep.

The doctors hadn’t found anything wrong, but they had been waiting for tests to come back that they expected to show a cause.

They never did find it, but I suppose “active charms sending your soul off to wander around the feudal era with the love of your life” isn’t covered in medical school.

I talked it all over with Kagome, once she managed to return-she’s the one who looked over the charm and figured out what had happened.
She also helped me figure out what it was that had made me return to the right time; I had assumed that the charm had just worn out, but no, apparently not.

In her words, “The focus the charm latched onto-what you were thinking of when it activated-stopped working. I have no idea why it sent you to me… Maybe a school project? Were you thinking of the Feudal Era? Maybe it was just broken-it was very old. I’m amazed it worked. Tell me, do you think Yuka likes Hojo?”

From what she told me, I figured the rest out: I had given up on One True Loves. Or at least, the fact that my One True Love was Kagome. That was the focus, and it had brought me to her, and I had realized that it was futile. That she loved somebody else more, and that she definitely wasn’t interested in me that way.

I had grown up, in a way.

Needless to say, I hadn’t wanted to tell her the details of my fixation. That was one thing I had neglected to share during our time together. I’m not sure if I’ll ever tell her. I wish I could say yes, but at the moment it’s safer to say ‘probably not.’

And as for One-True-Loves?

I’m not sure what I think of them, now. I’m not sure if they exist.
Now, I think that maybe love is just true pretty much all the time, in every form, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Mostly, though, I don’t believe in fairytale-endings anymore. I don’t believe in “And They Lived Happily Ever After,” because the most heart-felt romance I’ve ever seen-even if it does involved Jerkface Inuyasha-didn’t have roses, noble princes and sweeping-people-off-their-feet. (Well, Inuyasha was a prince, apparently, but nobility was not a trait of his, and he did sweep Kagome off her feet, but normally that was to cart her around. There weren’t roses, though, to be fair, there was precious gems involved.)

oOo

It’s been a while since I’ve seen Kagome. She’s still haring off to the Feudal Era every chance she gets to Save The World-good luck, I say. I have had my fill of demons and angry villagers with sticks and rampaging armies.

And as for me… I’m looking for a girlfriend. Sort of. I might just wait, actually-I can only hope things will be easier after high school. But as things are, there are plenty of nice girls in our class. There’s one I’ve started talking to, who seems very nice, and I’m not entirely sure but I think we might be flirting, maybe.

That’s my Happy Ending: the girl doesn’t get the other girl, the Wicked Demon does, but the first girl’s actually okay with that; there’s other damsels (with or without distress) out there, really, and not all of them come with complicated backstories-or boyfriends.

Trite as it may be, there’s always tomorrow.

--END--

fic, het, love and other mistakes, complete, inuyasha, slash

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