I made it....
Slept alone, utterly and completely alone last night for the second time. I made it! I didn't tell but one person what was going on. I figured if I made less of a big deal out of it, then when it came time to actually do it, I would think less of it.
I didn't weep, I didn't shake, I didn't wonder if that tiny little noise was someone breaking into the house, I didn't ask myself if I was ready to die, I didn't call anyone, I didn't think back bitterly...
I just fell asleep.
It may not seem like a big deal to a lot of you and I can understand why. But this is huge for me. I've recovered that much more, I'm that much more independent than I was. It's like every day I'm just a little bit better. Tiny, little baby steps to making that huge recovery. I remember having severe anxiety attacks just because someone wasn't in the same room as me. Poor Leslie...She got to deal with that stark terror. Now...I can do it alone.
I feel silly sometimes, because I battle with things I got over 13 years ago. Fear of the dark, fear of being alone, terror at things that go bump in the night.
Yet, I'm still proud of myself.