Free to be
I am so totally going to be 26 in a couple of days!!
I'm pretty excited about this birthday. It's the first time I've taken an active interest in really celebrating my b-day properly and it feels damn good :)
So I have been quit smoking almost 1.5 years!! And I dont know if its because I'm going to be another year older soon, or if my body is going through another round of detoxing rat poison and nicotine or what but I had a Dammit Dream this morning.
I felt sooooooo guilty when I woke up and actually had to say to myself outloud "It's ok, you didn't do anything wrong, it's ok". In the dream I probably smoked like a half a pack of cigarettes in 10 minutes btw!! Whut.
I also woke up coughing and hacking like ya do when ya smoke. Wierduuuuhhh. And whats more was kinda craving one!! Yikes. I haven't had a craving for a cigarette since way before I quit. I was totally at that "I am annoyed by this habit" point the last time I quit.
I think the whole smoking dream was really about other things though. Just the weird little nervous habits I've picked up or done more of since quitting smoking. All those details of avoidance and procrastination that slid into the place of smoking in my life.
I am practicing acceptance. Acceptance of where I am now. Being proud of myself for the amazing work I've done and who I am. Enjoying my body being free of unnessecary toxins and poisons, breathing free, and treating myself with honor and respect to the best of my ability - which is a constant approximation of what it means to be gentle and caring and accepting of where I am.
I am totally excited and nervous about my vacation to Hawaii in a week! Excited becuase...well it's Hawaii, my bro and I are taking surfing classes (finally) and all the amazingness of an actual vacation! Nervous becuase my realtionship with my mom has been really in flux and tender and Hi- We'll be hanging out (with Dad and Bros) for like 9 days. Also I have some weird travel anxiety from my LAX disaster that is still lingering - I still maintain is really uncharacteristic of me, but meh.
I went to This Fancy Shmancy dinner for the Rocky Moutain Paralegal Association on Tuesday. I won a gift certificate from The Tattered Cover and got lots of free schwag for the office. In a totally unexpected twist it was a quite magickal evening - one of those moments where I really felt like all the things I'd been working towards came together in a most affirming and validating kind of way. I'm still not even quite sure how to atriculate it.
Last night while hanging out with Kat and getting coffee we overheard these people talking about some advertisment or something they were thinking up involving potatoes. Though sometimes they were talking about strawberries and also Tinkerbell. At one point this guy said "I once read somewhere that Fairies are so small they can only feel one emotion at a time. I was thinking we could really play off of that." - I cannot tell you how hilarious that phrase is to hear when you're just hanging out reading and drinking cofee on the softest couch in the world.
I am really looking forward to going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight. The Dammit Dream riled up all kinds of feelings about my coping mechanisms that I'd like to sort out.
I'm pretty excited about this birthday. It's the first time I've taken an active interest in really celebrating my b-day properly and it feels damn good :)
So I have been quit smoking almost 1.5 years!! And I dont know if its because I'm going to be another year older soon, or if my body is going through another round of detoxing rat poison and nicotine or what but I had a Dammit Dream this morning.
I felt sooooooo guilty when I woke up and actually had to say to myself outloud "It's ok, you didn't do anything wrong, it's ok". In the dream I probably smoked like a half a pack of cigarettes in 10 minutes btw!! Whut.
I also woke up coughing and hacking like ya do when ya smoke. Wierduuuuhhh. And whats more was kinda craving one!! Yikes. I haven't had a craving for a cigarette since way before I quit. I was totally at that "I am annoyed by this habit" point the last time I quit.
I think the whole smoking dream was really about other things though. Just the weird little nervous habits I've picked up or done more of since quitting smoking. All those details of avoidance and procrastination that slid into the place of smoking in my life.
I am practicing acceptance. Acceptance of where I am now. Being proud of myself for the amazing work I've done and who I am. Enjoying my body being free of unnessecary toxins and poisons, breathing free, and treating myself with honor and respect to the best of my ability - which is a constant approximation of what it means to be gentle and caring and accepting of where I am.
I am totally excited and nervous about my vacation to Hawaii in a week! Excited becuase...well it's Hawaii, my bro and I are taking surfing classes (finally) and all the amazingness of an actual vacation! Nervous becuase my realtionship with my mom has been really in flux and tender and Hi- We'll be hanging out (with Dad and Bros) for like 9 days. Also I have some weird travel anxiety from my LAX disaster that is still lingering - I still maintain is really uncharacteristic of me, but meh.
I went to This Fancy Shmancy dinner for the Rocky Moutain Paralegal Association on Tuesday. I won a gift certificate from The Tattered Cover and got lots of free schwag for the office. In a totally unexpected twist it was a quite magickal evening - one of those moments where I really felt like all the things I'd been working towards came together in a most affirming and validating kind of way. I'm still not even quite sure how to atriculate it.
Last night while hanging out with Kat and getting coffee we overheard these people talking about some advertisment or something they were thinking up involving potatoes. Though sometimes they were talking about strawberries and also Tinkerbell. At one point this guy said "I once read somewhere that Fairies are so small they can only feel one emotion at a time. I was thinking we could really play off of that." - I cannot tell you how hilarious that phrase is to hear when you're just hanging out reading and drinking cofee on the softest couch in the world.
I am really looking forward to going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight. The Dammit Dream riled up all kinds of feelings about my coping mechanisms that I'd like to sort out.