(no subject)
Lately it feels like my mind has been haunted by the things that have forever changed my life. I find myself having nightmares where I crash my car, it flips over, and 1 of 3 things happens. Either I crawl out to see Brian standing next to my car basically screaming in my face "You have to go now or you're going to die! Hurry up!". Or I am sitting in my car, stuck in my seat upside down, held by my seatbelt, when another car slams into my drive side while all I can do is sit and watch my impending doom. Or nothing. Completely picth black darkness for what feels like an eternity, then a birght light and hospital employees standing over me saying they've saved me. Matt crying in a window to my room, and then nothing. It always ends after one of those 3 scenes. My doctors say I have yet to find closure, and that dreams like this will probably continue until I do. But how am I supposed to find closure? My tattoo was going to be my personal form of closure, but since I've been sick and losing weight my friend doesn't want to do it yet because every time he sees me "there is less and less" of me left to tattoo. I want it done before the 3 year anniversary. I'm sick of waiting, but I have to put on wait first. (This makes it sound like I haven't been trying to put on weight for years, which I have been with little to no luck. I just need this wieght so I can get my fahking tattoo!) What is closure anyway? When it comes to someone dieing, isn't it accepting the fact that you'll never see them again? I've accepted it, so that's not closure. I'm sick of waiting around and guessing. I will have the money for my tattoo eventually and when I do I'm making an appointment to get it done. No more accepting my declining weight as an excuse. I may be sick, but none of my doctors know what the hell is wrong. They've gotten to the point where they may just diagnose me with chronic pelvic pain so they can put a name on it. It's not a disease. Either way, I need to put on weight. Back to trying to eat like 6 times a day I guess.