Twas a long time in the making..
I wish I could count the number of times I've played this journal entry out in my mind, or even the number of times I've sat in this very chair, and willed my fingers to start doing their thing, with nothing to show for it. Now very well might not be the right time, but it's as good a time as any, so even if it's not perfect, at least it's done. So, without further adeiu.. Let's get to it.
When did life start to change? Was it instantly when we graduated from highschool.. or was it a gradual progression throughout highschool? One day we are all planning the next kegger at PI or BP, the next we are scattered throughout the continental US, and even some overseas in the war.. I mean really, where did the time go?
I used to think if I was given the opportunity to re-do highschool, that I would jump on it faster than anything. It was actually up until just recently that I felt that way. I guess I was harboring old feelings, afraid of the one thing I was always longing for back then, and that would be growing up. It amazes me when I go back and re-read past entires how adult I sounded at such a young age, and how young I feel now that I'm ' so much older' than I was back then.
Highschool in a nutshell, was a wonderful experience for me. I don't think I would change a single thing, and now I can honestly say if given the chance, I wouldn't even want to repeat it. The past is the past, and it's there for a reason. It's there to remain the past.
I have spent so much of the last 3 years depressed, angry, hurt, and any other adjective you can think of to describe complete despair. I longed for a relationship with Josh, that quite frankly, I can't even tell you now how much of my feelings were fabricated based on years of lies. What I wanted was the him I thought I knew he was. I wanted him to be everything I wasn't, everything I could never be. So in my mind, that is the way I saw him. I saw him as a perfect person, with flawless characteristics. When what everyone else was seeing was the true him, I put on blinders. I blinded out any detail that didn't fit into what I thought it should be. He told me what he knew I wanted to hear, to get what he wanted. And in the end he got what he wanted, and I completely lost myself in the process. I forgot how to feel and show emotion, I forgot how to look for the good in people. I forgot how to be loyal, and loving.
Because I did not fit into the mold that he wanted, I was never truly good enough. In highschool, when I was 110 pounds soaking wet, I wasn't good enough because he thought I had an eating disorder. Which even though I've never admitted this to another living soul, unfortunately he was right. I was never hungry, because I was too busy, so I just didn't eat. For days, sometimes a week straight.
And after highschool, and all of the LaShawna bullshit, I have done nothing but try to be there for him, his family. Let him know that someone still loved him. And even then I wasn't good enough. I lost a freakin baby, at 19 years old. Ever since I have battled with depression. I do apologize that I have gained weight, that I have yet to lose, because of that depression. But, I am working on it, and I am almost 30 pounds down. Too bad he'll never get to see it, because he's not worth it. He could never love me for one reason or another... And honestly, I don't think I ever loved him.. I was consumed by the thought of him.. I loved the idea of him.
Three months ago, he decided I was not worthy enough to talk to anymore. For one reason or another, the reasons are really unknown to me. He stopped returning phone calls, stopped calling, wouldn't answer an im, text, nothing.
At first I was very taken aback. Almost crushed. But by him doing that, it gave me the time to step back and see what I've been missing. And damn my life felt and looked so much better without him in it. So I took after him, and deleted his existence. I don't have his number, sn, anything. Absolutely no way of contacting him, and for the first time ever, I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off of me because of that.
I have found that person that truly loves me unconditionally, the good, bad, ugly and indifferent. He has loved me from the start, and the hell roller coaster of emotions I have put that boy through has been enough for anyone to call it quits, but he never has. I am just very fortunate that it not take me completely losing him for me to finally see what's been in front of my eyes all of this time... ( Something the 17 year old Dani saw from the get go.)
So in the end, I know it gets a little melodramatic after the gagillionth time you say goodbye to someone, however I can honestly say that this time, I have felt more confident, and relieved, by doing so, than any time ever in the past. And honestly, I don't think I will never see him again, fore that is impossible, fate is a cruel demon. However, if/when I run into him, I can only hope to remember the good times ( what few there were, ) say hello, and goodbye just as if he were another acquaintance, because in the end, that's all he ever really was meant to be to begin with.
Ok, enough with the sappy crap. Onto more important news.. My mother is getting engaged later this month.. Yippy.. I can't stand him, what else is new.. My crackhead brother Ryan is apparently engaged as well.
Also, Jason and I are thinking of an October, 2010 wedding.. I'm not gonna lie.. Having kids has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.. Jason and I have talked about it.. I'm not sure if I'm just getting the kid bug because EVERYONE I graduate with has at least one kid, if not one on the way or two already.. I dunno.. Technically, we should have a little one running around here right now.. Would have been turning 2 in October.. Guess everything happens for a reason though..
Well.. It is definitely time to hit the sack..
Always and forever,
Dani
When did life start to change? Was it instantly when we graduated from highschool.. or was it a gradual progression throughout highschool? One day we are all planning the next kegger at PI or BP, the next we are scattered throughout the continental US, and even some overseas in the war.. I mean really, where did the time go?
I used to think if I was given the opportunity to re-do highschool, that I would jump on it faster than anything. It was actually up until just recently that I felt that way. I guess I was harboring old feelings, afraid of the one thing I was always longing for back then, and that would be growing up. It amazes me when I go back and re-read past entires how adult I sounded at such a young age, and how young I feel now that I'm ' so much older' than I was back then.
Highschool in a nutshell, was a wonderful experience for me. I don't think I would change a single thing, and now I can honestly say if given the chance, I wouldn't even want to repeat it. The past is the past, and it's there for a reason. It's there to remain the past.
I have spent so much of the last 3 years depressed, angry, hurt, and any other adjective you can think of to describe complete despair. I longed for a relationship with Josh, that quite frankly, I can't even tell you now how much of my feelings were fabricated based on years of lies. What I wanted was the him I thought I knew he was. I wanted him to be everything I wasn't, everything I could never be. So in my mind, that is the way I saw him. I saw him as a perfect person, with flawless characteristics. When what everyone else was seeing was the true him, I put on blinders. I blinded out any detail that didn't fit into what I thought it should be. He told me what he knew I wanted to hear, to get what he wanted. And in the end he got what he wanted, and I completely lost myself in the process. I forgot how to feel and show emotion, I forgot how to look for the good in people. I forgot how to be loyal, and loving.
Because I did not fit into the mold that he wanted, I was never truly good enough. In highschool, when I was 110 pounds soaking wet, I wasn't good enough because he thought I had an eating disorder. Which even though I've never admitted this to another living soul, unfortunately he was right. I was never hungry, because I was too busy, so I just didn't eat. For days, sometimes a week straight.
And after highschool, and all of the LaShawna bullshit, I have done nothing but try to be there for him, his family. Let him know that someone still loved him. And even then I wasn't good enough. I lost a freakin baby, at 19 years old. Ever since I have battled with depression. I do apologize that I have gained weight, that I have yet to lose, because of that depression. But, I am working on it, and I am almost 30 pounds down. Too bad he'll never get to see it, because he's not worth it. He could never love me for one reason or another... And honestly, I don't think I ever loved him.. I was consumed by the thought of him.. I loved the idea of him.
Three months ago, he decided I was not worthy enough to talk to anymore. For one reason or another, the reasons are really unknown to me. He stopped returning phone calls, stopped calling, wouldn't answer an im, text, nothing.
At first I was very taken aback. Almost crushed. But by him doing that, it gave me the time to step back and see what I've been missing. And damn my life felt and looked so much better without him in it. So I took after him, and deleted his existence. I don't have his number, sn, anything. Absolutely no way of contacting him, and for the first time ever, I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off of me because of that.
I have found that person that truly loves me unconditionally, the good, bad, ugly and indifferent. He has loved me from the start, and the hell roller coaster of emotions I have put that boy through has been enough for anyone to call it quits, but he never has. I am just very fortunate that it not take me completely losing him for me to finally see what's been in front of my eyes all of this time... ( Something the 17 year old Dani saw from the get go.)
So in the end, I know it gets a little melodramatic after the gagillionth time you say goodbye to someone, however I can honestly say that this time, I have felt more confident, and relieved, by doing so, than any time ever in the past. And honestly, I don't think I will never see him again, fore that is impossible, fate is a cruel demon. However, if/when I run into him, I can only hope to remember the good times ( what few there were, ) say hello, and goodbye just as if he were another acquaintance, because in the end, that's all he ever really was meant to be to begin with.
Ok, enough with the sappy crap. Onto more important news.. My mother is getting engaged later this month.. Yippy.. I can't stand him, what else is new.. My crackhead brother Ryan is apparently engaged as well.
Also, Jason and I are thinking of an October, 2010 wedding.. I'm not gonna lie.. Having kids has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.. Jason and I have talked about it.. I'm not sure if I'm just getting the kid bug because EVERYONE I graduate with has at least one kid, if not one on the way or two already.. I dunno.. Technically, we should have a little one running around here right now.. Would have been turning 2 in October.. Guess everything happens for a reason though..
Well.. It is definitely time to hit the sack..
Always and forever,
Dani