ye olde unfinished story
I saw three babies today, three babies in a row. Maybe they were born a few months ago because they were tiny. A woman was pushing them in a stroller built for three babies. They all looked the same and made the same noises. The one with the blue shirt pointed at me and I pointed back. Hey baby, I said. Hey little baby. I think I must have said it too loud because it started to cry. One of the other babies started crying too and it sounded the same as the first baby. They all made the same noises. I wanted to see them better so I got closer but they didn’t look good so close up. I had to walk fast to catch up with the lady pushing the stroller. It’s okay, she said. I think she was talking to the babies. But I didn’t like the way the babies looked up close and I felt almost like I was going to cry. There was snot on their faces and their cheeks were red. It’s okay, it’s okay, the lady kept saying. I pretended she was talking to me. But I’m pretty sure she was talking to the babies. They looked like little monsters. All of a sudden I wished there weren’t any babies at all. All the snot and all that. Molly used to say she would have a baby if she could borrow someone else’s body to carry it. But they looked like little monsters to me, all three of them making the same noises and I wouldn’t carry one even if I had someone else’s body.
When my mom’s hands were still strong enough to hold the camera she used to take pictures of me and Molly like we were leaving the next day. She used to say just sit still so I can take the pictures. You want to be good for Mommy don’t you? Don’t you love Mommy? I don’t know about Molly but I didn’t want to because I don’t care about being good and I don’t care if she loved me or not. Loving somebody never got anybody anywhere. But sometimes I sat still and it was okay. The old lady who rented one of our rooms used to come over every afternoon and sit and talk with my mom. Mom would ask her oh, hello, how are you this afternoon? And she would say oh, I’m happy to be here, Terry. Actually I’m happy to be anywhere. And she would start laughing but it sounded like coughing. I don’t know why that was supposed to be funny but I guess it was because she was so old. I asked mom if being old always had to be sad. She said you’re too young to worry about that. Promise me you won’t worry about that. Sit still for the camera. I hated that old lady for being sad and old and I hated mom for making us sit still for the camera and asking us if we loved her. That question always made me sad. Actually when Molly started going out with boys she’d ask them that, too. Don’t you love me? That seems like a sad question to me. But Molly liked to ask questions a lot and when we had to go to the doctors she’d be the one asking questions. And that seemed sad too somehow. Mom used to have a pillow that said love is all you need. It was stitched in red and white letters and there was a heart stitched onto it. I used to put my head on it when I slept on the couch and mom would always say that pillow is for looking, not for sleeping.
When Molly got an apartment that was far away from our house with mom and the old lady, she put up three paintings. One of them was a hill with a river. The second one was ugly and looked like the sun melting. The third one was my favorite because it showed a lady looking in the mirror. She was fixing her hair and looking into the mirror. I think Molly liked it because it looked like her. She put it above her bed. I wish I could have taken it because I would like to hang it up where people could see it, not just in a bed. That’s a bad place to put a painting if you ask me.
Mom’s hands stopped working when I was thirteen. And I remember that because she used to say you’re thirteen, you’re bad luck. Look, my hands won’t work anymore. I always felt bad and I used to hold them and try to fix them. I thought when I turn fourteen I won’t break her hands anymore. Molly brought a boy over once who said hey little man, you’re tall for thirteen. You should play basketball. But I couldn’t do that because I would feel bad about using my hands when I’d broken mom’s hands. Maybe if mom’s hands worked well enough to play basketball I wouldn’t feel bad about it. But that boy was pretty nice to me and he always said hey little man, you should come see Molly more often. But I had things to fix at the house. Mom’s hands felt rough like carpet when I held them.
Molly used to get sad and sometimes cry and say that it was all her fault and that she had hurt me and that she was sorry. But I said it wasn't her fault and told her please not to feel bad. She looked at me with a really bad look on her face and she'd say oh little Neil, you're never going to be the same again ever because of me. She would only talk like that at night when she didn't have any boys over and nobody was calling and she was waiting for the water to boil for dinner or something like that. So not always. She would always look at that painting of the sun melting and rub her eyes with paper towels. She'd say god now I messed up my makeup. I guess I just mess everything up she always said. I told her she didn't and she would say oh god Neil. She'd get up and make sure the water wasn't boiling yet. Thursdays she made spaghetti and it took forever for the water to boil. I said there's nothing wrong with me so you didn't do anything wrong. She'd say Neil, there is too something wrong with you. You think slower because of me. Maybe someday you'll think about that. I used to wish that boy would come over who called me little man because she didn't cry when he was around. Maybe he could live there with her and she wouldn't talk like that ever.
Molly used to know a boy who liked sailing and we lived in a place with no water so he would take her on long drives until they got to a lake. I went with them most of the time. I was scared of the water because it was big and didn't look like it stopped anywhere. So the boy would let me sit in the car. The car was always pointing away from the water so I usually just slept. When I turned around I could see the boat going through the water but I would rather have just slept anyway. I like being asleep in cars better than being awake in cars because I get scared in cars most of the time. Molly said oh that's because you were in a car when you hurt your head, of course you'll be scared. But being scared of things never got anybody anywhere so I tried not to get scared. But it's hard to tell yourself not to be scared because you'll always be scared anyway. I would wake up when they opened the car doors and they would laugh and smelled like the lake. Oh boy that was a good one, Molly would say. That was fun huh? She didn't ask me if it was fun because sleeping in the car wasn't very fun. She'd turn around and look at me laughing and say oh Neil, wake up sleepyhead. Mom used to call us sleepyheads and usually she was laughing too. It's funny how mom and Molly always said a lot of the same things.
When Mom's hands broke because I was thirteen she started washing them all the time. She used to buy boxes of soap at the store so big that I had to help her carry them. Sometimes the bars of soap were green, but that was only when she couldn't get the orange ones which were her favorites. She said Molly and Neil, now you two don't use the orange bars because those are Mommy's bars. Molly said mom you're being weird again. Mom didn't talk to Molly very much and got mad at her a lot. I guess that made sense because mom's hands were broken so of course she wasn't going to be normal. I don't think Molly would be normal if that happened to her.
Sometimes Molly would start crying when we weren't at her apartment and it always made me feel bad. She started crying once while we talked to the doctor and she kept saying I am cursed. I didn't know why she would feel cursed because I think being cursed would be a lot scarier than just being at the doctor. The doctor was asking me about a million questions about what I remembered. I hated that question because it made me sad usually. I didn't remember anything and I always told the doctors that. I remembered some things of course but I didn't want to tell them. Those things were for remembering and not for telling. The doctor asked me if I had headaches still and I'd say yes but they weren't so bad. Before mom's hands got broken she used to rub my head when I had headaches. But after her hands broke I had to take care of my own head. The doctors asked me that a lot too. The doctor said well we can take a few more pictures of your brain and see if we can't make those headaches go away once and for all. Molly was crying in the quiet way she always cried when we weren't at her apartment. She wouldn't make noises or anything. She would just sit there and it would be very quiet but I'd hear her sniffle and I'd look over and see a big tear on her face. And when she said oh god I'm cursed, she said it in a very quiet way. Molly used to say things like that a lot. I think cursed was her favorite word. She said it a lot. After awhile I wanted to stop listening to her anyway but I had to because it's hard to just stop listening. She used to look at that painting above her bed and say yeah I know how you feel.
When my mom’s hands were still strong enough to hold the camera she used to take pictures of me and Molly like we were leaving the next day. She used to say just sit still so I can take the pictures. You want to be good for Mommy don’t you? Don’t you love Mommy? I don’t know about Molly but I didn’t want to because I don’t care about being good and I don’t care if she loved me or not. Loving somebody never got anybody anywhere. But sometimes I sat still and it was okay. The old lady who rented one of our rooms used to come over every afternoon and sit and talk with my mom. Mom would ask her oh, hello, how are you this afternoon? And she would say oh, I’m happy to be here, Terry. Actually I’m happy to be anywhere. And she would start laughing but it sounded like coughing. I don’t know why that was supposed to be funny but I guess it was because she was so old. I asked mom if being old always had to be sad. She said you’re too young to worry about that. Promise me you won’t worry about that. Sit still for the camera. I hated that old lady for being sad and old and I hated mom for making us sit still for the camera and asking us if we loved her. That question always made me sad. Actually when Molly started going out with boys she’d ask them that, too. Don’t you love me? That seems like a sad question to me. But Molly liked to ask questions a lot and when we had to go to the doctors she’d be the one asking questions. And that seemed sad too somehow. Mom used to have a pillow that said love is all you need. It was stitched in red and white letters and there was a heart stitched onto it. I used to put my head on it when I slept on the couch and mom would always say that pillow is for looking, not for sleeping.
When Molly got an apartment that was far away from our house with mom and the old lady, she put up three paintings. One of them was a hill with a river. The second one was ugly and looked like the sun melting. The third one was my favorite because it showed a lady looking in the mirror. She was fixing her hair and looking into the mirror. I think Molly liked it because it looked like her. She put it above her bed. I wish I could have taken it because I would like to hang it up where people could see it, not just in a bed. That’s a bad place to put a painting if you ask me.
Mom’s hands stopped working when I was thirteen. And I remember that because she used to say you’re thirteen, you’re bad luck. Look, my hands won’t work anymore. I always felt bad and I used to hold them and try to fix them. I thought when I turn fourteen I won’t break her hands anymore. Molly brought a boy over once who said hey little man, you’re tall for thirteen. You should play basketball. But I couldn’t do that because I would feel bad about using my hands when I’d broken mom’s hands. Maybe if mom’s hands worked well enough to play basketball I wouldn’t feel bad about it. But that boy was pretty nice to me and he always said hey little man, you should come see Molly more often. But I had things to fix at the house. Mom’s hands felt rough like carpet when I held them.
Molly used to get sad and sometimes cry and say that it was all her fault and that she had hurt me and that she was sorry. But I said it wasn't her fault and told her please not to feel bad. She looked at me with a really bad look on her face and she'd say oh little Neil, you're never going to be the same again ever because of me. She would only talk like that at night when she didn't have any boys over and nobody was calling and she was waiting for the water to boil for dinner or something like that. So not always. She would always look at that painting of the sun melting and rub her eyes with paper towels. She'd say god now I messed up my makeup. I guess I just mess everything up she always said. I told her she didn't and she would say oh god Neil. She'd get up and make sure the water wasn't boiling yet. Thursdays she made spaghetti and it took forever for the water to boil. I said there's nothing wrong with me so you didn't do anything wrong. She'd say Neil, there is too something wrong with you. You think slower because of me. Maybe someday you'll think about that. I used to wish that boy would come over who called me little man because she didn't cry when he was around. Maybe he could live there with her and she wouldn't talk like that ever.
Molly used to know a boy who liked sailing and we lived in a place with no water so he would take her on long drives until they got to a lake. I went with them most of the time. I was scared of the water because it was big and didn't look like it stopped anywhere. So the boy would let me sit in the car. The car was always pointing away from the water so I usually just slept. When I turned around I could see the boat going through the water but I would rather have just slept anyway. I like being asleep in cars better than being awake in cars because I get scared in cars most of the time. Molly said oh that's because you were in a car when you hurt your head, of course you'll be scared. But being scared of things never got anybody anywhere so I tried not to get scared. But it's hard to tell yourself not to be scared because you'll always be scared anyway. I would wake up when they opened the car doors and they would laugh and smelled like the lake. Oh boy that was a good one, Molly would say. That was fun huh? She didn't ask me if it was fun because sleeping in the car wasn't very fun. She'd turn around and look at me laughing and say oh Neil, wake up sleepyhead. Mom used to call us sleepyheads and usually she was laughing too. It's funny how mom and Molly always said a lot of the same things.
When Mom's hands broke because I was thirteen she started washing them all the time. She used to buy boxes of soap at the store so big that I had to help her carry them. Sometimes the bars of soap were green, but that was only when she couldn't get the orange ones which were her favorites. She said Molly and Neil, now you two don't use the orange bars because those are Mommy's bars. Molly said mom you're being weird again. Mom didn't talk to Molly very much and got mad at her a lot. I guess that made sense because mom's hands were broken so of course she wasn't going to be normal. I don't think Molly would be normal if that happened to her.
Sometimes Molly would start crying when we weren't at her apartment and it always made me feel bad. She started crying once while we talked to the doctor and she kept saying I am cursed. I didn't know why she would feel cursed because I think being cursed would be a lot scarier than just being at the doctor. The doctor was asking me about a million questions about what I remembered. I hated that question because it made me sad usually. I didn't remember anything and I always told the doctors that. I remembered some things of course but I didn't want to tell them. Those things were for remembering and not for telling. The doctor asked me if I had headaches still and I'd say yes but they weren't so bad. Before mom's hands got broken she used to rub my head when I had headaches. But after her hands broke I had to take care of my own head. The doctors asked me that a lot too. The doctor said well we can take a few more pictures of your brain and see if we can't make those headaches go away once and for all. Molly was crying in the quiet way she always cried when we weren't at her apartment. She wouldn't make noises or anything. She would just sit there and it would be very quiet but I'd hear her sniffle and I'd look over and see a big tear on her face. And when she said oh god I'm cursed, she said it in a very quiet way. Molly used to say things like that a lot. I think cursed was her favorite word. She said it a lot. After awhile I wanted to stop listening to her anyway but I had to because it's hard to just stop listening. She used to look at that painting above her bed and say yeah I know how you feel.