just_1_word | 20.1. Admission
20.1. Admission
[Co-written with pullmysteth]
[Follows THIS but happened the day before THIS]
Riley had been quiet all day. He was generally a quiet sort of person, but this was different. Lachlan stole a glance up at his friend from where he was kneeling on the floor tickling his baby son’s bare tummy, revelling in the soft cooing and smiles he was getting in return. There was no doubt about it, he was a happy baby. The early days may have suggested otherwise, but in the past couple of weeks he had eased out of the screaming periods and transitioned into a lot of smiles, watching people with his big blue eyes and grabbing for anything in his reach. Happy and curious - as a new Dad, Lachlan couldn’t be prouder. Apparently, according to his parents, he had been much the same when he was a baby.
He gently caught his son’s little hand in his before got hold of the Claddagh pendant on a strip of leather around his neck. “No strangling Daddy, now, angel. You got that grip from Mummy, aye? It’s that grip that likely got you here today,” he murmured and then sat back, scooping the two month old securely into his arms. His own blue eyes now turned back to Riley. “Need to talk about it, buddy?” he asked.
Riley blinked, realising he had been caught lost in his own thoughts and immediately looked guilty. He had actually watching Lachlan with his son, which inevitably set off his own jumble of thoughts. Lachlan had come around for a visit whilst Evie took Tara shopping for the day to give her a bit of a break from the house. That left the three boys with time on their hands and hopefully no chance to get up to mischief. Lachlan always had this way of looking at you like he was reading your thoughts but would never push for answers until you volunteered them. His son definitely had his eyes, though, and Riley couldn’t help but wonder if his godson would be giving him that same questioning look in a few years down the track. “Is it selfish and reckless of me to want to try and have a kid?” he finally asked, voicing the fear out loud after letting it consume him for months since his HIV diagnosis.
Lachlan knew immediately this wasn’t going to be a brief chat. He stood and came over to sit beside his friend on the sofa, laying his son down in his lap and putting his hand on the baby’s chest so he could play with his fingers. He met Riley’s eyes intently. “No,” he said firmly. “It’s nay reckless, it’s natural. Being diagnosed with HIV didnae cut off all you’re natural yearnings, mate. Nay at all. Trust me on that. I understand how much it hurts to think might nay have a chance to be a dad when it’s something you’ve always wanted deep down. Riley you’re the least selfish and reckless person I know. Why do you think I trusted you with my son’s life and wanted you to be his godfather?”
Riley took a long time to answer but he knew Lachlan was used to him like this. There would be no pushing and prying. If Riley wanted to abruptly stop talking, Lachlan would just roll with it. Riley stroked his fingers across the baby’s tiny fist and smiled when the little fingers wrapped around his much larger thumb. “What would you do if you were in my position? Would you take the risks to have a baby? I mean, I know that’s probably a difficult question to answer now because you couldn’t imagine your life without your son now, but hypothetically?”
“I dinnae know,” Lachlan admitted honestly, holding Riley’s gaze. “You have to remember my mind is post-traumatic. My thought processes are different and more fearful to someone in a normal position. Someone wanted to murder Tara and from that moment on, I have a very very difficult time letting her into situations that even have the smallest of risks. If I have to answer your question honestly, buddy, I’d have to say no. But it’s nay because of the risk. It’s because I have a deep-seated fear of losing her. Someone bumps into her with a trolley in the supermarket and I have to bite the inside of my cheek nay to give them an abusive mouthful. Would I have gone to lengths to try to have a bairn, though, once the dust of the trauma settled?” He paused and nodded slowly. “Aye, I really think I would have. Sometimes risks are worth it. It’s low risks, buddy. Evie could still take the pre-antivirals simultaneous to the sperm washing procedures. And dinnae be forgetting that there was a high chance you didnae dodge the bullet because you have no spleen. You have to look at the decision from every angle, not just the platform of fear.”
“That’s one platform I can’t seem to jump off,” Riley said with a sigh. “And you know what? I try to put others in my position to just try and get an idea of how they would deal with it or what advice I would give them. If Tab was in Evie’s position and it was Luke with the HIV, I would be telling her not to do it; that there are too many risks.”
Lachlan laughed softly. “Aye, but you’re her big brother and you’re wearing your big brother hat. Luke would just have to look at Tab the wrong way and you would probably cut his balls off and use them for a hood ornament. This time around you’re wearing your future-husband hat and possible-father hat. Different thought processes are involved for all those roles, trust me. Plus, Evie’s thoughts and opinions are going to be just as important to you as your own. This isnae a choice you need to make solely on your own and you know that. That’s the hard part about it. The yearning battling against that sense of protection you have for Evie. You need to talk to her, buddy. That’s your next step. Keep that flow of communication open between you, even if you dinnae always have something to say out loud. There were a few times I didnae do that with Tara and it was nearly a tragedy all over again.”
Riley rest his head back against the sofa and continued to play with the his godson’s fingers, looking at each perfect tiny little nail. He was eight weeks old now and getting more and more adorable by the day. “He makes it so easy for me to just think ‘fuck it all, let’s do it’,” he admitted softly.
“Aye,” Lachlan agreed with a proud smile. “And he’s worth it all, too.”
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 1,121
[Co-written with pullmysteth]
[Follows THIS but happened the day before THIS]
Riley had been quiet all day. He was generally a quiet sort of person, but this was different. Lachlan stole a glance up at his friend from where he was kneeling on the floor tickling his baby son’s bare tummy, revelling in the soft cooing and smiles he was getting in return. There was no doubt about it, he was a happy baby. The early days may have suggested otherwise, but in the past couple of weeks he had eased out of the screaming periods and transitioned into a lot of smiles, watching people with his big blue eyes and grabbing for anything in his reach. Happy and curious - as a new Dad, Lachlan couldn’t be prouder. Apparently, according to his parents, he had been much the same when he was a baby.
He gently caught his son’s little hand in his before got hold of the Claddagh pendant on a strip of leather around his neck. “No strangling Daddy, now, angel. You got that grip from Mummy, aye? It’s that grip that likely got you here today,” he murmured and then sat back, scooping the two month old securely into his arms. His own blue eyes now turned back to Riley. “Need to talk about it, buddy?” he asked.
Riley blinked, realising he had been caught lost in his own thoughts and immediately looked guilty. He had actually watching Lachlan with his son, which inevitably set off his own jumble of thoughts. Lachlan had come around for a visit whilst Evie took Tara shopping for the day to give her a bit of a break from the house. That left the three boys with time on their hands and hopefully no chance to get up to mischief. Lachlan always had this way of looking at you like he was reading your thoughts but would never push for answers until you volunteered them. His son definitely had his eyes, though, and Riley couldn’t help but wonder if his godson would be giving him that same questioning look in a few years down the track. “Is it selfish and reckless of me to want to try and have a kid?” he finally asked, voicing the fear out loud after letting it consume him for months since his HIV diagnosis.
Lachlan knew immediately this wasn’t going to be a brief chat. He stood and came over to sit beside his friend on the sofa, laying his son down in his lap and putting his hand on the baby’s chest so he could play with his fingers. He met Riley’s eyes intently. “No,” he said firmly. “It’s nay reckless, it’s natural. Being diagnosed with HIV didnae cut off all you’re natural yearnings, mate. Nay at all. Trust me on that. I understand how much it hurts to think might nay have a chance to be a dad when it’s something you’ve always wanted deep down. Riley you’re the least selfish and reckless person I know. Why do you think I trusted you with my son’s life and wanted you to be his godfather?”
Riley took a long time to answer but he knew Lachlan was used to him like this. There would be no pushing and prying. If Riley wanted to abruptly stop talking, Lachlan would just roll with it. Riley stroked his fingers across the baby’s tiny fist and smiled when the little fingers wrapped around his much larger thumb. “What would you do if you were in my position? Would you take the risks to have a baby? I mean, I know that’s probably a difficult question to answer now because you couldn’t imagine your life without your son now, but hypothetically?”
“I dinnae know,” Lachlan admitted honestly, holding Riley’s gaze. “You have to remember my mind is post-traumatic. My thought processes are different and more fearful to someone in a normal position. Someone wanted to murder Tara and from that moment on, I have a very very difficult time letting her into situations that even have the smallest of risks. If I have to answer your question honestly, buddy, I’d have to say no. But it’s nay because of the risk. It’s because I have a deep-seated fear of losing her. Someone bumps into her with a trolley in the supermarket and I have to bite the inside of my cheek nay to give them an abusive mouthful. Would I have gone to lengths to try to have a bairn, though, once the dust of the trauma settled?” He paused and nodded slowly. “Aye, I really think I would have. Sometimes risks are worth it. It’s low risks, buddy. Evie could still take the pre-antivirals simultaneous to the sperm washing procedures. And dinnae be forgetting that there was a high chance you didnae dodge the bullet because you have no spleen. You have to look at the decision from every angle, not just the platform of fear.”
“That’s one platform I can’t seem to jump off,” Riley said with a sigh. “And you know what? I try to put others in my position to just try and get an idea of how they would deal with it or what advice I would give them. If Tab was in Evie’s position and it was Luke with the HIV, I would be telling her not to do it; that there are too many risks.”
Lachlan laughed softly. “Aye, but you’re her big brother and you’re wearing your big brother hat. Luke would just have to look at Tab the wrong way and you would probably cut his balls off and use them for a hood ornament. This time around you’re wearing your future-husband hat and possible-father hat. Different thought processes are involved for all those roles, trust me. Plus, Evie’s thoughts and opinions are going to be just as important to you as your own. This isnae a choice you need to make solely on your own and you know that. That’s the hard part about it. The yearning battling against that sense of protection you have for Evie. You need to talk to her, buddy. That’s your next step. Keep that flow of communication open between you, even if you dinnae always have something to say out loud. There were a few times I didnae do that with Tara and it was nearly a tragedy all over again.”
Riley rest his head back against the sofa and continued to play with the his godson’s fingers, looking at each perfect tiny little nail. He was eight weeks old now and getting more and more adorable by the day. “He makes it so easy for me to just think ‘fuck it all, let’s do it’,” he admitted softly.
“Aye,” Lachlan agreed with a proud smile. “And he’s worth it all, too.”
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 1,121