Evil Clown-Bear and the Campervan of DOOM
Cross-posting this happy tale I just wrote up for the brutal_honesty comm. Every word is true, scout's honour.
Around the time I was nine years old, my folks decided to buy a campervan (RV to some of you), on the theory that we could go on camping holidays in it, and it would bring us "closer as a family", or some shit.
It was a professionally converted Toyota HiAce, and when we went down to check it out at the showroom, us kids thought it was the OMG shiniest thing evar. Poptop, gas stove, bar fridge, seats that fold out into beds, beds that roll out from the side roof, and a table that slides out of the sidewall. The crowded, overdesigned interior became apparent in use, but at nine (eight and seven for my brothers) it was the epitome of awesome - like travelling inside a giant Transformer.
Theory worked out for a while, we had a few great camping trips in it, but eventually we settled in to mostly forgetting about it and using it as our slightly embarrasing town transport.
Now, my brother's schoolfriends' father was known as a general fix-it, handyman guy. He was also a set carpenter on the Humphrey B. Bear show. In fact, when the lead bear-suit actor failed to show for whatever reason (hic), Fixit Guy would leap into the suit and take over bear miming duties. So he was known as the "relief Humphrey"
Humphrey Bear was a particular hero of mine, because when I was five I saw him at a local shopping centre (mall) Christmas pageant, and he (by signing to his non-mute assistant) called me up on stage to sing a carol. I sang "Away In A Manger" for the crowd. This was kinda the highlight of my kiddy life for a while there.
Fast forward to the teen years. At some point, the campervan gets a dent in the side, so Fixit Guy offers to, well, fix it, and have a look at a few other things while he's there. Says he'll drop it back round our place in a few days.
Time passes. Dad comes home from work to find the camper in the driveway. Along with three police cars, several police, and a forensic team, dusting it for prints. When Dad approaches them to find out what's what, head cop goes eye-popping berserker blood rage, pins him up against a wall, and has to be pulled off of him by his colleagues.
Turns out, Fixit Guy/Relief Humphrey has spent the last few days using the van to abduct little girls from outside primary schools and .... well, you can fill in the rest. Eventually he was sent to prison for a long, long, long-ass time.
Here's the b_h:
We kept the van
Even though a beloved children's TV bear had been molesting little girls in the back, we kept the damn van. We went on holidays in it. Hell, when I came of driving age, I had sex in it.
It really only occurred to me years later how completely squicky the whole thing was, and that we should have pushed it over a cliff or some shit.
Around the time I was nine years old, my folks decided to buy a campervan (RV to some of you), on the theory that we could go on camping holidays in it, and it would bring us "closer as a family", or some shit.
It was a professionally converted Toyota HiAce, and when we went down to check it out at the showroom, us kids thought it was the OMG shiniest thing evar. Poptop, gas stove, bar fridge, seats that fold out into beds, beds that roll out from the side roof, and a table that slides out of the sidewall. The crowded, overdesigned interior became apparent in use, but at nine (eight and seven for my brothers) it was the epitome of awesome - like travelling inside a giant Transformer.
Theory worked out for a while, we had a few great camping trips in it, but eventually we settled in to mostly forgetting about it and using it as our slightly embarrasing town transport.
Now, my brother's schoolfriends' father was known as a general fix-it, handyman guy. He was also a set carpenter on the Humphrey B. Bear show. In fact, when the lead bear-suit actor failed to show for whatever reason (hic), Fixit Guy would leap into the suit and take over bear miming duties. So he was known as the "relief Humphrey"
Humphrey Bear was a particular hero of mine, because when I was five I saw him at a local shopping centre (mall) Christmas pageant, and he (by signing to his non-mute assistant) called me up on stage to sing a carol. I sang "Away In A Manger" for the crowd. This was kinda the highlight of my kiddy life for a while there.
Fast forward to the teen years. At some point, the campervan gets a dent in the side, so Fixit Guy offers to, well, fix it, and have a look at a few other things while he's there. Says he'll drop it back round our place in a few days.
Time passes. Dad comes home from work to find the camper in the driveway. Along with three police cars, several police, and a forensic team, dusting it for prints. When Dad approaches them to find out what's what, head cop goes eye-popping berserker blood rage, pins him up against a wall, and has to be pulled off of him by his colleagues.
Turns out, Fixit Guy/Relief Humphrey has spent the last few days using the van to abduct little girls from outside primary schools and .... well, you can fill in the rest. Eventually he was sent to prison for a long, long, long-ass time.
Here's the b_h:
We kept the van
Even though a beloved children's TV bear had been molesting little girls in the back, we kept the damn van. We went on holidays in it. Hell, when I came of driving age, I had sex in it.
It really only occurred to me years later how completely squicky the whole thing was, and that we should have pushed it over a cliff or some shit.