555
Thursday was 5/5/05. I realized that at like 1:00 pm in the afternoon on Thursday. I thought it was neat. So I e-mailed some people about it. I was even so enamored with it, t I got excited and called Laura at 5:00 pm to let her know that it’s a historic occasion. I’m calling her on 5/5/05 at 5:00pm. I was just being silly and thought she’d get a chuckle. Of course, I’m no longer in the mood to be silly. In fact, I don’t like thinking about the 2005 Cinco de Mayo anymore. I wish I could forget it all together.
See, 2 hours after my ‘silly’ call to Laura, she dumped my ass. Not because of that call, I presume, but because, well, I don’t why. See, I couldn’t get a fucking straight answer. She just felt that she wasn’t giving enough to our relationship and that wasn’t fair to me, or she just didn’t feel the emotion, or some other bullshit. Essentially, she said ‘it’s not you, it’s me,’ Well guess what, if I had to put money on it, I’d say it’s me.
But that’s just it. I don’t have a reason and that’s what I really want. I want a reason as to why this happened. How’d I screw up this time? She just said she lost the feeling. Well guess what? About 3 weeks ago, I was losing the feeling. Then I searched deep down and looked hard at what I really wanted. I realized that she was good for me, our personality’s seemed to be good for each other, and when she was around, I was happy. I realized my misgivings about our relationship was simply my never-ending quest to make myself miserable. And I wasn’t going to fall into that trap, but apparently she couldn’t do the same.
But who’s to say she was actually feeling the same way I was three weeks ago? Who’s to say anything since she can’t give me a goddamn reason or cause for this. There had to be a moment, a trigger, something that made her decide she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I want to know what. My thoughts are becoming perversely evil the more that time goes by without a solid reason. First, I’m thinking there’s another guy. She denied it on Thursday, but can I trust her? She did hang out with her Chris friend a whole lot. Currently, I’m thinking she never really liked me at all. Maybe she just felt sorry for me. I mean, why else would a girl be interested in me to begin with?
Thursday night I fell asleep more or less fine. When she broke up with me, my sarcasm immediately kicked in. First resort as far as defense mechanisms go. My second resort? Sleep. My body loves to sleep and escape from my pathetic life. It was nice though, sleeping. Now I can’t sleep. Maybe I had too much caffeine. I don’t really know why I can’t sleep.
I stayed up till about 4:00am today and then went to bed. Then the thoughts started creeping into my head. All the stuff I wanted to say to Laura started popping into my mind. I’m probably going to have to talk to her today or tomorrow and I have a lot of things I’d like to say. Most of them aren’t fair; in fact, they’re intentionally not fair. So the question is, do I want to say them to her because that’s how I feel? Or do I want to say them just so she feels bad. I think I just want to hurt her. Make her feel at least a small amount of the pain she’s inflicted on me.
But I just have so many thoughts and emotions, angry thoughts and melancholy emotions.
I want her to ask me how I’m doing. Just so I can say to her that she can’t ask me that. She doesn’t have the right to ask me that for now. She knows how I’m doing, and why. She’s the cause of it. If you inflict pain on someone, it’s simply rude to then ask if they’re doing alright, because obviously, you really doesn’t care how I’m doing or how I feel or else you wouldn’t have hurt me. But I’d tell her that she did hurt me, so she doesn’t care how I’m feeling.
We were planning on going to the Snow Patrol concert on Wednesday with some friends. I’m still invited, if I want to go. I want to tell her that I can’t go. Because I’d have to be seated around her, and all the time the concert’s going on I’d be thinking one thing. I was looking forward to going to this concert with her, since I knew how much she likes live music. I thought it was going to be fun. I was looking forward to doing a lot of things with her, actually. Summer is just coming up and I was looking forward to walking through the park with, going to the zoo with her, going to Valley Fair, etc. With the snow melting, we could finally break our cabin fever and enjoy the world. I was looking forward to enjoying the world with Laura. Apparently the feeling wasn’t mutual. She wasn’t looking forward to doing anything with me. So since she wasn’t looking forward to going to the concert with me, then no, I don’t want to go with her.
She always told me to open up more. She wanted me to express my emotions to her. And I tried. I realize I’m fairly protective of my emotions. And I wonder why that is. Maybe because when I put myself out there like I did with her, I end up with egg on my face. I want to ask her why she wanted me to open up to her, was it so it would hurt that much more when she did this to me? Was that her plan?
She said she still wants to be friends. The whole idea is weird to me, because we were never ‘just friends’. We’ve essentially been dating since the second time we met. I wouldn’t know how to act around her as ‘just friends’. But I want to ask her is why she wants to be friends. Why does she want to be friends with me? What about me makes her think I’m worth her time. Obviously I’m not worth it to her to be a boyfriend, then bother with being a friend?
Secretly, deep down inside, there’s part of me that’s wants me to tell her this, “I’m doing just fine,” I’d say that it’s really no big deal, because she wasn’t important to me anyway. I just hung out with you because it was something to do and I was bored. I don’t really mind at all that she dumped me.
Now, in reality, wouldn’t that just be a lie specifically designed to hurt her? Probably, but the truth is, I have yet to cry. Then again, I’ve cried most of tears away long ago. There’s really nothing left in the tank.
Yet, sometimes I feel hurt, betrayed, and angry. Other times, I feel like I’m only convincing myself to feel hurt, betrayed, and angry since that’s how I SHOULD feel if most of my emotions hadn’t died long ago.
I guess that’s the point though. The last four months were new and exciting for me. I finally had someone who could comfort me and make me feel worthwhile. Now I’m left in the same, lonely, miserable state I’ve been in for most my life. My weekends will be filled with moping around and lamenting about my lack of girlfriend and lack of ways to find a new girlfriend. Laura left me falling into a deep abyss of melodramatic despair.
In the end I’ll probably never ask or say any of those things to her. I don’t think I have the heart to. I’d probably feel that I’m saying them just to make her feel as guilty as possible. I want her to hurt, and I hurt because I feel that way. I’ll probably just be her friend and put on a fake smile and avoid getting that look from her. That look she gives that brought warmth before and now gives chills down my spine now.
I’ll always be left with questions, though. Why did she do this? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to cause her to do this? What was I lacking that made her decide this? Her answers would be that I did nothing and it just wasn’t right between us. I’ll always believe that’s a lie. I did do something wrong, the sad thing is, I’ll just never know what.
Well, the sun is rising and I’ve babble incoherently long enough. This the first sunset I’ve seen in a long time. Maybe I’ll go for a walk. Walk through that park I was looking forward to walking through with Laura. I just have to remind myself of my goal again. Laura is now just one of the many girls that could’ve had me and let me go. I now have to better myself. I have to do something great. Then, someday, Laura and the rest of you girls will realize what a truly great person I am. Someday you’ll all wish you never let me get away. Hehehe.
See, 2 hours after my ‘silly’ call to Laura, she dumped my ass. Not because of that call, I presume, but because, well, I don’t why. See, I couldn’t get a fucking straight answer. She just felt that she wasn’t giving enough to our relationship and that wasn’t fair to me, or she just didn’t feel the emotion, or some other bullshit. Essentially, she said ‘it’s not you, it’s me,’ Well guess what, if I had to put money on it, I’d say it’s me.
But that’s just it. I don’t have a reason and that’s what I really want. I want a reason as to why this happened. How’d I screw up this time? She just said she lost the feeling. Well guess what? About 3 weeks ago, I was losing the feeling. Then I searched deep down and looked hard at what I really wanted. I realized that she was good for me, our personality’s seemed to be good for each other, and when she was around, I was happy. I realized my misgivings about our relationship was simply my never-ending quest to make myself miserable. And I wasn’t going to fall into that trap, but apparently she couldn’t do the same.
But who’s to say she was actually feeling the same way I was three weeks ago? Who’s to say anything since she can’t give me a goddamn reason or cause for this. There had to be a moment, a trigger, something that made her decide she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I want to know what. My thoughts are becoming perversely evil the more that time goes by without a solid reason. First, I’m thinking there’s another guy. She denied it on Thursday, but can I trust her? She did hang out with her Chris friend a whole lot. Currently, I’m thinking she never really liked me at all. Maybe she just felt sorry for me. I mean, why else would a girl be interested in me to begin with?
Thursday night I fell asleep more or less fine. When she broke up with me, my sarcasm immediately kicked in. First resort as far as defense mechanisms go. My second resort? Sleep. My body loves to sleep and escape from my pathetic life. It was nice though, sleeping. Now I can’t sleep. Maybe I had too much caffeine. I don’t really know why I can’t sleep.
I stayed up till about 4:00am today and then went to bed. Then the thoughts started creeping into my head. All the stuff I wanted to say to Laura started popping into my mind. I’m probably going to have to talk to her today or tomorrow and I have a lot of things I’d like to say. Most of them aren’t fair; in fact, they’re intentionally not fair. So the question is, do I want to say them to her because that’s how I feel? Or do I want to say them just so she feels bad. I think I just want to hurt her. Make her feel at least a small amount of the pain she’s inflicted on me.
But I just have so many thoughts and emotions, angry thoughts and melancholy emotions.
I want her to ask me how I’m doing. Just so I can say to her that she can’t ask me that. She doesn’t have the right to ask me that for now. She knows how I’m doing, and why. She’s the cause of it. If you inflict pain on someone, it’s simply rude to then ask if they’re doing alright, because obviously, you really doesn’t care how I’m doing or how I feel or else you wouldn’t have hurt me. But I’d tell her that she did hurt me, so she doesn’t care how I’m feeling.
We were planning on going to the Snow Patrol concert on Wednesday with some friends. I’m still invited, if I want to go. I want to tell her that I can’t go. Because I’d have to be seated around her, and all the time the concert’s going on I’d be thinking one thing. I was looking forward to going to this concert with her, since I knew how much she likes live music. I thought it was going to be fun. I was looking forward to doing a lot of things with her, actually. Summer is just coming up and I was looking forward to walking through the park with, going to the zoo with her, going to Valley Fair, etc. With the snow melting, we could finally break our cabin fever and enjoy the world. I was looking forward to enjoying the world with Laura. Apparently the feeling wasn’t mutual. She wasn’t looking forward to doing anything with me. So since she wasn’t looking forward to going to the concert with me, then no, I don’t want to go with her.
She always told me to open up more. She wanted me to express my emotions to her. And I tried. I realize I’m fairly protective of my emotions. And I wonder why that is. Maybe because when I put myself out there like I did with her, I end up with egg on my face. I want to ask her why she wanted me to open up to her, was it so it would hurt that much more when she did this to me? Was that her plan?
She said she still wants to be friends. The whole idea is weird to me, because we were never ‘just friends’. We’ve essentially been dating since the second time we met. I wouldn’t know how to act around her as ‘just friends’. But I want to ask her is why she wants to be friends. Why does she want to be friends with me? What about me makes her think I’m worth her time. Obviously I’m not worth it to her to be a boyfriend, then bother with being a friend?
Secretly, deep down inside, there’s part of me that’s wants me to tell her this, “I’m doing just fine,” I’d say that it’s really no big deal, because she wasn’t important to me anyway. I just hung out with you because it was something to do and I was bored. I don’t really mind at all that she dumped me.
Now, in reality, wouldn’t that just be a lie specifically designed to hurt her? Probably, but the truth is, I have yet to cry. Then again, I’ve cried most of tears away long ago. There’s really nothing left in the tank.
Yet, sometimes I feel hurt, betrayed, and angry. Other times, I feel like I’m only convincing myself to feel hurt, betrayed, and angry since that’s how I SHOULD feel if most of my emotions hadn’t died long ago.
I guess that’s the point though. The last four months were new and exciting for me. I finally had someone who could comfort me and make me feel worthwhile. Now I’m left in the same, lonely, miserable state I’ve been in for most my life. My weekends will be filled with moping around and lamenting about my lack of girlfriend and lack of ways to find a new girlfriend. Laura left me falling into a deep abyss of melodramatic despair.
In the end I’ll probably never ask or say any of those things to her. I don’t think I have the heart to. I’d probably feel that I’m saying them just to make her feel as guilty as possible. I want her to hurt, and I hurt because I feel that way. I’ll probably just be her friend and put on a fake smile and avoid getting that look from her. That look she gives that brought warmth before and now gives chills down my spine now.
I’ll always be left with questions, though. Why did she do this? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to cause her to do this? What was I lacking that made her decide this? Her answers would be that I did nothing and it just wasn’t right between us. I’ll always believe that’s a lie. I did do something wrong, the sad thing is, I’ll just never know what.
Well, the sun is rising and I’ve babble incoherently long enough. This the first sunset I’ve seen in a long time. Maybe I’ll go for a walk. Walk through that park I was looking forward to walking through with Laura. I just have to remind myself of my goal again. Laura is now just one of the many girls that could’ve had me and let me go. I now have to better myself. I have to do something great. Then, someday, Laura and the rest of you girls will realize what a truly great person I am. Someday you’ll all wish you never let me get away. Hehehe.