Consider this as, an akashic record, of sorts.
Now, it's really been a while. These past few years have been quite the roller coaster for sure. Not as if anyone out there will actually pick up what I'm putting down, however this is the healthiest way I've figured to work on venting. From the last post I made back in 2013, I fell by the wayside into heroin (as has alot of our society today, sadly) from 2012 pretty much the beginning of this year. It's amazing how I'm 29 years old already! Not going to wander away from where I was going with this... Anyway, I'm currently in recovery. I haven't used anything since February 27th.
I've decided to take the sober way of living. I've decided that I couldn't put my family, a myself through such a miserable circumstance anymore. I'm currently residing at The Salvation Army ARC, finding solace in sobriety. With being clean from these substances, had I finally been able to look deep down inside at my underlying character defects, as God himself allows me to handle them, as they approach me. I've always known of my potential for achieving great things, yet squandered them away carelessly. In turn, creating a vicious cycle that manifested, chewed, and devoured me from the inside out. I got to this point where I realized that change was the only method for my personal survival.
This was a personal ultimatum to myself, despite the hatred I've had for the particular circumstance. I've had these amazing visions, and insights that I was going to do something huge in this world, and change it for the better, like on a global scale. But these demons inside of me threw me so far by the wayside that I never thought that I would conquer them. Why not just blur them out? Sure! This was my way of life for over a decade. I couldn't bear to deal with these utterly disgusting traits which I carried, the way I was raised, etc. In turn, now being where I'm at, at 116 days of sobriety, which is to me amazing.
I've been interested in the IT field for pretty much my whole life, and that's fine. But I've decided to pursue a career of becoming a substance abuse counselor. I have this little bug inside of myself that wants to fix things. The way it made me feel to see the look on somebody's face to be a hero for just that moment was like a drug in itself, it made me feel good inside. But my only real motivation aside from personal enjoyment was for money. Inside, it really didn't phase me, or make me sleep better at night. There was still something missing, was it God? Was it my one true love whom I awaited ever so patiently for? I don't think so. I think I was using my ability and my positive traits, skills, etc for the wrong thing.
None of this is certain, I'm still figuring it out as I chug along, down this winding road which I've left to the care of God to lay before me. I think that was definitely one of the main things that was missing. Also, I think inside that I was addicted before I even knew what it was to be addicted. I didn't know how in the world to handle these emotions that I couldn't quite put my finger on. But today, I'm getting there. It's not easy, in fact, I still have difficulty doing it. But the important thing is, I don't really care what anyone else thinks, I'm doing this for myself, to be selfish one more time. If people don't/can't understand, then it's okay. I'm not going to beg you to be my friends. I'm on a mission to change the world, and I won't stop until I do.
Today is the day I wake up and use my abundance of intellect for something more than just making money, to be wasted and squandered away on material objects. Sure, I want to have the nice things that I truly need, but I am not going to be selfish in that regard anymore. I'm ready to give away what I have, because I know (but don't count on) that God will give back what I put in, 10 fold. This is the truth as I believe it. It's my story and I'm sticking to it.
With that, I'll leave this post with this... Believing is possible, if possibility is something that you can believe it.
With much love from the inner depths...
Sincerely,
Adam
I've decided to take the sober way of living. I've decided that I couldn't put my family, a myself through such a miserable circumstance anymore. I'm currently residing at The Salvation Army ARC, finding solace in sobriety. With being clean from these substances, had I finally been able to look deep down inside at my underlying character defects, as God himself allows me to handle them, as they approach me. I've always known of my potential for achieving great things, yet squandered them away carelessly. In turn, creating a vicious cycle that manifested, chewed, and devoured me from the inside out. I got to this point where I realized that change was the only method for my personal survival.
This was a personal ultimatum to myself, despite the hatred I've had for the particular circumstance. I've had these amazing visions, and insights that I was going to do something huge in this world, and change it for the better, like on a global scale. But these demons inside of me threw me so far by the wayside that I never thought that I would conquer them. Why not just blur them out? Sure! This was my way of life for over a decade. I couldn't bear to deal with these utterly disgusting traits which I carried, the way I was raised, etc. In turn, now being where I'm at, at 116 days of sobriety, which is to me amazing.
I've been interested in the IT field for pretty much my whole life, and that's fine. But I've decided to pursue a career of becoming a substance abuse counselor. I have this little bug inside of myself that wants to fix things. The way it made me feel to see the look on somebody's face to be a hero for just that moment was like a drug in itself, it made me feel good inside. But my only real motivation aside from personal enjoyment was for money. Inside, it really didn't phase me, or make me sleep better at night. There was still something missing, was it God? Was it my one true love whom I awaited ever so patiently for? I don't think so. I think I was using my ability and my positive traits, skills, etc for the wrong thing.
None of this is certain, I'm still figuring it out as I chug along, down this winding road which I've left to the care of God to lay before me. I think that was definitely one of the main things that was missing. Also, I think inside that I was addicted before I even knew what it was to be addicted. I didn't know how in the world to handle these emotions that I couldn't quite put my finger on. But today, I'm getting there. It's not easy, in fact, I still have difficulty doing it. But the important thing is, I don't really care what anyone else thinks, I'm doing this for myself, to be selfish one more time. If people don't/can't understand, then it's okay. I'm not going to beg you to be my friends. I'm on a mission to change the world, and I won't stop until I do.
Today is the day I wake up and use my abundance of intellect for something more than just making money, to be wasted and squandered away on material objects. Sure, I want to have the nice things that I truly need, but I am not going to be selfish in that regard anymore. I'm ready to give away what I have, because I know (but don't count on) that God will give back what I put in, 10 fold. This is the truth as I believe it. It's my story and I'm sticking to it.
With that, I'll leave this post with this... Believing is possible, if possibility is something that you can believe it.
With much love from the inner depths...
Sincerely,
Adam