(no subject)
There was so much traffic. I thought it would take me hours.. well it took me two.. double the usual. Blahg. Got there.. kind of uncomfortable. I felt too demanded to react. like there was a reaction that i was supposed to have. it was weird. didnt feel comfortable. Smoked a little, he played his guitar. Kept demanding i choose something for him to play when really i didnt care whether he played at all. My head was hurting. And my heart was in my stomach. Kept praying it would get better. We smoked more, went and hung out with his friend. His mom was super nice. dinner was going to be ready at 10. But there was adam's concert and jess was sick but got ready to go anyways.. so jess and john picked me. We disappeared till about 2:30 am. When i got back i just wanted to crumple into bed. my nerves had been on hiatus (spelling?) and my body was dead. He was crest fallen. Kept offering me wine, and to smoke more, but never any conversation. Nothing to talk about, no flirting, no banter. I felt like i was supposed to be in love with him but couldnt figure out why. Finally we went down to his room.. he left and i crawled in bed and fell asleep before he got there.. well i pretended to sleep the first few minutes he was in his room.. i just didnt want to wake up.. to hear him tell lame jokes that i didnt find particularly very funny..maybe thats because they werent very good.. too forced.. too immature?
weird.
Woke up at 8:30. Felt like hell. Just kept thinking this sucks. he offered me a bowl. I smoked. Asked him to put on mellow music. After rummaging a moment, said he couldnt find anything. How is that possible? how is that FUCKING possible???? thats when i completely understood that this was not working. That i couldnt be with someone who i dunno.. *sigh*. It just made me want to go home.. like strongly. So strongly that every cell in my body ached to go home. But i fell back asleep. Woke up again a little later.. like 11:00.. first thought in my head was i wanted to go home. There was kissing.. and it was so timid and wrong and off.. and nothing that i wanted. I cringed. Decided to tell him the horrible truth. Told him that this wasnt working. That this couldnt happen. Said i had to leave. Go home. Now. He kept trying to get me to go and talk with him. But there was nothing i wanted to say. Nothing that could take this sinking feeling away but going home. Got in the car. Not a block away, i felt better. God im a bitch.
But here i am now.. its midnight.. i feel empty and aching. I know.. my fault. cant complain. I just miss the days when i had friends around me who, when i say im depressed.. and when they ask why.. and i say i dont know.. that they understand that.. that they understand sometimes.. you just are. That you cant control it.
And it makes me impulsive. the need to do things how i need them done.. at that moment. I almost offed myself today. Kept thinking about it.. well i guess almost is relative. I got damn close to doing it. Decided that holding my nose and a mouth full of bleach might do me some good.. talk some sense into me.
I fell asleep instead. As usual.
I miss comfort.. i miss it all making sense..
Christina comes this week. That will be nice.. to have a friend here.. who.. I dunno.. *sigh*.
I love jess..
but its jess.. and that leaves too much not said..
still leaves me empty sometimes..
I miss the mass gang..
god its so easy to forget what it took to get what you have.. until its gone.
Well not gone.. but changed.. both.. either.
ah.
I keep getting the shakes.. when i havent been smoking and im thrown into a mix of uncomfortable situations.
I really do feel like i cant take this anymore.
*sigh*
part of me is dying
and i dont know how to save it.
weird.
Woke up at 8:30. Felt like hell. Just kept thinking this sucks. he offered me a bowl. I smoked. Asked him to put on mellow music. After rummaging a moment, said he couldnt find anything. How is that possible? how is that FUCKING possible???? thats when i completely understood that this was not working. That i couldnt be with someone who i dunno.. *sigh*. It just made me want to go home.. like strongly. So strongly that every cell in my body ached to go home. But i fell back asleep. Woke up again a little later.. like 11:00.. first thought in my head was i wanted to go home. There was kissing.. and it was so timid and wrong and off.. and nothing that i wanted. I cringed. Decided to tell him the horrible truth. Told him that this wasnt working. That this couldnt happen. Said i had to leave. Go home. Now. He kept trying to get me to go and talk with him. But there was nothing i wanted to say. Nothing that could take this sinking feeling away but going home. Got in the car. Not a block away, i felt better. God im a bitch.
But here i am now.. its midnight.. i feel empty and aching. I know.. my fault. cant complain. I just miss the days when i had friends around me who, when i say im depressed.. and when they ask why.. and i say i dont know.. that they understand that.. that they understand sometimes.. you just are. That you cant control it.
And it makes me impulsive. the need to do things how i need them done.. at that moment. I almost offed myself today. Kept thinking about it.. well i guess almost is relative. I got damn close to doing it. Decided that holding my nose and a mouth full of bleach might do me some good.. talk some sense into me.
I fell asleep instead. As usual.
I miss comfort.. i miss it all making sense..
Christina comes this week. That will be nice.. to have a friend here.. who.. I dunno.. *sigh*.
I love jess..
but its jess.. and that leaves too much not said..
still leaves me empty sometimes..
I miss the mass gang..
god its so easy to forget what it took to get what you have.. until its gone.
Well not gone.. but changed.. both.. either.
ah.
I keep getting the shakes.. when i havent been smoking and im thrown into a mix of uncomfortable situations.
I really do feel like i cant take this anymore.
*sigh*
part of me is dying
and i dont know how to save it.