(no subject)
It's time to move along Lyn.. It's time.
I've got to really get my head on straight about how I'll be interacting in the kids lives, despite the things that Ash tells me... I need to understand and be comfortable in my new role, because I don't get to go back to my old role, despite Ash saying that I can. I need to stop being heartbroken when I see that Ash took the kids out somewhere with someone else, instead of with me, like he said he wanted to. i have to remember that we're not a family anymore.. Not the way we used to be.
It's frustrating how he keeps telling me I can be as much a part of their lives as I want to. But unless I'm missing something here it can't be. I don't live with them, so I can't be there for mornings, waking them up, helping get ready, walking them to school... He says I could spend the night, but I don't think that's a great idea. Especially not for the whole week the kids are there.
I could be there for a few bedtimes a week, which is nice, but still not the same, I don't have the contentment of knowing they're sleeping in the next room.. Because I don't live there, I don't get to enjoy the little things. I get to take them on outings, which is nice, but really not the same.. Ash doesn't seem to understand this.. Maybe he doesn't want to.
He kept saying that if I really wanted this it's easy, we could just get back together... But it's not easy, and we can't just get back together. A lot of trust was broken, and lost... trying to patch it together would most likely make it worse in the long run.. Relationships that end like ours did can work again after a break up, but it's usually a few years later, once both parties have grown and learned how to deal with the problems that caused the break up in the first place. It's only been about 6 months for Ash and I, and I don't believe either of us have changed enough to not fall back into old patterns. Of course the drawback to this is that we may change so much we don't want to be together anymore... But I suppose that better than being in a dysfunctional relationship. At least, that's all I can really hope for. Just pray I made the right decision.
I'm afraid of regret, and I'm afraid of losing Ash.. and I'm afraid of losing the kids... I don't want to.. but I'm not really in control of that.. am I?
I've got to really get my head on straight about how I'll be interacting in the kids lives, despite the things that Ash tells me... I need to understand and be comfortable in my new role, because I don't get to go back to my old role, despite Ash saying that I can. I need to stop being heartbroken when I see that Ash took the kids out somewhere with someone else, instead of with me, like he said he wanted to. i have to remember that we're not a family anymore.. Not the way we used to be.
It's frustrating how he keeps telling me I can be as much a part of their lives as I want to. But unless I'm missing something here it can't be. I don't live with them, so I can't be there for mornings, waking them up, helping get ready, walking them to school... He says I could spend the night, but I don't think that's a great idea. Especially not for the whole week the kids are there.
I could be there for a few bedtimes a week, which is nice, but still not the same, I don't have the contentment of knowing they're sleeping in the next room.. Because I don't live there, I don't get to enjoy the little things. I get to take them on outings, which is nice, but really not the same.. Ash doesn't seem to understand this.. Maybe he doesn't want to.
He kept saying that if I really wanted this it's easy, we could just get back together... But it's not easy, and we can't just get back together. A lot of trust was broken, and lost... trying to patch it together would most likely make it worse in the long run.. Relationships that end like ours did can work again after a break up, but it's usually a few years later, once both parties have grown and learned how to deal with the problems that caused the break up in the first place. It's only been about 6 months for Ash and I, and I don't believe either of us have changed enough to not fall back into old patterns. Of course the drawback to this is that we may change so much we don't want to be together anymore... But I suppose that better than being in a dysfunctional relationship. At least, that's all I can really hope for. Just pray I made the right decision.
I'm afraid of regret, and I'm afraid of losing Ash.. and I'm afraid of losing the kids... I don't want to.. but I'm not really in control of that.. am I?