Stealing a shovel, Ex-russian porno hotels, and other things you need to see and do in Portland
For a quick update, because I know that I do not post on this thing a lot, my sister is moving to Portland, Oregon to go to law school at the Lewis & Clark college. So, currently, I am here with my family in Portland looking around, seeing what the place is about. They have been here before, while this is my first time here in Portland itself. I have family in Seattle, which is about 3 hours from Portland, so we are visiting them currently. But I am not going to talk about that, nor the trip up here, which was surprisingly uneventful. But for other stuff that has been going on as well. First of all: The penis joke. My sister let us on the tidbit that the only three presidents that have come close to impeachment were these guys: Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton. They all also have names that are nicknames for 'penis': Johnson, Dick, and Willie. Now later on we mentioned another name that included Johnson, or Richard, or something, but I don't remember. For some reason, my mother said: "So is that another one of those penis guys?" I am sorry if I am a little old fashioned, but hearing my mother saying "another one of those penis guys" is just a little too weird. Especially when she says this again later. And again. I belive we have now come across about 5 of these so called penis men, and it is still weird to hear my mom talk about it. Next up, is that my mother is a dirty rotten cheater at competitive games. What the hell?!?! Shouldn't she be setting good examples for her children?!? But nooooo, she'll sneak cards into the card pile in Uno, or start moving balls around the pool table. I'm sure if we tried playing something else, like touch football or something, she would be the person to trip up others or aim for the groin and "mistakenly" hit some one in the place where the sun does not shine. But now we move onto the main topic.
For another quick update, it snowed in Portland. Not a little, like it usually does, but it actually ended up being the worst blizzard they have had in 40 years. Which, of course, we arrive in. Well, just the tail end of it, but still. Very scary with all the snow around and causing people to slip and slide throughout the streets. The first night (which was Christmas night) we stayed in the Hotel Monaco. A really nice hotel, and one of the few dog friendly ones in Portland. (another thing that needs pointing out. Dogs are everywhere here) It even had a nice striped couch that my sister sat on for a little bit while we waited to check into the hotel (this comes into play later). When we get to our floor, weird shit started to happen. There were some dogs in one room that were barking loud enough to be a couple of bears instead, and whenever we entered the room creepy paintings were starting at us from every corner. Opening the closet, we discovered a set of tiger skin and zebra skin robes. What the hell? Who puts robes like that into a hotel closet? After my sister found an "intimacy kit" (complete with 2 condoms and some lube) for sale in the basket that held all the regular crap like wine and candy bars, it suddenly struck me: We had somehow entered the twilight zone of bad pornos. That weird place where, no matter how hard you try not to, you can imagine Ron Jeremy delivering a pizza to a very lonely lady. After trying on one of the robes (I had to. I mean, am I the kind of person to miss an opportunity like that to? No way!) we left the hotel to get a bite to eat. Which leads to the next weird thing: The couch was gone! Not moved, not turned around, but gone! !?!?!?!!? Maybe it was used for a quick porno scene? It was back again in the morning, rounding out more of the weird shit going on. I did not sit on it, just in case.
After leaving, we headed to the bed and breakfast we are staying at for the remainder of our trip. When we parked in front of the place, we got stuck in some of the leftover snow. Luckily, there was a shovel on the front porch of the B&B, but no one was home to help us out. So we all decided to go get some more food. Which involved getting us unstuck again. It wasnt that hard, but after we were done I waited outside of the mom-van we had rented to make sure we would make it. After Curtis (my step-dad) pulled out of the spot into the busy street in front of the B&B, my parents were both like: "Quick Edward! Get in!" With me still holding the shovel. "What do I do with this?" I asked, quite naturally I thought. "Just bring it with you. We might get stuck again." Now, while normally I am not what you would call a law abiding citizen, most of my crimes happen in the cyberspace realm, and so not right here in front of everyone. It seemed wrong to me, for some reason, to take this shovel. So, after a few more arguing, I went ahead and climbed into the front seat, still holding the shovel.
So, if you can, imagine our van being on the evening news being chased by the entire oregon police force down a highway. Suddenly, the chopper cam zooms onto the van, and you can just make out me, in the front, frantically holding onto the shovel. This scenario sped through my mind a couple of times, which of course did not happen. We made it back without incident, except for my mother making a few more comments about those penis men of course.
For another quick update, it snowed in Portland. Not a little, like it usually does, but it actually ended up being the worst blizzard they have had in 40 years. Which, of course, we arrive in. Well, just the tail end of it, but still. Very scary with all the snow around and causing people to slip and slide throughout the streets. The first night (which was Christmas night) we stayed in the Hotel Monaco. A really nice hotel, and one of the few dog friendly ones in Portland. (another thing that needs pointing out. Dogs are everywhere here) It even had a nice striped couch that my sister sat on for a little bit while we waited to check into the hotel (this comes into play later). When we get to our floor, weird shit started to happen. There were some dogs in one room that were barking loud enough to be a couple of bears instead, and whenever we entered the room creepy paintings were starting at us from every corner. Opening the closet, we discovered a set of tiger skin and zebra skin robes. What the hell? Who puts robes like that into a hotel closet? After my sister found an "intimacy kit" (complete with 2 condoms and some lube) for sale in the basket that held all the regular crap like wine and candy bars, it suddenly struck me: We had somehow entered the twilight zone of bad pornos. That weird place where, no matter how hard you try not to, you can imagine Ron Jeremy delivering a pizza to a very lonely lady. After trying on one of the robes (I had to. I mean, am I the kind of person to miss an opportunity like that to? No way!) we left the hotel to get a bite to eat. Which leads to the next weird thing: The couch was gone! Not moved, not turned around, but gone! !?!?!?!!? Maybe it was used for a quick porno scene? It was back again in the morning, rounding out more of the weird shit going on. I did not sit on it, just in case.
After leaving, we headed to the bed and breakfast we are staying at for the remainder of our trip. When we parked in front of the place, we got stuck in some of the leftover snow. Luckily, there was a shovel on the front porch of the B&B, but no one was home to help us out. So we all decided to go get some more food. Which involved getting us unstuck again. It wasnt that hard, but after we were done I waited outside of the mom-van we had rented to make sure we would make it. After Curtis (my step-dad) pulled out of the spot into the busy street in front of the B&B, my parents were both like: "Quick Edward! Get in!" With me still holding the shovel. "What do I do with this?" I asked, quite naturally I thought. "Just bring it with you. We might get stuck again." Now, while normally I am not what you would call a law abiding citizen, most of my crimes happen in the cyberspace realm, and so not right here in front of everyone. It seemed wrong to me, for some reason, to take this shovel. So, after a few more arguing, I went ahead and climbed into the front seat, still holding the shovel.
So, if you can, imagine our van being on the evening news being chased by the entire oregon police force down a highway. Suddenly, the chopper cam zooms onto the van, and you can just make out me, in the front, frantically holding onto the shovel. This scenario sped through my mind a couple of times, which of course did not happen. We made it back without incident, except for my mother making a few more comments about those penis men of course.