XXX-posted
Golden Week: April 29th through May 6th. An astrological event in which planets align, stars converge, and 4 national holidays all fall within a few days’ time. Overall, a good thing, for not only does G.W. allow over-stressed and under-sexed office workers (like myself) a chance to chill, it was the closest thing I got to a “spring break.” The catch, though, is when you’re single and barely legal (also, like myself), Golden Week *can* be a temptatious time for moral truancy. But, rather than just schlep ‘round town and “save money” (i.e. whittle my poor pecker to a stub in two weeks flat), I chose to travel the world! Except, rather than “travel the world” (i.e. die of ass-blow in some godforsaken malarial jungle), I dropped 800 bucks and crashed with ma, pa, n' depauw!! There was MANY a reason for my decision to go on an American sabbatical - not the least of which was that I MISSED MY MATES! But, more precisely, I missed my university and all my gay grrlfriends, my homo homies, my flaming fidus Achates’!!
Now, calm down Allies! I don’t mean to ruffle feathers…. I adore all of my straight-but-not-narrow Tajima JET-setters! Nevertheless folks, it’s hard being the token!! You feel?!
And as for the J-land queer crew (spread out from here to eternity) it’s always a cold day in hell when we finally get together. Boo! Can you blame me for exploring strange new gay sites, for seeking out new gays and new gay civilizations?!
I boldly went…. but was badly disappointed:
For example, a few months ago, I stumbled across a livejournal community called, ahem, whateverfaggot . Eye-catching name, innocently voyeuristic premise, and hot featured icons! Advice-seeking souls write in with questions, and a whole gaggle of gays tell ya like it is. It seemed to be very active and dynamic with a strong flow of opinions. More importantly, this community was NOT one those ego-stroking “cutieboi” twink fests, or an ultra work-unsafe “shoveyourcockinmeandtakeapic” swapping society. Yawn-a-roo!
So, I laid low for awhile before deciding to pounce with an intro/inquiry. The only problem was there was no problem. I mean, I didn’t aaaaactually have anything I needed advice on…. so I told a lil’ white lie and created a fictional scenario involving a fictional boy. BUT BEFORE YOUR WRITE ME OFF, the scenario was based on several experiences I and MANY of my friends have had in real life. I believe a lot of people can relate, and I also believe the way I framed the question left open the possibilities for humorous discussion. Either way, I personally feel the piece is a golden nugget of fun! Enjoy!
Dear Whateverfaggot,
Some time ago, the perfect man walked into my life - eyes as deep as an endless ocean, a bright smile that melted all sorrows away. He was tall with dark, wavy hair and almond skin that radiated pure exquisiteness. His gorgeously slender body bristled with virility. His hands: strong, yet delicate and caring. Rock hard abs and an ass like ripe, succulent fruit. He was a man made of dreams….. and of course, I HATED him instantly.
From here on out, for the sake of anonymity, let us change his name to…. oh, how about….. Fuckface? (No, too low-brow) Slutbag? (Heck, I’ve been accused of worse) Satan? (Pfft, Neo-Republicans already called dibs) Anne Coulter? (Ouch, now that’s just mean) Oh ooh ooh, I know! Hitler! Yes that has a lovely ring, doesn’t it?
So then, “Why these feelings of hostility?” you inquire. “How could ANYONE hate a nice boy like Hitler?” you ponder. Well, perhaps “hate” is a bit strong. But let’s just say if he had gained 400 lbs, contracted psoriasis of the eyes, grew a goiter the size of a basketball, lived the rest of his lonely days as a second-rate fluffer in the Ecuadorian sheisse film industry, and eventually succumbed to a virulent species of flesh-eating gonorrhea, I’d probably dance a jolly jig upon his freshly dug grave. In all honesty, my bitterness stems from 1) his incredible ability to be the most egotistical and thick-headed jerk on the planet and 2) my subconscious, lusty desire for him to be inside me ALL day long.
It is the latter reason that has rendered me impotent, incapable of wielding my signature sarcastic wit and back-handed cracks. He blabs on and on, puking stupidity on all so unfortunate to be in the way. Yet, I am tongue-tied like a 14 year old plaid-clad school girl wanting to make kissy with the football team captain. Recently, for example, Hitler was driveling as usual about how hot he is, why America is #1, that time he killed 6 million Jews, and whatnot. He then started to poke fun at my fashion sense and not-so-muscle-stud physique. With utter grace, I replied with…. get this….
“ Please. You don’t know me.”
………..hmmmm………
“You don’t KNOW me”?!
Who even says that anymore?!?! Jeez, 1993 is on the phone and wants its crap-tacular white-trash motto back!! I hang my head in shame, people.
So, Whateverfaggot, help me. Impart your wisdom. Teach your lessons. Pain is the name of this game, and the ref’s on a smoke break. I want witty wisecracks and dastardly digs. I crave sharp-tongued slights and bitchy queen comebacks. Randy retorts, invective insults, jabbing jibes, poking puns, cutting quips….. Oh, and for the record, don’t channel JT and ask, “Where is the love?” Don’t give me that nonsense about “The best revenge is to live well.” And above all, DO NOT offer any advice which requires a Z-snap! I ain’t THAT desperate….. But mark my words, Hitler will RUE the day he crossed my path!
I await your guidance, and pray the next time I see this guy, I don’t inadvertently come out with a “Yo Mamma” joke or kootie-related nursery rhyme.
(Although particularly gruesome gags having to do with either mammas or kooties are always appreciated)
Toodles!
Yours truly,
Drawma Boy
But the kicker comes later with the COMMENTS. See:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/whateverfaggot/83287.html#cutid1
It’s all cool now, but at first, I was fairly taken aback by: 1) The amount of people that completely ignored my question and 2) the equal amount of people that went straight for my soft spots in ferocious attack-mode! My personal favorite moments are when one dude calls me a “pretentious knob jockey,” and another tells me to check into a mental hospital! Mreow!
Now, you see why I was feeling a bit dejected up until Golden Week, and more than a bit homesick for old times. It just goes to show that witty banter, healthy sparring, and good ol' fashioned fun among gay people is a thing of the past. Everyone’s a queen, screaming “Off with their heads!”
So, to my dear friends, at home, here, and elsewhere: keep keepin' it real!
And my call for quips still stands. Post with your best!!
Now, calm down Allies! I don’t mean to ruffle feathers…. I adore all of my straight-but-not-narrow Tajima JET-setters! Nevertheless folks, it’s hard being the token!! You feel?!
And as for the J-land queer crew (spread out from here to eternity) it’s always a cold day in hell when we finally get together. Boo! Can you blame me for exploring strange new gay sites, for seeking out new gays and new gay civilizations?!
I boldly went…. but was badly disappointed:
For example, a few months ago, I stumbled across a livejournal community called, ahem, whateverfaggot . Eye-catching name, innocently voyeuristic premise, and hot featured icons! Advice-seeking souls write in with questions, and a whole gaggle of gays tell ya like it is. It seemed to be very active and dynamic with a strong flow of opinions. More importantly, this community was NOT one those ego-stroking “cutieboi” twink fests, or an ultra work-unsafe “shoveyourcockinmeandtakeapic” swapping society. Yawn-a-roo!
So, I laid low for awhile before deciding to pounce with an intro/inquiry. The only problem was there was no problem. I mean, I didn’t aaaaactually have anything I needed advice on…. so I told a lil’ white lie and created a fictional scenario involving a fictional boy. BUT BEFORE YOUR WRITE ME OFF, the scenario was based on several experiences I and MANY of my friends have had in real life. I believe a lot of people can relate, and I also believe the way I framed the question left open the possibilities for humorous discussion. Either way, I personally feel the piece is a golden nugget of fun! Enjoy!
Dear Whateverfaggot,
Some time ago, the perfect man walked into my life - eyes as deep as an endless ocean, a bright smile that melted all sorrows away. He was tall with dark, wavy hair and almond skin that radiated pure exquisiteness. His gorgeously slender body bristled with virility. His hands: strong, yet delicate and caring. Rock hard abs and an ass like ripe, succulent fruit. He was a man made of dreams….. and of course, I HATED him instantly.
From here on out, for the sake of anonymity, let us change his name to…. oh, how about….. Fuckface? (No, too low-brow) Slutbag? (Heck, I’ve been accused of worse) Satan? (Pfft, Neo-Republicans already called dibs) Anne Coulter? (Ouch, now that’s just mean) Oh ooh ooh, I know! Hitler! Yes that has a lovely ring, doesn’t it?
So then, “Why these feelings of hostility?” you inquire. “How could ANYONE hate a nice boy like Hitler?” you ponder. Well, perhaps “hate” is a bit strong. But let’s just say if he had gained 400 lbs, contracted psoriasis of the eyes, grew a goiter the size of a basketball, lived the rest of his lonely days as a second-rate fluffer in the Ecuadorian sheisse film industry, and eventually succumbed to a virulent species of flesh-eating gonorrhea, I’d probably dance a jolly jig upon his freshly dug grave. In all honesty, my bitterness stems from 1) his incredible ability to be the most egotistical and thick-headed jerk on the planet and 2) my subconscious, lusty desire for him to be inside me ALL day long.
It is the latter reason that has rendered me impotent, incapable of wielding my signature sarcastic wit and back-handed cracks. He blabs on and on, puking stupidity on all so unfortunate to be in the way. Yet, I am tongue-tied like a 14 year old plaid-clad school girl wanting to make kissy with the football team captain. Recently, for example, Hitler was driveling as usual about how hot he is, why America is #1, that time he killed 6 million Jews, and whatnot. He then started to poke fun at my fashion sense and not-so-muscle-stud physique. With utter grace, I replied with…. get this….
“ Please. You don’t know me.”
………..hmmmm………
“You don’t KNOW me”?!
Who even says that anymore?!?! Jeez, 1993 is on the phone and wants its crap-tacular white-trash motto back!! I hang my head in shame, people.
So, Whateverfaggot, help me. Impart your wisdom. Teach your lessons. Pain is the name of this game, and the ref’s on a smoke break. I want witty wisecracks and dastardly digs. I crave sharp-tongued slights and bitchy queen comebacks. Randy retorts, invective insults, jabbing jibes, poking puns, cutting quips….. Oh, and for the record, don’t channel JT and ask, “Where is the love?” Don’t give me that nonsense about “The best revenge is to live well.” And above all, DO NOT offer any advice which requires a Z-snap! I ain’t THAT desperate….. But mark my words, Hitler will RUE the day he crossed my path!
I await your guidance, and pray the next time I see this guy, I don’t inadvertently come out with a “Yo Mamma” joke or kootie-related nursery rhyme.
(Although particularly gruesome gags having to do with either mammas or kooties are always appreciated)
Toodles!
Yours truly,
Drawma Boy
But the kicker comes later with the COMMENTS. See:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/whateverfaggot/83287.html#cutid1
It’s all cool now, but at first, I was fairly taken aback by: 1) The amount of people that completely ignored my question and 2) the equal amount of people that went straight for my soft spots in ferocious attack-mode! My personal favorite moments are when one dude calls me a “pretentious knob jockey,” and another tells me to check into a mental hospital! Mreow!
Now, you see why I was feeling a bit dejected up until Golden Week, and more than a bit homesick for old times. It just goes to show that witty banter, healthy sparring, and good ol' fashioned fun among gay people is a thing of the past. Everyone’s a queen, screaming “Off with their heads!”
So, to my dear friends, at home, here, and elsewhere: keep keepin' it real!
And my call for quips still stands. Post with your best!!