(no subject)
As always, it's been a while. I have strep yet again. This year has been horrible for me health-wise and I'm going to keep getting sick until my tonsils are out, which means my medical bills are going to continue to climb. Collections agencies are all over my ass now and I have no way to pay them. I can't work when I get sick like this, which means I can't earn money to pay the bills off. I just need to get my tonsils out, despite the fact it's going to cost a lot more. Once that's out of the way I won't have to worry about constantly going in and getting further into debt.
Today was a shitty day for me. Joe broke up with me, for reasons completely unclear. We were together almost 9 months. He said a week from now he'll start missing me and want to get back together, but I don't know if it's going to happen. He said he's really confused about stuff right now, because of how much we've been arguing. The fact is, he's running from things because he doesn't know how else to deal with things. I started bawling on the phone with him because I feel like such a fucking idiot. I told him that I knew, from the beginning, that this was going to happen and that's why I had so much trouble trusting him in the first place. I got stupid and comfortable, I opened up to him against my better judgement, and this happened, like it always fucking does. I told him I never should have bothered with people again, because I always end up getting hurt. What sucks the most about this is that he's the one who wanted me so badly, he's the one who said I love you first, and even throughout all of that I didn't listen to myself.
I deserve this. I really do. After everything I've done, how I've handled certain situations... life is just serving me what I chose. I didn't choose this outright... but it's how I knew things would turn out and I didn't prevent it.
I've had bizarre situations with love for being so young. No one even knows about some things. But if this is how it's going to go my entire life I just need to stay away from guys for a while. I need to know I can do things on my own, even though I hate thinking I'm alone. The fact is, everyone is alone ultimately. I need to face that reality and get through life knowing I can rely on myself and no one else, if I have to.
Today was a shitty day for me. Joe broke up with me, for reasons completely unclear. We were together almost 9 months. He said a week from now he'll start missing me and want to get back together, but I don't know if it's going to happen. He said he's really confused about stuff right now, because of how much we've been arguing. The fact is, he's running from things because he doesn't know how else to deal with things. I started bawling on the phone with him because I feel like such a fucking idiot. I told him that I knew, from the beginning, that this was going to happen and that's why I had so much trouble trusting him in the first place. I got stupid and comfortable, I opened up to him against my better judgement, and this happened, like it always fucking does. I told him I never should have bothered with people again, because I always end up getting hurt. What sucks the most about this is that he's the one who wanted me so badly, he's the one who said I love you first, and even throughout all of that I didn't listen to myself.
I deserve this. I really do. After everything I've done, how I've handled certain situations... life is just serving me what I chose. I didn't choose this outright... but it's how I knew things would turn out and I didn't prevent it.
I've had bizarre situations with love for being so young. No one even knows about some things. But if this is how it's going to go my entire life I just need to stay away from guys for a while. I need to know I can do things on my own, even though I hate thinking I'm alone. The fact is, everyone is alone ultimately. I need to face that reality and get through life knowing I can rely on myself and no one else, if I have to.