How Long....
So essentially here are the emotions that I have ridden this week alone:
Anxiety. Anger. Sadness. Jealousy. Self-loathing. and of course...Worthlessness.
Too much damn emotion. I am not going into extreme detail over why I ran the emotional rollercoaster like that because that would just take too damn long and its issues I have to deal with but shit....sometimes I would give anything to just be NUMB. To not feel anything. Emotional Novacaine. Thats what I need. No more nightmares of falling or being kidnapped. (no joke)
No more feeling so miserable that if I saw a genie I would wish to be hit by a car. I am struggling to work through my demons. But they are many. And they are strong. And they go by the names: Abandonment. Rejection. Fear. Distrust. Shame.
And those are just the ones off the top of my head.
And they tell me that Im not worth the love I get. I am too used to being yelled at. Or brushed off. My friends dont really take me seriously. I get tuned out.
I am sad a lot because of the horrible time of my family's divorce which hurts more than I can explain. I am trying to get through it but people lose patience with me. I get angry and hurt and I am like an animal caught in a trap. Im not used to kindness so I snap. I am not used to being loved for everything including the irrational side of me. Im used to being loved conditionally. Not unconditionally. I dont trust it. I keep thinking there is something I can do and he will not love me anymore. I try very hard not to test him. But I seem to do so unconciously. But the truth is, everyone who has purported to love me, HAS left me. On some level. My mother. My father. My grandparents. Tab. Etc.
I think to myself what is wrong with me? What is wrong that I get left so much? Maybe always physically but emotionally. And then I think something must be horribly wrong. Then why is HE with me? I mean if I was worth so much love why do I get left? And sooner or later wont he see it? Wont he see Im not worth the aggravation?
Everyone else does.
I tell myself Im a phoenix.
but I feel like I barely spark.
I have the most beautiful thing in the world.
How long before he sees the thing thats wrong with me? The thing everyone else apparently sees?
Anxiety. Anger. Sadness. Jealousy. Self-loathing. and of course...Worthlessness.
Too much damn emotion. I am not going into extreme detail over why I ran the emotional rollercoaster like that because that would just take too damn long and its issues I have to deal with but shit....sometimes I would give anything to just be NUMB. To not feel anything. Emotional Novacaine. Thats what I need. No more nightmares of falling or being kidnapped. (no joke)
No more feeling so miserable that if I saw a genie I would wish to be hit by a car. I am struggling to work through my demons. But they are many. And they are strong. And they go by the names: Abandonment. Rejection. Fear. Distrust. Shame.
And those are just the ones off the top of my head.
And they tell me that Im not worth the love I get. I am too used to being yelled at. Or brushed off. My friends dont really take me seriously. I get tuned out.
I am sad a lot because of the horrible time of my family's divorce which hurts more than I can explain. I am trying to get through it but people lose patience with me. I get angry and hurt and I am like an animal caught in a trap. Im not used to kindness so I snap. I am not used to being loved for everything including the irrational side of me. Im used to being loved conditionally. Not unconditionally. I dont trust it. I keep thinking there is something I can do and he will not love me anymore. I try very hard not to test him. But I seem to do so unconciously. But the truth is, everyone who has purported to love me, HAS left me. On some level. My mother. My father. My grandparents. Tab. Etc.
I think to myself what is wrong with me? What is wrong that I get left so much? Maybe always physically but emotionally. And then I think something must be horribly wrong. Then why is HE with me? I mean if I was worth so much love why do I get left? And sooner or later wont he see it? Wont he see Im not worth the aggravation?
Everyone else does.
I tell myself Im a phoenix.
but I feel like I barely spark.
I have the most beautiful thing in the world.
How long before he sees the thing thats wrong with me? The thing everyone else apparently sees?