Last but one...
This is the last but one part of my story! Could be a little moving...
Title: The Inner Voice Is Always Right (7/8)
Author: draquita79
Disclaimer: This is a fiction, I’m lying!
Fandom: F1/tennis
Characters: Kimi Räikkönen/Rafael Nadal
Rating: PG-15
Author's Notes: I have to warn you, the beginning of the fic is set in november 2002 when Rafa’s sixteen. Don’t judge me, I’m just a little pervert…
APRIL 2005, MONTE CARLO
RAFAEL
Why does it have to take so long?
It’s always like this. At every tournament. But I don’t want it to be like this today. I’ve just won my first Masters Series title and I want to get my trophy.
I’d love to run around the court, yelling, jumping and instead I have to sit here, waiting, watching all the preparation for the ceremony and then listening to the boring God-knows-who’s speeches.
I’m dubbing my fingers on my thighs, looking around as there is nothing else to do. I see Toni talking to Carlos, my manager. At least they have something to do, not like me.
I hate waiting.
How long do I still have to wait?
Can you imagine how much time I just waste waiting for something?
I try to distract myself by watching people in the audience. Some of them seem to be as bored as I am…
But now…
I stop frozen… This can’t be possible!
Kimi?! Is it you, love?
I slowly return my gaze, taking one by one people in the line of seats where I thought I saw Kimi. I can’t see him anywhere…
Am I going crazy or what?!
I was almost sure I saw his light blue eyes, those icy eyes that can be so warm and flaming…
Well, I can’t mistake them, can I?
It’s been so long, almost two and a half years but I still feel the same for my angel. I can’t simply stop loving him. Even if I tried.
And how I tried at some point!
I went through stages of hating him, loving him, hating him again, missing him… Now I’m quite stable in my feelings.
I love him and always will.
Though I know it doesn’t lead anywhere. He has that wife of his, very pretty, and certainly he loves her. Why would he marry her anyway?
When I found out and even saw the pictures in magazines… I couldn’t be angry at him even if I was broken and crying. They looked beautiful and happy.
It’s all I want for him, isn’t it?
It could be me who would make him happy.
I’m still sure we could make it work.
I smile sadly.
It was his decision to leave and now I know I can’t blame him for it. I was a little boy back then.
But he could tell me, we could talk about why he thinks we’re not meant to be together. This is what he wrote in his letter. I still have it, always with me.
The uncertainty why he left was terrible and maddening. Even now it’s sometimes hard when I think of him.
Was I too young for him?
I was but I never demanded anything like a stable relationship from him. It would be impossible to be always together. I knew this even then. For me it would be enough to know that he’s there for me…
Or was I too ordinary or something?
He was a Formula 1 driver and I was just a boy who wanted to be a tennis player…
Wasn’t I good enough for him?
I wouldn’t tell anyone ever but because of Kimi I started working hard, training… I always wanted to be the best but after… that… my will to achieve something unforgettable increased so much more!
And now when I won few tournaments and they talk about me maybe he would be proud of me.
Maybe when he watches the news on TV in the evening he could see me and say ‘I met this boy… He’s really good now…’ If he ever remembers me.
Do you think of me sometimes, enkeli?
I do, I think of you…
Are you proud of me? A little at least?
I’m proud of him. I watch his career carefully.
They call him the Iceman.
He can look like an iceman but they don’t know him. I do. I know he can be the most caring, nicest, kindest man. He knows how to care for people. He knows how to make them feel special… He was like this with me.
And therefore I didn’t believe, not for a single second, that he left because I meant nothing to him. I know he felt something for me. He liked me in certain way. I know he liked being around me. I know he liked… making love to me…
He had to have his reason for leaving, hadn’t he?
I’m meeting a lot of people these days. They are trying to catch my attention but I haven’t become closer with anyone.
Feli always tries to persuade me to come with him when he goes for his “hunts” but I don’t feel like going.
Carlos understands me. He knows.
I told him everything about Kimi.
He says I may be one of those people who can love only one person in their life. But it won’t prevent me from finding someone later who I will spend my life with.
He can be right.
But now I don’t want to find anyone. I even don’t know who I should find.
A boy? Or a girl?
I compare everyone with Kimi. I know I shouldn’t do it, that’s a mistake but I can’t help myself.
I don’t see myself with a girl. But I either don’t see myself with a boy. Well, rather a boy than a girl.
But no one has ever made me feel the way Kimi did. What I felt for him is so much precious and special. I just loved him.
And I still do.
I can’t just be looking for anyone when I’m in love with my enkeli…
I hear my name and it stops me from further thoughts.
In a while when I finally receive my trophy I think to myself ‘This is for you, Kimi’ as I always do in such occasions and then I add with a smile ‘You made me the man I’m now, enkeli. And I’m so thankful to you…’
JUNE 2005, PARIS
KIMI
Rafael’s crying.
And I’m crying with him.
Of course, he doesn’t know we’re crying together. He doesn’t know I’m here. Maybe he even forgot me…
But anyway, Rafa has just won the French Open. Can you imagine it?
He’s only 18… no, wait, 19, and he’s already so good.
This is his first Grand Slam title. And I’m sure it’s not his last one. There’s so much in front of him!
I’m so happy and proud of my aurinko…
I watch his career carefully. Sure, I do.
How couldn’t I?
He’s my lovely boy. My baby. I’ve never forgotten him. He’s the love…
First time I’ve seen him after… after our encounter I was crying too. And it was also in Mexico, in Acapulco. I couldn’t resist and had to see him play the final when I was there. And he won…
And he was even more beautiful than I’d remembered him.
Then I saw him in papers or on the net.
When I saw him after so long it’s been just… I don’t have enough words to describe what I felt. My eyes were fixed on him only, on his every move, every gesture, everything.
And the love I had felt for him all these months and years without him was even bigger, greater.
It’s incredible.
I’ve never stopped loving him.
It’s ridiculous.
I mean, he was lovely and sweet back then but now he’s, besides lovely and sweet, utterly gorgeous, hot, sexy…
So hot it burns only to think of him.
And although it hurts to admit it I know I did good thing when I left. He was a child. Well, he still is at some point and I think he’ll always be.
But again, what would he need a small, skinny guy like me for when he himself looks like an ancient Greek hero?
But even though I know there’s no chance for Rafael and me I can’t let him leave my mind. My dreams…
My days and nights.
Sometimes I even imagine him when ma… having sex with Jenni. I don’t make love to my wife. My lovely boy was the only one I’ve ever made love to.
He’s too special for me.
And therefore I’m among the audience of every Rafael’s final he plays when I don’t have the race. This way I can be closer to him, watch him…
Maybe this way I feel like he’s a part of my life and that I’m still a part of his too…
He’s almost obsession to me. I mean what the hell I’m doing? Lusting after a boy who maybe doesn’t remember me anymore… I should move on, shouldn’t I?
>>Even if you loved him? Even if you still do? Even if you made love to him? Even if you’ve been his first lover? Even if you know marrying Jenni was the biggest mistake in your life? Even if she cheats on you? Even if you cheat on her?<<
Stop it! I know you’re right…
My inner voice.
My so called PR gay manager.
We’ve become good friends.
During those nights without sleep, just me alone with a bottle of vodka and the memories of Rafi. We talked a lot…
I think I’m getting insane. Definitely!
But again, I don’t mind because it’s Rafa who’s making me crazy. I need him in my life. At least like this.
Of course, I tried to free of him.
Not to think of him.
Not to love him.
Not to come to the next final. I promised myself not to come. But… the next tournament, the next final and I was there again…
And now he’s crying into his towel after his Roland Garros win. In this moment he’s on the top of the world.
I know how he must be feeling.
After I won my first Grand Prix I didn’t cry. Of course, I was incredibly happy but I enjoyed the win inside of me, not showing my emotions too much. It’s the way that I got used to, that I learnt.
But now I’m crying. I’m too much happy.
I try to brush away the tears as I don’t want to look suspiciously. I don’t think anybody can recognize me because I wear a cap and dark glasses but hey, that would be a picture for paparazzis! The Iceman melting into tears…
I grin.
I find it funny.
They call me the Iceman, saying that I have no feelings, no heart.
If they knew!
I used to have emotions, I used to show them.
And the heart. I used to have it.
But two and a half years ago I gave it to this lovely boy and he owns it ever since…
The voice announcing Rafael’s name interrupts my thoughts and I watch my baby getting his cup.
I’m content. How wouldn’t I be? He’s the love of my life.
Title: The Inner Voice Is Always Right (7/8)
Author: draquita79
Disclaimer: This is a fiction, I’m lying!
Fandom: F1/tennis
Characters: Kimi Räikkönen/Rafael Nadal
Rating: PG-15
Author's Notes: I have to warn you, the beginning of the fic is set in november 2002 when Rafa’s sixteen. Don’t judge me, I’m just a little pervert…
APRIL 2005, MONTE CARLO
RAFAEL
Why does it have to take so long?
It’s always like this. At every tournament. But I don’t want it to be like this today. I’ve just won my first Masters Series title and I want to get my trophy.
I’d love to run around the court, yelling, jumping and instead I have to sit here, waiting, watching all the preparation for the ceremony and then listening to the boring God-knows-who’s speeches.
I’m dubbing my fingers on my thighs, looking around as there is nothing else to do. I see Toni talking to Carlos, my manager. At least they have something to do, not like me.
I hate waiting.
How long do I still have to wait?
Can you imagine how much time I just waste waiting for something?
I try to distract myself by watching people in the audience. Some of them seem to be as bored as I am…
But now…
I stop frozen… This can’t be possible!
Kimi?! Is it you, love?
I slowly return my gaze, taking one by one people in the line of seats where I thought I saw Kimi. I can’t see him anywhere…
Am I going crazy or what?!
I was almost sure I saw his light blue eyes, those icy eyes that can be so warm and flaming…
Well, I can’t mistake them, can I?
It’s been so long, almost two and a half years but I still feel the same for my angel. I can’t simply stop loving him. Even if I tried.
And how I tried at some point!
I went through stages of hating him, loving him, hating him again, missing him… Now I’m quite stable in my feelings.
I love him and always will.
Though I know it doesn’t lead anywhere. He has that wife of his, very pretty, and certainly he loves her. Why would he marry her anyway?
When I found out and even saw the pictures in magazines… I couldn’t be angry at him even if I was broken and crying. They looked beautiful and happy.
It’s all I want for him, isn’t it?
It could be me who would make him happy.
I’m still sure we could make it work.
I smile sadly.
It was his decision to leave and now I know I can’t blame him for it. I was a little boy back then.
But he could tell me, we could talk about why he thinks we’re not meant to be together. This is what he wrote in his letter. I still have it, always with me.
The uncertainty why he left was terrible and maddening. Even now it’s sometimes hard when I think of him.
Was I too young for him?
I was but I never demanded anything like a stable relationship from him. It would be impossible to be always together. I knew this even then. For me it would be enough to know that he’s there for me…
Or was I too ordinary or something?
He was a Formula 1 driver and I was just a boy who wanted to be a tennis player…
Wasn’t I good enough for him?
I wouldn’t tell anyone ever but because of Kimi I started working hard, training… I always wanted to be the best but after… that… my will to achieve something unforgettable increased so much more!
And now when I won few tournaments and they talk about me maybe he would be proud of me.
Maybe when he watches the news on TV in the evening he could see me and say ‘I met this boy… He’s really good now…’ If he ever remembers me.
Do you think of me sometimes, enkeli?
I do, I think of you…
Are you proud of me? A little at least?
I’m proud of him. I watch his career carefully.
They call him the Iceman.
He can look like an iceman but they don’t know him. I do. I know he can be the most caring, nicest, kindest man. He knows how to care for people. He knows how to make them feel special… He was like this with me.
And therefore I didn’t believe, not for a single second, that he left because I meant nothing to him. I know he felt something for me. He liked me in certain way. I know he liked being around me. I know he liked… making love to me…
He had to have his reason for leaving, hadn’t he?
I’m meeting a lot of people these days. They are trying to catch my attention but I haven’t become closer with anyone.
Feli always tries to persuade me to come with him when he goes for his “hunts” but I don’t feel like going.
Carlos understands me. He knows.
I told him everything about Kimi.
He says I may be one of those people who can love only one person in their life. But it won’t prevent me from finding someone later who I will spend my life with.
He can be right.
But now I don’t want to find anyone. I even don’t know who I should find.
A boy? Or a girl?
I compare everyone with Kimi. I know I shouldn’t do it, that’s a mistake but I can’t help myself.
I don’t see myself with a girl. But I either don’t see myself with a boy. Well, rather a boy than a girl.
But no one has ever made me feel the way Kimi did. What I felt for him is so much precious and special. I just loved him.
And I still do.
I can’t just be looking for anyone when I’m in love with my enkeli…
I hear my name and it stops me from further thoughts.
In a while when I finally receive my trophy I think to myself ‘This is for you, Kimi’ as I always do in such occasions and then I add with a smile ‘You made me the man I’m now, enkeli. And I’m so thankful to you…’
JUNE 2005, PARIS
KIMI
Rafael’s crying.
And I’m crying with him.
Of course, he doesn’t know we’re crying together. He doesn’t know I’m here. Maybe he even forgot me…
But anyway, Rafa has just won the French Open. Can you imagine it?
He’s only 18… no, wait, 19, and he’s already so good.
This is his first Grand Slam title. And I’m sure it’s not his last one. There’s so much in front of him!
I’m so happy and proud of my aurinko…
I watch his career carefully. Sure, I do.
How couldn’t I?
He’s my lovely boy. My baby. I’ve never forgotten him. He’s the love…
First time I’ve seen him after… after our encounter I was crying too. And it was also in Mexico, in Acapulco. I couldn’t resist and had to see him play the final when I was there. And he won…
And he was even more beautiful than I’d remembered him.
Then I saw him in papers or on the net.
When I saw him after so long it’s been just… I don’t have enough words to describe what I felt. My eyes were fixed on him only, on his every move, every gesture, everything.
And the love I had felt for him all these months and years without him was even bigger, greater.
It’s incredible.
I’ve never stopped loving him.
It’s ridiculous.
I mean, he was lovely and sweet back then but now he’s, besides lovely and sweet, utterly gorgeous, hot, sexy…
So hot it burns only to think of him.
And although it hurts to admit it I know I did good thing when I left. He was a child. Well, he still is at some point and I think he’ll always be.
But again, what would he need a small, skinny guy like me for when he himself looks like an ancient Greek hero?
But even though I know there’s no chance for Rafael and me I can’t let him leave my mind. My dreams…
My days and nights.
Sometimes I even imagine him when ma… having sex with Jenni. I don’t make love to my wife. My lovely boy was the only one I’ve ever made love to.
He’s too special for me.
And therefore I’m among the audience of every Rafael’s final he plays when I don’t have the race. This way I can be closer to him, watch him…
Maybe this way I feel like he’s a part of my life and that I’m still a part of his too…
He’s almost obsession to me. I mean what the hell I’m doing? Lusting after a boy who maybe doesn’t remember me anymore… I should move on, shouldn’t I?
>>Even if you loved him? Even if you still do? Even if you made love to him? Even if you’ve been his first lover? Even if you know marrying Jenni was the biggest mistake in your life? Even if she cheats on you? Even if you cheat on her?<<
Stop it! I know you’re right…
My inner voice.
My so called PR gay manager.
We’ve become good friends.
During those nights without sleep, just me alone with a bottle of vodka and the memories of Rafi. We talked a lot…
I think I’m getting insane. Definitely!
But again, I don’t mind because it’s Rafa who’s making me crazy. I need him in my life. At least like this.
Of course, I tried to free of him.
Not to think of him.
Not to love him.
Not to come to the next final. I promised myself not to come. But… the next tournament, the next final and I was there again…
And now he’s crying into his towel after his Roland Garros win. In this moment he’s on the top of the world.
I know how he must be feeling.
After I won my first Grand Prix I didn’t cry. Of course, I was incredibly happy but I enjoyed the win inside of me, not showing my emotions too much. It’s the way that I got used to, that I learnt.
But now I’m crying. I’m too much happy.
I try to brush away the tears as I don’t want to look suspiciously. I don’t think anybody can recognize me because I wear a cap and dark glasses but hey, that would be a picture for paparazzis! The Iceman melting into tears…
I grin.
I find it funny.
They call me the Iceman, saying that I have no feelings, no heart.
If they knew!
I used to have emotions, I used to show them.
And the heart. I used to have it.
But two and a half years ago I gave it to this lovely boy and he owns it ever since…
The voice announcing Rafael’s name interrupts my thoughts and I watch my baby getting his cup.
I’m content. How wouldn’t I be? He’s the love of my life.