Fic: More of Gravy than the Grave (1/2)
Title: More of Gravy than The Grave
Author: draqonelle
Beta: my friend Virginia on Facebook
Series: STXI
Rating: Solid pg-13
Length: 17890
Warnings: OOC Crack. Unbetaed a bit, late and crazy
Summary: Kirk finds out that Spock is not feeling well. Could it be that the Christmas Revelry and jubilant spirit of Christmas is making him physically ill? Kirk decides to postpone Christmas. What is going on? A tale of Ex-wives, gangsta wrappers, and Anti-biotics gone Amok.
Link to Fic: Written for the ksadvent Calendar Challenge prompt 63#- The Enterprise is flying through an unexplored sector of space during the holiday season when they run into Santa Clause on a sleigh pulled by reindeer! Hilarity ensues.
Authors Note: This is my first fic for ksadvent! And only ten minutes late. Though it is only 6PM in the US. It was read by my friend Virginia on Facebook. And there will be a sequel on the Sarek and Amanda List! Yay. This is such an awesomely fun list with such great writers. I hope my offering doesn't stink. I really wanted to live up to the quality of the list. Thank you everyone.
More of Gravy than the Grave
More of Gravy then the Grave.
“I am most curious what part of the holiday ritual we will be eating this tree.”
Kirk watched Spock carefully inspected the tree as it came out of the replicator station, ticking off all the boxes on his bureaucratic form. It was a ten foot Douglas fir and had taken seventeen minutes to replicate. As a ranking bridge officer, large batch replicator rations, were under his purview. And The Christmas Decorations filled up the quartermasters office. Kirk was not interested in helping, but he was interested in snooping on the project. The Party Planning Committee had kept the plans secret.
“Humans can’t eat pine trees.” Kirk said as he held up the cute christmas balls from their delicate boxes. “But you go ahead.”
“You are not eating our Christmas tree!” She said “It was 68.4 percent of our rations budget.”
It was a dead week in the heart of the gaseous nebulae of Ceniplon System. The party planning committee decided unanimously they would place the decorations by themselves, to reduce waste and conserve replicator rations. The Engineering Department was dead this week, with no major projects on the way, offered to set up a stage. Wardrobe had plenty of tools, extra material, and free time to sew up textiles, and cute custom made stockings for all the Crewmates. Uhura was pleased they came in under budget and replicated a genuine Douglas Fir and even had enough over in the energy budget to get another Suckling Droobachtt (An Andorian roasting animal that had gained popularity this season’s Holiday tables) To go with Scotty’s Christmas Goose. (No one really liked goose but he had ordered it pointing a sharp hydro spanner at Uhura’s face, as a “Right Proper Christmas.”)
Spock as the Ranking officer, was not involved in the Party planning process. He was there to make sure no one replicated anything more illicit then a sugarplum faery. Since as of this calender year Alcohol would no longer be served on Star Ships, only giving these last Holiday months to grandfather the old supplies. Though many doubted their wouldn’t be a bit of brandy or scotch put by their resident drinkers. Just because you couldn’t replicate it didn’t mean it was impossible to get. As a result they were thinking of putting a wet bar with synthehol beverages on the latest Star Ship and a Replomat powered Galley with a Single cook to oversee the operation.
This was the end of Fleet Service as they knew it.
She smiled “It even smells real.”
“This tree does look good enough to eat.” Scotty said “When you have a point you have a point.” He beamed “This is going to be perfect.”
“Though your tautology is nonsensical, your Christmas tree has a palatable fragance. ” Spock said. Uhura mouthed his words sarcastically under her breath. It was too soon after the breakup for the two to spend any time together civilly. She could be a bear about such things. Scotty was in Christmasland, where everyone was happy and gay.
“But Spock.” Dr. McCoy was not in the mood to argue. “Why would anyone want to eat a Christmas tree?”
“If you are not going to eat it why were you so adamant, that the tree was organic. And not “be one of that ‘Gottdang’ fake plastic trees”. Plastic is easier to reproduce and recyclable.”
“We might as well have the best. Just because it’s natural, doesn’t mean you can eat it.” He said.“Pine trees are all prickly and sharp.”
“A vulcan for example would have no problem eating such a plant. Cacti comprise thirteen percent of the Vulcan diet. It is cleary a symbol of plenty and beneficence.” Spock drew his hand over the branches “To have such a sweet smelling and luxuriantly green item on display, is worthy of a Temple. In Ancient Times on Vulcan, Such a plant would have been worshiped and given as a sacrifice to the Gods.” Vulcan life too cheap a price, blood sacrifices were for everyday occasions.
“But it is just silly.” Dr. McCoy shook his head. Kirk tried to wrap his head around Vulcans sitting down at a table with a tree branch and a bowl of mint jelly. Buttering up the trunk with syrup. It was a bit amusing, but would make sense to a desert dwelling Vegetarian people.
“Then why did you decorate the tree with cookies, popcorn and other desirable earth comestibles. And roast it with those candles and hot lights. And marinade it in fresh water so it stays moist and juicy.”
“Don’t eat that. These aren’t real gingerbread.” She said “Ceramic. And the candy canes are painted papier mache. Its sort of a human fantasy.”
Spock grabbed one of the candy canes which broke off.
“It is an illusion. What is this in the box?”
“Buche de Noel. A yule log cake. Ancient Brittish custom”
“It has a French extraction.
Kirk had never seen one, but apparently it looked like a Yule Log. Like a piece of fire wood. It had fake fondant mushrooms and frosting berries on it. On top of that a baby squirrel that said “Happy Christmas Joyeux Noelle Felize Navidad.” It was kinda weird and probably not the best representation of Human christmas. It was a little over the top.
But even that made Yeoman Rand’s Gingerbread Mansion look sane. She actually made little effigies of all 417 or more crew members. At the Party Rand intended to pass them out. A veritably Gingerbread starfleet. They really needed something to happen immediately before his best men were reduced to gibbering morons.
The Kirks were never ones to do up Christmas right. He was kind of unimpressed though the others were going crazy with overwrought and insane Christmas plans. He was glad that he wasn’t forced to come up with anything so creative.”
“I fail to see the point of creating realistic artistic renderings of food and then not eat them, then use food to recreate inedible items like gingerbread houses. Disguise food as inedible and unappealing inedible things. One cannot eat wood. And waste perfectly good food sitting out in the middle of the floor and waste fresh water prolonging it’s freshness” Spock actually was tempted to throw the candy cane down in frustration. “What is edible in here? I do not begin to know what to put into my mouth and what I should call maintenance to clean away.”
“Well there are lots of Christmas Foods I find confusing either.” Kirk said “I wouldn’t eat a figgy pudding if you paid me.”
“You’d love it sir. Specially with my mum’s winning recipe. Its got figs and raisin and you pour a rum sauce on it…” Scotty said.
“No I wouldn’t, Because I only eat Jello pudding. Unless it has a foil top I don’t trust it.” Kirk said aloud.
“Do Vulcans celebrate Christmas?” Kirk asked
Uhura gave him the “Are you shitting me?” look. They had become so professional and serious in the last few months. They barely dropped the F bomb once a week. And Bones had become so well mannered he only used it on red alert or general quarters 4 or when Ex-Mrs. McCoy called about custody arrangements. As a result The flag ship still buried everyone other ship of the line in profanity violations. She didn’t even give him that look on duty, except for now when all of them were off duty. She would have bored a hole in his skull if she could have gotten away with it. THey were so mature.
“Vulcans do not celebrate any tradition. It is not our way.”
“In my studies of Vulcan there are Solstice… or rather Aphelion traditions. Where Vulcans will adopt the customs of Ancient Relgions and even Alien Religions as a part of their meditation rituals.” Kirk asked.
“Yes that is true. To an extent….” Uhura said.
Spock cut her off “As Vulcan’s orbit is rather erratic. The weather is cold and inclement and the sandstorms cover the desert.” He said “It is often a gathering time. For the resources of the groups, the Families and Clans were scarce. It is also a time of deep introspection and extended meditation, to surpress hunger and violence. But Earth men have always celebrated the Solstice, though on a planet as Earth Aphelion and Solstice are often in the same month. It is a congruent sociological construct.”
“But those are Vulcan Festivals of Aphelion season are quite interesting and beautiful. The Eve of the eye of Draniach, or Surak’s Day. The Parade of Flame down the Fire Plains. The Rain Dance of Trelat’y’an. The Blood Orgies of T‘vet. Thousands, sometimes millions of Vulcans will participate.” Kirk imparted.
“How did you find out about those?” Uhura asked.Uhura was impressed at Kirk. She had done her best to show them something about Vulcan culture to not completely embarrass themselves. She was protective of Spock, despite the way their relationship imploded. She did not expect him to study anything deeper then the dossier she put together. But Kirk couldn’t get enough about the place. If time permitted he would have loved to learn Vulcan. Though now it was basically a dead language.
Spock looked at Uhura wondering if the two humans had discussed Vulcan culture. Uhura shrugged.
“I see you have been researching.” Spock said.
“Well there were just so many archives. I just like to look at them. Some of them are so cool. I really found them informative.”
“Participating in the tradition is not celebrating it. It may be difficult to imagine in such a utilitarian culture, but Vulcans believe in preserving tradition.” Spock said
“I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.” McCoy snorted. “Vulcans are also the master of understatement.”
“Especially those traditions based in Logic and Survival. We honor the spirits of those who came before us. By orally and physically reproducing aspects of their culture we do not understand. We do not do this as a means of enjoyment, but as our duty to those departed. To understand their motivations so we will not lose the progress of our civilization.”
“Christmas, as I understand, is a holiday of… enjoyment. It not meshed with the undoubtedly somber mood endemic of Vulcan practices. Even those Vulcans who identify as Christians take no interest in celebrating it. Focusing on the more spiritual and knowledge seeking practices of the Christian Faith.”
Spock too deep a pause. The others waiting for him to finish his explanation.
“If you will not need me I will take my leave.”
He gave the tree a sidelong glance. “But I believe it prudent that a sign should be placed so that some of our alien in an crewmen will not desecrate and ruin the decorations in search of food.”
“No one is going to try to eat a Christmas tree.”
As they had been chatting Lt. Keesner was trying to stick a Christmas star in his mouth, from one of the packages.
Spock did not look smug as Scotty grabbed the ornament out of Keesner’s claws.
****
Scotty and Uhura were well underway with Christmas Preparations. With the Christmas Party happening tomorrow everything needed to be ready… yesterday. Kirk had not expected that his top Bridge officers would want to run the show, as it was stereotypically something the Yeoman or the Quartermaster put together at the last minute. But Scotty of all people was the first to volunteer. Scotty while a classic engineering geek in every sense of the word, still wanted to have a big social gathering in which he could scare off the women. He had a string of depressing Christmasses (Last year Keesner ate his Christmas Tree decorations because it resembled the crystalline sap formations on hir homeworld know as a delicacy. Two years ago His Grandmother Fionna’s Fruitcake was seven months late and rerouted to Deep Space 4 and still covered in Space Mites. (That was no doubt admiral’s interference.) If they were going to have a Christmas it would be the greatest deep space Christmas ever.
Uhura was even more unlikely candidate for party planning committee. In fact, it seemed from her attitude that she didn’t actually enjoy it. But she had volunteered, and had gotten the Wardrobe to help and dress the Crewman’s Main Messhall with draping fabric and electric candles. She micromanaged the little details with the younger Yeomans. Scotty put her in charge of the decorating, which he said needed a woman’s touch. This got him a withering stare which would have sterilized a lesser man. They were not bad as a team once he apologized and was sure that Uhura wouldn’t slap him into another Star System.
Scotty informed The Captain of the Menu. The spread, the logistics of feeding four shifts of hungry overworked crewman, It was going to be a great buffet. The Galley was glad that most of the entrees would be cooked and cut by hand. He did so with a chipper smile, and a whistle. Unlike Uhura who barked and snarled at the Yeoman over every detail. It was not much like her. To help out Sulu was running a Dirty Santa, that somehow wasn’t officially gambling. The Hardcore Christians were passing out cards and Wassailing on Christmas eve, and giving out small unobtrusive gifts. Chanukah had finally passed, though Uhura still wanted to use the Menorah in her design. No one really had a problem with it, and on a ship like the Enterprise any problem became big problem quickly. There was no way to get away from a big ego, or a little argument. So even minor change of mood and attitude where quickly observed and even quicker changed the atmosphere of the ship. Had they all been in the Academy they all probably wouldn’t have noticed how sharp Uhura’s voice was. Or how Happy Scotty was walking down the corridors whistling his Christmas Carols.
“Uhura we are going to need the officer’s mess ready by 1600 hours.”
“It is gorgeous in here. I didn’t think the tree would fit.”
“Yes sir. I am wondering if we should have replicated the twelve foot tree, instead. It’s not how I want it.” Uhura took a breath “But I thought we could dim the lights a little, do an old fashioned Tree Lighting.”
“Yeah that would be awesome.”
“I’ll just need the release of the power controls for lighting. You know can’t do it for public areas on my rank.”
“Spock is normally on top of that.”
“Spock is not going to come to Christmas.” Uhura said “”
“Is there something wrong?”
“I don’t know why you expect him to come. It is the least Spock-like thing to do ever. He is a Vulcan. He can’t change. He probably would hate it if he did come.” Her face darkened. “I don’t want to talk about Spock anymore. There is no way he’s going to make it.”
“Is he sick?”
“Maybe that would make it easier.” Uhura muttered.
Kirk leaned in and whispered so the other crewmen wouldn’t hear “I was just wondering if anything happened since the break up last month. Something that would cause sour feelings. Anything we can talk about with Mr. Spock in conflict resolution situation before command finds out.”
Uhura started to shut down, her agitated hands fiddling with the garland hanging from the door lintel. “You act like he’s not to blame for at least 50%. Spock isn’t perfect.” She snapped at him. “The truth is Captain, I would just like one night where I wouldn’t have to think about him. Drink some egg nog, and get a keychain or some bedroom slippers.” She pulled up her papers and took a deep cleansing breath. “Get hammered. It has been three years since I have gotten completely drunk.”
“Sorry.” She said “I have just been a little edgy. It’s probably just worried about this party turning out all right.”
“No harm Lieutenant. The party is going to be great. And everything will work out.” Kirk said. After all they weren’t just officers they had become friends. And now Uhura needed one.
“Yeah… I mean about the party.” Uhura said, trying to shake off her vulnerability and returned to her task.
“What else would I be talking about?” Kirk said trying to be light and friendly.
Uhura’s face was twisted up in a far off ‘I just miss him so much.’ Look brewing on her face, but she said nothing. The Devil would tobaggan to work before she did.
Uhura and Spock never were gushers. So the exact circumstances of their breakup were mysterious and gossiped about constantly. Whether it was his fault her fault. Whether the Vulcan Council had threatened her life because of an interracial scandal. Whether she saw his alien penis and became so confused she had a nervous breakdown. Uhura could do her job, with a steely cool professionalism, but Uhura was testy off duty with nothing to occupy her mind. That sort of Compartmentalization made her a good officer, but not necesssary a joy to be around once work was over.
Spock would not share anything.
So Kirk would have to find out himself. Maybe Spock would come if he and Uhura didn’t cross paths. Maybe it would be best for them to talk it out. Or maybe he was sick as Uhura implied.
-
He came to the edge of Spock’s quarters for their nightly chess game/debriefing. Spock had placed exotic looking sheer textiles along the walls. An IDIC Tapestry on the Wall. Costly Shimal Brocades. The heat from the Quarters was only 15 degrees higher then the Ships average. But he was allowed a hearth like heat interface. Which resembled a brazier, underneath a red statue of a Sehlat. (He was not sure how they pronounced it, but in some Vulcan Homes they were like cows and worshiped as Family Spirits.) It was to represent a fire, which would be out of place in the high tech world.
Despite the smoulder of the coals, it was dark and misty with incense. Kirk’s nose flared. It was a completely strange scent of sugar-free cinnamon gum and sage and the Vulcan scent Hri root.
Spock was a beautiful and unique life form. Staring at him there was a great treasure. Not in the usual sneak a peak prurile way. Not that he didn’t ever think about Spock that way once. He had been fantasizing about inappropriate people since he wondered if he should go on a date with his garbage man at the age of 15. He fantasized, extrapolated and jerked off to the thoughts of many of his friends, colleagues and even enemies. But maturity had changed him. And that was something an immature hick would think, a callow cadet. He was a captain and Captains should be better people. Even if he would try thinking of Spock, he would think of Spock pure in his devotions to Logic and communal rightness and he would be stalled.
Spock would hate it if he found out that Kirk was thinking about him. Instead of thinking about him in thigh highs or a labcoat (or both.) He would think more modest, pure, sickly sweet thoughts of his own. It was a good thing because it made their professional relationship very effective and not at all stressful.
I wish I could know him better.
In the corner there was a light a small menorah. Except it had no candles. It was burning pure oil like an old fashioned lamp in some legend. It was a new edition to Spock’s Decor.
“Enter Captain.”
Deeper within there was NeoSymbolist and Art Deco pieces, with a geometric force of balance. Adam and Eve being cast from Paradise. Lucifer.
Spock sat at his desk and looked over at Jim. He looked so strange in this lighting. Kirk could not help to stare.
“That is a hannukiyah. An oil version. It is a way to commemorate the Ancient Tradition of Chanukah. My mother told us of the Persian/Syrian in the Kingdom of Jerusalem and the Triumph of the Macabees.”
“I thought it was only candles. They only had enough candles for one day to light the Eternal Light at the Holy Temple. Or something. And it lasted for eight, because God wanted them to persevere.” Jim wondered if he always sounded so… inexact.
“It is the general spirit of the story.” Spock said gently. “But it was in fact the pure and consecrated oil, which lit the lamps.”
The oil light burn so pure and white. It was disconcerting. Spock glowed as if there was cool moonlight on his face. Candlelight was a ruddy thing, but this was different.
“Perhaps this was the method that the Ancient Hebrews defied the laws of thermodynamics. Making olive oil candles. This is believed to represent the style of lamp the Hebrews used. It is a very human story. The burdens of a pure lifestyle in the backdrop of war and suffering. The strange Blessing of an Indifferent yet Omnipresent God, to allow the Hebrew to die in war but bless their purity. The complete violation of Logic and even Physics. ”
“I did not know you were Jewish. We would have stopped hassling you about the Christmas tree. They were lighting the menorah last week when-”
“I did not wish to intrude upon the cerements of Practicing Jews on any holiday.” He said “I have Jewish ancestry. As it is maternal jewish ancestry, I would have a case to apply to become a practicing Jew.” He said “But I am not a Jew myself. I follow the traditions of my family’s people, as is the duty of the youngest son. As any Vulcan would. In direct Violation of the Jewish laws. I also practice rituals at my families Idol. And pay sacrifice to T’pel as my ancestor did.
“So you aren’t anything, just an agnostic.”
“Surak was a student of many religions. And never did seek to prove one true religion. He merely placed them under the same scrutiny to the laws of logic and how they would improve his life.
Spock looked at the fire “After Surak’s death people were no longer united. There were once Vulcans believed devotion to a spiritual life would be an outlet for the emotions which could not beings ofe purged, to surpress them to a point where they could be controlled. Some said that that was the only way to control.”
“So Vulcans not only have emotions… but they saw them as a part of their spiritual lives. As a way to reconcile their feelings.” Kirk said
“They made an earnest attempt. No one can say different. The way of the spirit is a path fraught with many dangers to a Vulcan. We are not perfect beings. Even those with positive aims sometimes… falter in our attainment of our goals.”
“Are these Spiritual Vulcan’s still around?”
“The group disbanded. Some went deep into the country and devoted themselves to strict meditation and celibacy. Others were not so strong. They lost their way when they ignored the Aiemansu. The Passions Mastery. They sought sensation and pleasure. A few died for reckless mistakes. Some became criminals on other worlds unable to stop their behavior having no more logic left. A few even died only able to think about the next moments pleasure.”
Kirk stared at Spock. Spock knew more then he shared.
“In the end to Master and Surpress Passion has been the only way Vulcans have survived in peace. Any other way was dangerous, and lead to crimes.”
He lowered his head.
“Well I don’t think they would believe that such Vulcans could exist.” Kirk said “I consider you to be the finest example of your people Spock, and you are anything but an emotional mystic.”
“Thank you Captain.”
He looked at Kirk, his dark eyes glowing. He looked like he was sitting under the moon “I do not understand the human need to celebrate, anymore then I understand a fire that burns without a sufficient fuel source for longer then calculated. One must seek to understand such things… as a scientist… no a person. I am no better then those other before me.”
Kirk smiled. He cannot believe Spock just said that. It was so Spock so curious, so thoughtful. From anyone else he could not have trusted the drivel, but Spock, it seemed to fit him.
“It is a nice… beautiful lamp.” Kirk smiled at Spock. “I think it is a nice story too.”
Spock was sitting their right now. Kirk took in a deep breath “Spock. I have… well.”
“Yes Captain?” his voice was smooth and lilting. Kirk lowered his head
“Well Uhura is done with the decorations. If you’d like to go see them lets say 1800 hours.” A time in the middle of Betta Shift. Uhura had requested a shift change three days after the major blowout in the cafeteria with Spock. She would be on duty and Spock and Kirk would be free to look at all of them together “If you wanted to learn more about Christmas. Even if you are Vulcan and Jewish… and…”
“In my earlier inspections, I have already seen the decorations in their boxes. There are seventeen garlands, a representation of the Menorah. A Black Red and Green candle holder in honor of Kwanza, 55 glass bulbs…”
“Yeah but it’s the configuration it is important.” Kirk chuckled.
“If I have see them. It is illogical to see them again. I will be resting in my Quarters during Beta Shift. Possibly in a healing meditation.”
“I do not wish to alter Uhura’s state of emotions. And if I am not there I will not.”
Kirk said “Well you can’t let her bitchy attitude get in your way. I love her to death but….”
“Captain it is my health that I cannot be around groups of people.” He said almost warm. “Rest is what I need. The presence of many chaotic minds will not be beneficial.”
“You ok?” Maybe it was a sickness. “You aren’t sick are you? You should have told me.”
“I have been sick for the last 2.8 hours, I noticed my immune system was flagging. I have an infection now, asymptomatic until at least the beginning of Alpha Shift tomorrow. I hope to bolster my immune system until then by focussing as much mental power as I can on my health and wellbeing, rather then Christmas parties and human frivolity. I am not sure that I would appreciate the Earth Cuisine so carefully prepared. If that is a sample of the day, I sense there will be many confusing things.”
“But maybe.”
“Pyschic overflow of many people in a small place is an intense experience for a Vulcan. While it is not unpleasant, it is not particularly healthy for me. The extraneous stimuli and the uncomfortable locale, might make my immune system falter allowing my infection to become an illness.” He said “Think of it as merely avoiding a big party because I have a cold, a common occurence for even the most sociable human. Not an outright rejection of the practice in general.”
Kirk hated the idea that Spock would be sick during Christmas and all alone empathizing far too deeply.
“It is not for Vulcans to gather and make merry. I will be deep in meditation, perhaps a trance.”
“I hadn’t really thought of it like that. It’s just Uhura has been really difficult since you broke up. I thought that she was making you stay away. Threatening you or something… ” That sounded stupid now he said it out loud “When you were together she was great, but She can be so bitchy sometimes.”
“And I have not?” Spock asked. “Been a bitch.”
“That is the problem. I am sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop.” Kirk said. “I’m so used to reading human emotions, it is difficult when you don’t say anything at all.”
“Perhaps she will be less difficult without another emotional stressor involved. She might have a relapse into foolish behaviors if I press her further.”
Relapse. You mean she might beg for Spock back. She might try to get Spock to go back into a relationship. This made Kirk very angry for some reason, for a brief puzzling period of time. How dare she break up with Spock and Expect him back, She…. And how was it a Ship’s captain’s business if Spock and Uhura got back together. Or that they were dating. Besides Spock considered them foolish, maybe he would tell her to blow off. He liked the sound of that for some reason. Why was he so irritated by Uhura lately.
“I just want to give you something that you would like in commemoration of the season.”
“What I would very much, like peace and quiet. Vulcans are not particularly enamored of this gift giving concept…I find it weird, a wholly alien concept. I do not know what to do with them.”
Kirk said. He was going to be a thoughtful guy and let Uhura go to the party to make her happy and less stressful, maybe that was what he wanted. A gift did not always have to be positive reinforcement. It could be negative reinforcement as well. Perhaps a peaceful day free of celebrating humans. Kirk thought about it more. It was bad enough when the inlaws got drunk and the kids were racing around, and they wouldn’t stop singing “all I want for Christmas” on the karaoke channel. That must be a special hell for Vulcans.
Knowing it would induce their alien coworkers to celebrate. Christmas to Vulcans was like serving bacon cheeseburgers at a mohil, or Texas-style barbecue at an party in Atlanta. (Kirk had a list now and never expected McCoy to be on it based on what type of sauce he put on his pork. The "Ignorance is not an excuse" list)
“I think I get the idea now. But I have some Holiday plans of my own.”
“Of Course Captain.”
***
McCoy was cranky. Chapel rolled her eyes and rifled through the index on her PADD with her ear pods in. M’benga (the youngest doctor on the Enterprise now and ex-internist in Shikar) was quivering in the corner as McCoy was in a fight with the Mrs. Jocelyn Branch-McCoy-Treadway-Hirshbaum.
“Good Gottdamnit Jocelyn. What did I tell you about talking about my mama? I told you not to make fun of my Mama. It gets me angry.”
“That wrinkled old monkey’s got on my last nerve, when she convinced Joanna to stop taking Skateboarding lessons and take up Yoga. She wants to undermine my authority.”
“Joanna doesn’t like Extreeeeeme Sports. You can’t make her. Too damn dangerous anyway.”
“You are such a little pansy, Leonard. You and your mama!”
“She’s my mama.”
and I will never let Joanna go to Mars. Space Ships ain’t safe . Not until she is 18.”
“You have her skate boarding of 3 foot ramps. This is a thousand times safer’n’that.”
“I hate you. You shut up about my mama. you gussed up bottle blond bimbo or I will come back to Earth! You ain’t never did-
“She is a wrinkled old monkey ass I hate her.” Jocelyn started counting off Leonard’s faults on her “Impotent, Weak Slovenly Repulsive.….”
The high voices rang out throughout the sick bay. The two angry voices echoing off each other, making no sense, talking about ex-bestfriends who became lovers, “Clay Treadway was Better in Bed than you!” “I think Joanna should be whatever religion she wants” “It’s not my fault Joanna can’t fit into her training bra anymore. Big boobs don’t run on my side of the family.” To the puzzling “Clay Treadway can give better blow jobs than you.” Which actually shocked Jocelyn for once.
“I am rubber and you are glue.”
McCoy made a fist and collapsed the feed, letting out an insane roar
“She hung up on me! No one hangs up on me.”
M’benga twitched in the corner still. Probably used to Vulcans and their prim and proper ways after four years. Or he was one of them sensitive Types, or worst of all Single and Never been in love was absolutely horrified. The young man was shocked by the language, and dialect, coming out of his Ranking officers mouth.
“Happy Christmas Captain.” Trying to defend himself against the swears. “I think McCoy is….
“This is your first holiday working with Dr. McCoy. The Doctor and his Ex-wife have to fight over who gets to spend which holidays with whom.”
“Why don’t they just alternate?” M’benga said
“They are… They are just sore about it whenever it happens to happen. You should have seen the face to face Treaty of Easter Sunday, held in San Francisco, freshman year. I thought Jocelyn was going to throw a frying pan at him. She actually chased him into a closet.”
Dr. McCoy exited his office. Looking as if he had gone five rounds with Oscar DeLahoya
“H-happy christmas Dr. McCoy, sir.”
“Nothing to be happy about right now.” There was something wrong when McCoy didn’t feel like swearing.
“Is Joanna okay? I know you can’t be there for Christmas with the little one.” M’benga said “It will all work out.”
“When you are divorced with a baby the holidays are war.” McCoy said “You heard all of that from my office?” McCoy looked Sheepish.”
“Leonard they heard you in Georgia.” Kirk tsked. “Your sainted mama wouldn’t like you using that sort of langauge.”
“Yeah well…” McCoy said “I know I can’t take my turn but she ain’t being flexible.” Dr. McCoy said. “She won’t even let Joanna go out to Mars this April without pitching a holy fit.”
“Is there anything I can do?” Jim leaned over.
“I never got Joanna to myself, even when I was home. It was always at Mama’s house. I just want one week in April to make up for missing Christmas. That is all I want.”
“You are doing your best Leonard. Jocelyn is a heartless bitch, but at least you know bears won’t eat your young. Jocelyn will strangle them to death. She is just afraid of Space travel.”
“But she always was a good mother. Never marry an Highly Function Alcoholic Astrophobic. There are out of their minds.”
“Aren’t you an astrophobic?” Jim Kirk smirked.
“How do you think I know?” He said “As far as I’m concerned,I’m kinda cured. Exposure Therapy works wonders. That is why I want Jo out here. To learn and to grow and see the Universe beyond herself. And not end up an hellatious astrophobic gold digger who makes fun of my mother. She makes fun of my mama.
“You did call her a Whorish Termagant.”
“My mama is a saint.” McCoy pouted “She won the X-box World Championships from the Koreans. Twice.”
“Your Mother is one of my personal idols. Right up their with Abraham Lincoln and Surak.” Kirk gestured.
“I don’t like people dogging on my mama. Thats the woman I should be with, not some Beach bottle blonde working outta some corner office. She acts like she is so awesome. ”
“Isn’t she the District Attorney of Atlanta?”
I’m not voting for a third term.”
Bones was in need of a post custody arrangement chaser. They took out the last of the legal brandy on the ship. Not the Saurian stuff, but a nice blend of Aldebran apricots and oats.
“Can we please not talk about it anymore. It’s like somehow even in deep Space she can ruin Christmas.”
“I was wondering if you wanted to pitch in for a present for Spock.” Jim said.
“Let me guess. A clockwork heart full of sawdust…? or a memory upgrade to Windows 3000? Pointed shoes?
“I am serious.” Jim Kirk said. “I want to get Spock he won’t forget.”
“I am not getting him another gift. Last birthday gift I bought him. I found in the recyclers outside my office door. He didn’t even take it into his quarters, he didn’t even make it out of sickbay before he dumped it. Threw it right in the trash. He is bullshit. You know what he got me for my birthday?”
“No. He got you a birthday present?”
“He got me an 1856 Navy hanger. He got me a Civil War sword and I fricking love it.But anything I give him, ends up in the recycling unit.”” Bones scowled in exact opposite of his words “Best Birthday Present I ever got since I was Thirteen Years old, and Jocelyn Branch let me see my first set of naked boobies cause she spent my gift certificate.”
“You two are very complicated.” Jim shook his head “Well this isn’t a gift you have to pick out or wrap. No this is not that kind of gift.”
“It’s not a sex thing is it. I ain’t helping with that… I am really not into aliens.”
“No,” Jim Kirk shook his head. “I thought you were bi. Why would you be so Squeamish about gay sex.”
“This isn’t ordinary, everyday, run of the mill,gay sex. This is gay sex with an alien. He might get me pregnant or something…”
“Why do you think about it’s about Gay Sex?”
“I just got a vibe.”
“Spock is feeling sick. And all this Christmas stuff is sort of making him feel sicker. He can’t get to sleep.”
“Happiest Day of the year. Only that would give Spock a sour stomach.” McCoy said “You think that a little Christmas party is making him sick?”
“He didn’t start to get sick until Christmas came around.” Kirk said.
“Actually Sir, if you don’t mind.” M’benga stood up “There is a profound mind body link within the Vulcan healing process. A patient is encouraged to refrain from social situations as a source of distraction. As well as pyschic interference. But they are more well-trained then most patients. Vulcans can not only detect infections, but classify them and give us an accurate timeline of their progress.” M’benga said. “Vulcans are very in tune with the mind-body-spirit connections. Which nonetheless make them very sturdy to most conventional diseases.”
“I hate Vulcan medicine. I don’t know if its philosophy meditation or religion. But It just drives me crazy. He probably told you what he has, what medicine to take and how long he will need to kill the germs.” McCoy said “And be right and insufferable about it.”
“So our minds, our happiness he can feel it. And that is what making him feel sick?”
“In a way Captain. It could be that the infection is virulent or of an unknown origin. But sometimes they are linked to excessive stress. As in a warzone, or in the death of a friend or family member or…”
“Well I was just wondering if we could tone down on the Christmas stuff. None of this Merry Christmas stuff, Happy Christmas. It is going to drive him crazy.”
Christine Chapel nodded, “We wouldn’t do anything to hurt Mister Spock. He is one of the finest men, I have ever met, and If I can show my appreciation in any way, no matter how small…” Chapel waxed on and on poetically.
“Heck, I’m not even really Christian.” M’benga said peevishly.
“Eid Mubarak then…”
“Why do you think I’m Muslim?” M’Benga crossed his arms. He had heard it all before.
“Statistical likelihood.” Kirk said, not wishing to admit he catered to any stereotype about Sexy Black doctors.
“We will all tone it down on the Christmas stuff. And well keep communal areas free of well wishing merry making and joy of any sort.
“Just push it through the crew.”
“Will we still be having the Christmas Party?”
“Cullenism isn’t officially a religion as much as a venue to discuss the philosophical and moral values of the works of the Author Stephanie Meyer. I’d like to get in on the Dirty Santa.” He said “I heard someone is putting up their projection screen 3d holeo player.”
Kirk was wondering how out of control this Party was going to get. And to tell you the Truth most of the people he had been talking to were not particularly interested in Christmas, and getting tired of the socializing and well wishing and extravagant gifts. It would be hard to convince the merry makers to tone it down. But after leaving Sickbay he knew he had it in hand
***
“Yee are canceling christmas?” Scotty wailed. He clutched his bucket of candy canes. His pointed hat looked droopy and limp after that. Who would have expected him to dress like a Christmas elf for his shift.
“I am just asking that you don’t start celebrating until after the party starts. And stop handing out Candy canes. Put on your uniform. And stop being so…”
“Nice and Friendly.” He said “And Pleasant.” He said “I just want everyone to have a great a Christmas as I am having. You know how lonely it is on Delta Vega. Me and Keesner have been waiting all year. I promised s/him an old fashioned Proper Christmas. I even got hir some ornaments to snack on.”
“You can, just at the party.”
“You are a Scrooge, Captain.” He said “And A grinch. Have a Candycane.”
“I’m not saying you can’t have Candy canes and booze and sandwiches. Just don’t be so emotional about it.”
“The best thing about Christmas. It is the Cheer in the air. the sparkle in your eye? It isn’t the fact that we are getting presents and food and there is a 2137 Chevy Malibu in the Dirty Santa. Its the love and friendship and togetherness.”
Scotty had turned into a Christmas card. He would put any greenblooded Vulcan off his feed. “Look I want to get something for Spock.” Jim said “And I think the only thing Spock wants is a nice peaceful day without people getting drunk on happiness.”
“So get the man a box of Chocolates or bum him up the ass.” Scotty said. ‘That much chocolate he won’t even know it’s Christmas.”
“Why does everyone think I want to have sex with Spock? It’s just I want to be nice to the guy.”
“It is 417 to one. And all me alien mates WANT to have an old fashioned human christmas. I’ve Got Ovo-Lacto, Organic Food for the Vulcans. I got a slab of Quartz for the Hortalings, and a statue dressed as Santa. I got a plate of sugar water for Ensign Igglefroo. I got seeds that make Orion women feel uninibitted, hunted to extinction mind you. Replicated it so Gaila could have a christmas treat. I can make it work. Spock is the only one not coming. Spock is the only that doesn’t want to have fun on Christmas.”
“Just one shift. Just wait until the party starts. Then you can go crazy with seed pods and rose quartz.”
“It doesnt feel like Christmas without Christmas morning.”
Look you wanted to do an overhaul on the Forward Array. Didn’t I get you that experimental Tachyon beam. I was going to let you and Spock do it over shore leave. Since I know you hate Wrigley’s Pleasure Planet so much. But maybe we could begin repairs… this shift. You spend the time fixing up your new toy, it’s time for the party. Which is all I’m asking for. You go away and Not pass out Christmas Cheer.”
“Captain you drive a hard bargain.” He said “These Tachyons can penetrate space time. But I love Candy canes. Everyone loves Candy Canes.”
“I could always let Spock do the repairs… as a favor for ruining his christmas.”
“But I get to light that big old Christmas Tree. And you are trying me Mum’s Recipe for Fig Pudding.”
“One Bite of it. One bite!”
He gave the captain the tub of plastic candy canes. “I will see you tomorrow at the party.” He whimpered “But I am not taking off the hat.”
***
Sulu was more difficult. He was sitting at the table in the Mess, holding an Antique 24 carat Hublot watch in one hand and looking at it through a jewelers loop.
“Well Fencing is fine, but lately I been collecting 21st Century Jewelry.”
“Sulu, this watch costs more then a Land car. Brand new. This should be in the History Museum” Antique Gangsta Rapper jewelry was a lucrative hobby. Though The collective works “2Mon-aaaay” were lost to the ravages of WWIII, his watch was still around filling envious eyes with that ellusive quality known as “Hatery” Jim Kirk was a complete hater as he tried on his monogrammed watch. “How did you get someone to donate a museum Quality Heirloom?”
“Is that a large faced Rolex? I’ve heard about these in those old folk songs.”
Captain Kirk looked at the old platinum and diamond watch.
“Captain are you ready to give in and Join our Dirty Santa? I heard you got some unusual gifts from the Vulcans. Care to put them in the running.”
“This is gambling. I thought we had a limit of 50 credits.”
“Look all we want to have a fun Christmas. If people want to donate their awesome expensive stuff to play the odds… Then I can’t stop them.”
“You know I can’t advocate gambling on the ship. And the level of high quality items involved in this play.”
“Captain. It’s not Gambling its not much more then a Secret Santa.”
Sulu was going to be a hell of a captain. He could talk the wings off an angel.
“A fool and their money are soon parted. But I do have a favor to ask.”
“We are all pitching in for a day without Christmas, so we all can buck wild at the Party. I think it will increase the sense of anticipation.” Kirk said “Spock hasn’t been feeling well. We will just keep this Christmas stuff to ourselves and not foist our cultural values on him. It can’t be easy being to only Vulcan on the ship at Christmas.”
“Gladly.” Sulu said. “I don’t think I could with him a Merry Christmas.”
“Is there some particular reason?” Kirk peered at him. Normally everyone would do anything for Spock.
“Well… It’s stupid and Juvenile ok. I would.”
Sulu wasn’t the only one with Puppy Dog eyes and a gifted tongue. He was still James Kirk.
“I just think he’s stuck up, He’s a jerk. I don’t like the guy.”
“Spock is the nicest guy in the -”
“No. He’s a good officer. He’s a good suck up. He’s just so cold and arrogant. I just don’t like him.I had enough of him on the bridge. ”
“I just think he could have handled the whole situation with Uhura better. I mean look at her.” He said.
“Did I tell you I have a super crush on her?”
“Well everyone does.” Kirk said. “It think it’s the boots.”
“Like I…” Sulu said “I want to get with her. Why do you think I am running secret Dirty Santa, because she’s head of the Like the party planning committee. I thought we would be having fun together. Working late nights on the party. All she freaking does is yell at Scott to get on a ladder and straighten things.”
“She actually asked him if he got his Engineering Degree out of a crackerjack box, for mishanging the banner by 3 degrees. It’s brutal. He went to Carnegie-Mellon. She doesn’t even give me the time of day.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. She’s a mess since Spock left. He did her wrong.” Sulu said “She needs a man to show her it will be all right, and rub her shoulders and hold her through the night.” Sulu waxed on poetically.
“That was surprisingly sweet.” Kirk said “Look ok, maybe you want to nail her more then I do…”
“I just want to wash her back and then write my name on it with massage oil. Is that weird?”
“That is enough Lieutenant.”
“Look he totally screwed her up. It’s not fair. I don’t even care if he comes to the stupid party. You know put a cup of that Everclear and Homemade Plomik Vodka punch that Scott makes I might have to tell him so. Plomik Vodka will fuck you up. I may try to kill him. Or hump him. It’s just that intense.”
“You are not making your own Vodka for the Party. Look I will guarantee Spock is out of your hair. He won’t even show up at the party.”
Sulu said “If he doesn’t show up at the party, I guess that would be awesome.”
“If you make due on your promise I will give a special gift for you. Go through the entire shift without bothering Spock and I will give Captain Reserves.”
“Which is?”
He commed yeoman. “Yeoman Rand, could you please go to my stores and get out the bottle marked “aftershave.” The big one.”
“Ay Ay Sir.”
Kirk gazed at Sulu “I have three casks of aged Vulcan port.” He said “If you help me out, I will give you one for the Secret Santa.”
“What the hell is Vulcan port?”
“It is a rare royal liquor, Whose recipe was passed down by generations of Vulcan Brewing slaves. The Vulcan Warriors would drink this before going into battle and humping each other, sometimes to death.”
“From the battle or the humping.”
“Yes. A liquor distilled of agave, Sgri aloe, honey made of a twill. A twill is wasp like insect that does nothing but eat tequila straight from the cactus and eat wild T’resh’kah hawks. A hive of stripping their flesh bare while they are in midflight. Their honey is reknowned for narcotic properties.”
“Connoisseurs of whiskey might detect a note of Vulcan Sweet Water, Opium, LSD and Lithium, Hawk blood, all in a velvety smooth acidic, radioactive casks.”
“I ask you for the sake of future generations, only use shot glasses. It is the kind of drink that will either kill you or may turn you into a superhero.”
“You have Vulcan port.”
“I took one shot of Vulcan port. I woke up two months later in Finland, naked. I could Speak Finnish.”
“How did you get it?”
“A gift of a Vulcan National. Two casks are to be analyzed on the molecular level for future generations. You will be drinking the Last Vulcan Tsavre Port in existance. The only remaining evidence of these creatures. They are begging us to drink them. To experience their life and be reborn. Do you understand what this means?”
“And take it easy Sulu. Dr. McCoy will be super pissed if I Have to get you new kidneys.”
Some of the crewmates were completely silenced.
“That does sound kind of cool.” Sulu thought to himself. But this was the guy who was the first one to try Scotty’s Plomik Vodka. After Scotty’s illegal homebrew there were no more worlds to conquer.
****Everyone on Alpha Shift was prepared. Even Bones and the Medibay. Perhaps Spock would feel better very soon. Kirk went to a quiet sleep on Christmas Eve, knowing Spock’s present would be ready for tomorrow.
link to part 2