HAPPY BIRTHDAY to two beautiful girls
Jessey is twenty-three. Chyanne is twenty-two years shy of that. God bless these wonderful women, or in Chy's case, yet to be a woman. It was good seeing my second family again.
I've been grieving I think. I have to be. I'm not only physically fatiqued; I am broken. My branches of hope have been pruned once again. I didn't know it would hurt this badly. I thought I had already broken them off and was willing to put them in the pile to be burned. Not so. I was more attached than I thought I was.
So the first night I was desperately sad. I felt so foolish. Afterall, that is what I had been I suppose. I was not blind, but I chose not to see it. I had reason to choose oblivion. He lied to me and lead me on. He's a great actor. He may not even know it.
Abruptly after that night I was so angry. at him ... and mostly myself. Or at the lies my brother bought into years ago, that the enemy has distorted so much. All of the above really. I am still angry. Now we've gone from every-other-day affection and quality time, to once-in-a-while small talk. I'm angry that I've lost a best friend. At least I feel like I've lost him. A part of my love for him must die ... or I can't move on.
Thus, I am left with a bit of guilt. Did I turn him off somewhere in the beginning? Did I rush things? I must have screwed it up somehow (I didn't always love him fearlessly). Have I wasted so much time? Did I not pray hard enough before I met him? Am I still not praying hard enough? What made me think I was actually submitting these emotions daily? I was. I am. I can't blame myself, but boy, it's a lot better than blaming him. I love him too much to stay mad.
I know I can't let the guilt overpower God's grace. It just hurts when I'm wrong. So here I go again...
naked and broken before Him. I can offer nothing but gratitude. I can take only what He is willing to give me. And I'll be ok.
Thank God He doesn't always give me what I want. For He always gives me something so much better.
"Before I met you, I chose not to like you." -A man incapable of falling for me
"There is no greater love than when I man lays his life down for a friend." -Apostle John
"The fact that you're no longer afraid of loving him proves you're capable of loving someone else." -Doog
"You need to let yourself grieve." -Luken
"Why wouldn't a guy want to be with you? I mean, look at you! They'd have to be stupid!" -Daddy
"The Lord your Maker is your husband ... " -Isaiah
I've been grieving I think. I have to be. I'm not only physically fatiqued; I am broken. My branches of hope have been pruned once again. I didn't know it would hurt this badly. I thought I had already broken them off and was willing to put them in the pile to be burned. Not so. I was more attached than I thought I was.
So the first night I was desperately sad. I felt so foolish. Afterall, that is what I had been I suppose. I was not blind, but I chose not to see it. I had reason to choose oblivion. He lied to me and lead me on. He's a great actor. He may not even know it.
Abruptly after that night I was so angry. at him ... and mostly myself. Or at the lies my brother bought into years ago, that the enemy has distorted so much. All of the above really. I am still angry. Now we've gone from every-other-day affection and quality time, to once-in-a-while small talk. I'm angry that I've lost a best friend. At least I feel like I've lost him. A part of my love for him must die ... or I can't move on.
Thus, I am left with a bit of guilt. Did I turn him off somewhere in the beginning? Did I rush things? I must have screwed it up somehow (I didn't always love him fearlessly). Have I wasted so much time? Did I not pray hard enough before I met him? Am I still not praying hard enough? What made me think I was actually submitting these emotions daily? I was. I am. I can't blame myself, but boy, it's a lot better than blaming him. I love him too much to stay mad.
I know I can't let the guilt overpower God's grace. It just hurts when I'm wrong. So here I go again...
naked and broken before Him. I can offer nothing but gratitude. I can take only what He is willing to give me. And I'll be ok.
Thank God He doesn't always give me what I want. For He always gives me something so much better.
"Before I met you, I chose not to like you." -A man incapable of falling for me
"There is no greater love than when I man lays his life down for a friend." -Apostle John
"The fact that you're no longer afraid of loving him proves you're capable of loving someone else." -Doog
"You need to let yourself grieve." -Luken
"Why wouldn't a guy want to be with you? I mean, look at you! They'd have to be stupid!" -Daddy
"The Lord your Maker is your husband ... " -Isaiah