what the hell
sometimes I don't know what I do wrong, others, I do. There are other times when I know I've done something, but not something that is deserving of the treatment I receive from doing it. Saying words to someone that they said to me many times before, receives a 'Fuck you' and a sudden hanging up of phone, seems very hypocritical to me. I am supposed to take the abuse of "you're just imagining things" or "you're just hearing what you want to hear", but when i give it back, I am the bad guy.
I then try to make contact later, calling, leaving messages which are ignored.
Why bother?
Because my heart tells me to. My heart tells me to apologize when it wasn't my fault. I hate strife and anger and say anything to make it go away, even if in my heart I know it's not true. I apologize.
It leaves me feeling kind of hollow, at times. But when I speak my mind, I get told I'm wrong, in so many words. But by saying that, I am 'just hearing what i want to hear." or some such thing, at least that's what I'm told. I don't know anymore. I'm starting to feel less like me and more like what I've been made to be like some unusual Pavlovian experiment; conditioned.
I don't feel this way often, and less often now than in the past. But it still hurts when it does.
Two tarot cards are pulled from my deck at random: Completion of a cycle, and working together to accomplish a goal.
This will all pass, I know. It's just hard when it happens. We're both stressed with wedding, building a house, getting a job, etc. It's affected my performance at work in a large way. I'm burnt out. The times when I'm enjoying myself with my friends, I'm made to feel guilty for not spending time on the phone with they who called, when even I myself had a day that made me seriously consider seeking alcohol or some other depressent to allieviate my inner pain.
I don't talk much about my pain, anxiety, stress that I feel daily. I keep it to myself. Sure, I bitch on here about HP and stuff. That is just explosions of anger. But that's not what I'm feeling at all other times. Those times are mostly frustration, anxiety, stress, wrath, disbelief... more anxiety, stress, and frustration squared. Impatience is high on the list as well. People at work being self centered and inconsiderate, customers treating me as if I were a machine, a slave, like I am not a person. Getting yelled at, threatened, sworn at, cursed to hell, on a daily basis (Yes, this does happen). I tend to come home seeking a bit of relaxation, joyful time with friends and family, and am denyed this at times.
I just want to voice my own prorities sometimes... I guess I'm too accomodating for others. I'm told that.. at work, by a couple fellow associates. I don't know if it's true.. I just want to be nice.
I'm addicted to suffering maybe... being the sacrifice so others can be happy. Maybe I glorify in my martyrdom.
Tarot card drawn: Isolation.. Need new channels of communication with others.
I definately feel that's true. I feel isolated quite often.. lonely. I can feel who I am receeding deeper into me, hiding behind an exterior of friendly salesperson, Pushing that persona farther to the forefront, making it all the more a facade.
I am complete in my incompleteness. I understand that I don't understand.
I want to.... I want.... ...
.... I dont know what I want.
Don't worry about me... these feelings will pass. they always do. Say a prayer for the world.
Peace.
I then try to make contact later, calling, leaving messages which are ignored.
Why bother?
Because my heart tells me to. My heart tells me to apologize when it wasn't my fault. I hate strife and anger and say anything to make it go away, even if in my heart I know it's not true. I apologize.
It leaves me feeling kind of hollow, at times. But when I speak my mind, I get told I'm wrong, in so many words. But by saying that, I am 'just hearing what i want to hear." or some such thing, at least that's what I'm told. I don't know anymore. I'm starting to feel less like me and more like what I've been made to be like some unusual Pavlovian experiment; conditioned.
I don't feel this way often, and less often now than in the past. But it still hurts when it does.
Two tarot cards are pulled from my deck at random: Completion of a cycle, and working together to accomplish a goal.
This will all pass, I know. It's just hard when it happens. We're both stressed with wedding, building a house, getting a job, etc. It's affected my performance at work in a large way. I'm burnt out. The times when I'm enjoying myself with my friends, I'm made to feel guilty for not spending time on the phone with they who called, when even I myself had a day that made me seriously consider seeking alcohol or some other depressent to allieviate my inner pain.
I don't talk much about my pain, anxiety, stress that I feel daily. I keep it to myself. Sure, I bitch on here about HP and stuff. That is just explosions of anger. But that's not what I'm feeling at all other times. Those times are mostly frustration, anxiety, stress, wrath, disbelief... more anxiety, stress, and frustration squared. Impatience is high on the list as well. People at work being self centered and inconsiderate, customers treating me as if I were a machine, a slave, like I am not a person. Getting yelled at, threatened, sworn at, cursed to hell, on a daily basis (Yes, this does happen). I tend to come home seeking a bit of relaxation, joyful time with friends and family, and am denyed this at times.
I just want to voice my own prorities sometimes... I guess I'm too accomodating for others. I'm told that.. at work, by a couple fellow associates. I don't know if it's true.. I just want to be nice.
I'm addicted to suffering maybe... being the sacrifice so others can be happy. Maybe I glorify in my martyrdom.
Tarot card drawn: Isolation.. Need new channels of communication with others.
I definately feel that's true. I feel isolated quite often.. lonely. I can feel who I am receeding deeper into me, hiding behind an exterior of friendly salesperson, Pushing that persona farther to the forefront, making it all the more a facade.
I am complete in my incompleteness. I understand that I don't understand.
I want to.... I want.... ...
.... I dont know what I want.
Don't worry about me... these feelings will pass. they always do. Say a prayer for the world.
Peace.