Stuff
Putting on the mein of being happy is becoming more and more difficult as time marches on.
I'm sure if anyone cared to, they could see through the thin veneer but I don't think anyone would care to. People have their own problems. Mine aren't important to anyone.
There are reasons, I am sure. . I think, maybe once people get to know me, I am just not likable. Maybe I am annoying. I think I am. I am annoying.
I am irritating. I am wrong.
It's easier to say these things now. I can type them more easily. Sure, there's no audience here for me anymore. Maybe that's why I can do it. But I can also say it aloud. Knowing it makes life easier. Keeps conflicts down. Makes things bearable. Thinking I am right really never has helped me. I probably was wrong anyways, so why defend it?
Easier this way. I'm rarely ever heard anyways.
Emotionally starved and what little is left is kept nervous, drained. I miss Feeling things. I am quick to anger on occasion... though I think I always have been. It's been a battle since pretty much all of my family line are very aggressive and angry. It's difficult to suppress the genetics. But when it comes to love, my girls receive it and are wonderful. Someday, maybe she will too, again. Until then I will just subsist.
I am wrong.
I am irritating.
I am at fault.
I am an inconvenience.
I do my best. Try to be supportive to those around me. I show interest, genuine interest in others around me.
Transparent.
If I vanished, would I be missed by any besides my daughters? even them?
Probably, in some fashion. I don't plan on leaving or vanishing or whatever. I want to be the best Daddy I can. I wish I could be the best husband I could too. Just never get the chance. Someday. A lot is going on right now, has gone on.. 2016 has been a bad year to understate it. The last two years have been very very hard. Maybe things will be better soon?
I am a burden.
I hold people back.
I repel people.
...Maybe not.
I hope I bring happiness to someone in this world. At least, a little bit. To make this whole life thing worth while.
I'll be patient. I'll just be There. I'll be supportive. I'll help all I can. I will do all I can to alleviate others' burdens. I will be the silent, unheard helper. I can't expect anything. But I won't stop being there for my family, my kids, my wife.
They have their own problems. I can be there to help them... if they need me, want me to. I'll do all I can to support.
I think part of me has died over the past few years. I wonder if I can ever get it back. I feel like a husk of a human with occasional sparks of life.
every day I feel like I let people down.
*sighs*
...
...I hope no one reads this. Just one of those things I wanted to type somewhere. I guess maybe a stranger could give sympathy.
I should delete this
I probably will. I'll let it sit a few days before I do. Maybe.
I'm sure if anyone cared to, they could see through the thin veneer but I don't think anyone would care to. People have their own problems. Mine aren't important to anyone.
There are reasons, I am sure. . I think, maybe once people get to know me, I am just not likable. Maybe I am annoying. I think I am. I am annoying.
I am irritating. I am wrong.
It's easier to say these things now. I can type them more easily. Sure, there's no audience here for me anymore. Maybe that's why I can do it. But I can also say it aloud. Knowing it makes life easier. Keeps conflicts down. Makes things bearable. Thinking I am right really never has helped me. I probably was wrong anyways, so why defend it?
Easier this way. I'm rarely ever heard anyways.
Emotionally starved and what little is left is kept nervous, drained. I miss Feeling things. I am quick to anger on occasion... though I think I always have been. It's been a battle since pretty much all of my family line are very aggressive and angry. It's difficult to suppress the genetics. But when it comes to love, my girls receive it and are wonderful. Someday, maybe she will too, again. Until then I will just subsist.
I am wrong.
I am irritating.
I am at fault.
I am an inconvenience.
I do my best. Try to be supportive to those around me. I show interest, genuine interest in others around me.
Transparent.
If I vanished, would I be missed by any besides my daughters? even them?
Probably, in some fashion. I don't plan on leaving or vanishing or whatever. I want to be the best Daddy I can. I wish I could be the best husband I could too. Just never get the chance. Someday. A lot is going on right now, has gone on.. 2016 has been a bad year to understate it. The last two years have been very very hard. Maybe things will be better soon?
I am a burden.
I hold people back.
I repel people.
...Maybe not.
I hope I bring happiness to someone in this world. At least, a little bit. To make this whole life thing worth while.
I'll be patient. I'll just be There. I'll be supportive. I'll help all I can. I will do all I can to alleviate others' burdens. I will be the silent, unheard helper. I can't expect anything. But I won't stop being there for my family, my kids, my wife.
They have their own problems. I can be there to help them... if they need me, want me to. I'll do all I can to support.
I think part of me has died over the past few years. I wonder if I can ever get it back. I feel like a husk of a human with occasional sparks of life.
every day I feel like I let people down.
*sighs*
...
...I hope no one reads this. Just one of those things I wanted to type somewhere. I guess maybe a stranger could give sympathy.
I should delete this
I probably will. I'll let it sit a few days before I do. Maybe.