DUET 4: imera and teenage_hustler
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Title: Rules of Dating
Author: imera
Rating:PG
Word Count: 2465 words
Summary: She doesn’t need to date, but that won’t stop Draco from setting her up with a young boy toy of his choice.
Warnings: none
Author's Note(s): One of my few times attempting to write a funny fic.
Hermione sat in the small French café with her lukewarm coffee, waiting for her partner to show up. Faint music was playing in the background, calming her as she read the files in front of her. Her partner was half an hour late, but she refused to allow herself to get worked up over his usual annoying behaviour.
The young waiter asked her if there was anything else she required, and feeling slightly bad for having ordered nothing, she asked for a bagel and another coffee.
Barely a minute after he left, someone slammed a book on her table, startling her. “What the...” she said as she looked up at the one responsible; it was Draco. “You’re late, and then you try to frighten me to death?” Although they had quite different personalities, they had proved time after time that, together, they were able to solve cases, push new laws through the Ministry, and still be friends by the end of the day.
“You must be old," he said, “if you think it’s proper to make old people jokes about yourself.”
“And you’re clearly a child, who hasn’t even learned to tell the proper time yet,” she snapped back, hating him for always trying to scare her.
“Is that any way to talk about your partner? For your information, I was out yesterday, all night long, with this young girl who thought I looked like some famous Muggle man.”
Hermione rolled her eyes, preparing herself for another one of his amazing past-bedtime adventure stories. “She goes to dance school, and let me tell you, some of the moves she did - magnificent!”
“That’s enough! I don’t want to hear your sexual stories, especially not with someone half your age.”
“Hey, I’m only living my life.”
They had both passed forty - or more correctly, they were both dangerously close to fifty - and were both alone after having gone through a divorce, Draco’s being far more brutal than Hermione’s. When Astoria decided to leave Draco for another man, demanding that Scorpius should live with her, Hermione was there for him, and when she and Ron decided that, even though they did care for each other, they didn’t love each other in the way they used to, Draco was there for her.
“So, we should get on with this case,” said Hermione. “Apparently, Miss Asher became involved with someone we believe is quite high up in an extremist group, and she is willing to give us information if we can get her safely away from them.” Even after the Death Eaters were taken down there were still those who fought for blood purity, and even though they hadn’t attacked, the Ministry wanted them before they could cause any damage.
“Before we discuss the case,” said Draco, “we have an even more important matter - your sex life.” Hermione rolled her eyes. “When was the last time you had sex, or when was the last time you went out on a date?”
“My dating life is none of your concern; now please pay attention to the case, we have to decide what to do.”
“You know what we’ll do, and so do I, so we don’t need this meeting to decide our next action. And I agree, your dating life is none of my concern, so we should discuss your sex life instead.”
“Must I specify everything? My dating and sex life is none of your concern.”
“It is when it’s affecting your mood; clearly you need a man, and you need him bad.”
“Please concentrate,” Hermione begged, not wanting to discuss anything to do with her private life.
“I am concentrating. Clearly, I can’t ask any of my friends to have sex with you, as most are still married, and the others are not into bossy girls.”
“Oh, so because I’m bossy in my daily work I’m bossy in bed, is that what you’re saying? So you must be an egotistical prat in bed.”
“Don’t attack me, I’m not the one staying in all night, afraid to try out a new boy toy.” Hermione rolled her eyes; she knew that arguing would get her nowhere, so she closed her mouth and let him talk for a minute. It was the same old - telling her she wasn’t getting any younger, telling her how her life was simply passing her by, and how she was the right age for those boys who needed a sugar mama, a term he learned from all the Muggle girls he dated.
Hermione was shocked the first time he had taken the trip out of the Magical world, as he had never been with anyone not pure blooded. It didn’t take long before the shock turned into annoyance as he admitted the only reason he went out to the Muggle nightclub was because the girls were easier, especially when he flaunted his money, and it didn’t hurt that none of them were familiar with his past, so all he had to say was that he was royalty.
“You keep talking about this as if I will die all alone,” said Hermione. “Trust me, if I feel lonely I will go out and find my own date, and it won’t be someone who is as young, or younger, than my own children.”
“Who said anything about dating? I’m talking about sex.”
“I’m perfectly fine with my sex life as well; I don’t need your dating tips or recommendations.”
“You clearly do, as you’ve not dated anyone since you and your husband split, and before that there were a few times in school, which can hardly be called dates. I mean, there was one who used you as a trophy, and another who enjoyed the silence of your company.” Hermione had lived to regret telling him of her past, every time he decided to bring up her lack of dates.
“And you’re clearly overcompensating,” she said, “and acting like a dirty old man who is afraid of relationships. The closest one to your age was seventeen years younger than you; clearly you’re afraid of dating someone the same age as you?”
“Oh, I know I’m one of those dirty old men who go after those who are young enough to be my children, but at least I’m not going after those who could be my great granddaughters, like some of the stories I’ve heard.” Hermione rolled her eyes, knowing perfectly well which famous man he was referring to. As he explored the Muggle world after deciding it was the right place to pick up girls, he learned a few things; sadly that knowledge was limited to girls. “So, back to the one who is clearly in denial.”
“I am not.” It was ridiculous how they had switched from the case to her sex life. And she was worried that the only way to make him stop was to agree to a date with a stranger, who would most likely be half her age. “Stop it! We’re here because a girl needs our help, and we need information.”
“Yes, I need information, and you’re the girl who needs help - although, I’m not sure if I can call you a girl... maybe young elderly woman. That fits, don’t you think?” She knew it was all a joke, but his rudeness still earned him a hard punch in his shoulder. “Hey, what was that for?”
“For being an ass.”
“Maybe if you’d answer me then I wouldn’t have to turn into an ass in order to get information.”
“I’ve told you, I’m happy; I don’t need any men, and especially not any boys. All I want to do is do my assignment, help this girl, and go home.”
“Only if you’re willing to date whomever I find for you; deal?”
“And let me guess, you won’t stop nagging until you’ve got your will?” Draco nodded, and Hermione sighed, then closed the folder. “Fine, one date, and then I never want to hear anything about dating again, agreed?”
“Sneaky! Well, I can be sneaky as well. You also have to follow the rules of dating.”
“And what will I get in return?”
“A complimentary breakfast, I will be your secretary for the next two cases, and maybe an orgasm from the lucky boy.”
“Ten cases, and I want dinner as well.” Hermione wouldn’t argue on the last point as nothing she said would change it.
“Fine, ten cases, breakfast and dinner.” Hermione smiled; at least she would get something for going on a blind date with some random boy, who she would most likely not find interesting. “Let’s get started - and you might take out one of your quills for this. First of all, don’t discuss kids. When you’re on the date, you’re single, you’re young - or as young as you can be - and you’re there to have fun. You can neither discuss school, work, nor whatever you call fun. Are you writing this down?” She rolled her eyes and pulled out her pen, which she used whenever they were in the Muggle world as a quill would bring unwanted attention.
His list continued, until she wondered if there was anything she could talk about, or if she was expected to stay silent. Hermione tried to argue and say that none of his demands would successfully get the man, who according to Draco, would secure her an orgasm.
After two pages of notes, Draco was finally done. His list contained everything from what she was allowed to talk about, to what she should order, how she should behave, and even how to dress.
“Remind me why we’re partners,” Hermione said with a heavy sigh as she rolled the parchment together.
“I assume it’s because you enjoy my presence, colourful personality, as well as my charming wit.”
“No, that’s not it; we work well together and you’re good at your job, whenever you decide to concentrate. Mark my words, Malfoy...”
“Is it Malfoy now?”
“This is the last time I will ever participate in one of your games.”
“Fine! Fine, maybe we’ll get lucky and your date will give you an orgasm which will make you crave more, either from him, or from some random bloke you meet on your trips.”
Hermione ignored his comment and continued with her request. “Just make sure he’s not younger than my own children. I don’t think I could take him seriously if he were.” Draco nodded before he turned his attention to the case, acting as if nothing special had happened between them a minute before.
It turned out Draco wasn’t planning to set her up the next day, or the next week, and when Hermione asked about it, Draco teased her by saying she was eagerly awaiting her orgasm.
It wasn’t until two months after their agreement first took place that he sat down next to her, grinning like a madman. “You’ll never guess what I’ve found for you.”
“What, did you find another dead mouse?” she asked, barely taking her eyes off her work.
“No,” he replied, annoyed she would even ask such a thing. “I’ve found someone for you, and he’s quite willing to give you a mind blowing orgasm.”
“I assure you, the only reason I’m going out on a date is because you won’t stop nagging me.”
“Are you saying I’m pushy?” Hermione nodded. “Fine, I might be, but you need to be pushed; if not you’ll end up an old spinster who hates everyone.”
“I was married.”
“But you’re not any longer.”
“And your point is?”
“You need to find someone as you’re not getting any younger.”
“Age comes from within,” she said, tired of him commenting on her age.
“But nobody will date you if you look like an old bag.” Hermione stopped writing and looked up at the man, frustrated by his constant need to make her feel like she needed someone in order to fulfil her life.
“If you mention my looks again, I will stab your hand with my quill, is that understood?”
“Fine with me,” he said, not sounding too worried about her threat. “Here is all the information you’ll need. Make sure you study your notes, and then I’m sure everything will be just fine.” Hermione accepted the piece of parchment offered, and watched him leave her desk. The note contained a date, time and place, and he finished by being naughty, suggesting she should wear no underwear.
“In your dreams,” she told the note and folded it before she pushed it down in her pocket.
And that was how she ended up outside a fancy restaurant, her hair tied up in a fancy bun, wearing the red dress she wore for special occasions, being as dolled up as Draco demanded. It was stupid, dressing up to go on a blind date with a stranger who she was certain would be the same age as her children. It was stupid, and pathetic, but she had agreed to try it.
She didn’t know how long she was expected to wait outside the restaurant, but after thirty minutes she was certain the boy had changed his mind. She was trying to decide whether she should leave or not when she saw a familiar face amongst the crowd.
Draco Malfoy was dressed in an expensive suit, his hair, which had several grey streaks through it, combed perfectly to the side. He was smiling, but it wasn't the usual mocking smile, instead it was genuine.
“What are you doing here?” Hermione asked as she walked towards him. “Are you here to see just what a fool I’m making of myself by trying to flirt with a young boy?”
“I thought we had an agreement, so you better stick to your list of proper topics of conversation.” He offered her his arm, which she stared at for a second before his plan became clear to her.
“Bastard,” she uttered, surprised she had fallen for it.
“I seem to remember something about treating your date with respect,” he said, “so I’ll be ignoring that. Now, shall we?”
She wanted to tell him just how annoying she found him right then, but changed her mind as she remembered their agreement. At least she would find it easier to date him than someone as young as her children.
“Just so you know,” she began, as she accepted the arm he offered, “this does not count as the complimentary dinner.”
“Then I guess the breakfast won’t count either,” he replied with a smirk, before heading towards the restaurant.
“No, it won’t,” she replied smugly, annoyed that he had managed to trick her, but happy that she wouldn’t have to pretend to be interested in a complete stranger. She knew that if for some reason she should end up in bed with Draco, it would be because she found him interesting, not because he had tricked her.
THE END
Title: Rules of Dating
Author: imera
Rating:PG
Word Count: 2465 words
Summary: She doesn’t need to date, but that won’t stop Draco from setting her up with a young boy toy of his choice.
Warnings: none
Author's Note(s): One of my few times attempting to write a funny fic.
Hermione sat in the small French café with her lukewarm coffee, waiting for her partner to show up. Faint music was playing in the background, calming her as she read the files in front of her. Her partner was half an hour late, but she refused to allow herself to get worked up over his usual annoying behaviour.
The young waiter asked her if there was anything else she required, and feeling slightly bad for having ordered nothing, she asked for a bagel and another coffee.
Barely a minute after he left, someone slammed a book on her table, startling her. “What the...” she said as she looked up at the one responsible; it was Draco. “You’re late, and then you try to frighten me to death?” Although they had quite different personalities, they had proved time after time that, together, they were able to solve cases, push new laws through the Ministry, and still be friends by the end of the day.
“You must be old," he said, “if you think it’s proper to make old people jokes about yourself.”
“And you’re clearly a child, who hasn’t even learned to tell the proper time yet,” she snapped back, hating him for always trying to scare her.
“Is that any way to talk about your partner? For your information, I was out yesterday, all night long, with this young girl who thought I looked like some famous Muggle man.”
Hermione rolled her eyes, preparing herself for another one of his amazing past-bedtime adventure stories. “She goes to dance school, and let me tell you, some of the moves she did - magnificent!”
“That’s enough! I don’t want to hear your sexual stories, especially not with someone half your age.”
“Hey, I’m only living my life.”
They had both passed forty - or more correctly, they were both dangerously close to fifty - and were both alone after having gone through a divorce, Draco’s being far more brutal than Hermione’s. When Astoria decided to leave Draco for another man, demanding that Scorpius should live with her, Hermione was there for him, and when she and Ron decided that, even though they did care for each other, they didn’t love each other in the way they used to, Draco was there for her.
“So, we should get on with this case,” said Hermione. “Apparently, Miss Asher became involved with someone we believe is quite high up in an extremist group, and she is willing to give us information if we can get her safely away from them.” Even after the Death Eaters were taken down there were still those who fought for blood purity, and even though they hadn’t attacked, the Ministry wanted them before they could cause any damage.
“Before we discuss the case,” said Draco, “we have an even more important matter - your sex life.” Hermione rolled her eyes. “When was the last time you had sex, or when was the last time you went out on a date?”
“My dating life is none of your concern; now please pay attention to the case, we have to decide what to do.”
“You know what we’ll do, and so do I, so we don’t need this meeting to decide our next action. And I agree, your dating life is none of my concern, so we should discuss your sex life instead.”
“Must I specify everything? My dating and sex life is none of your concern.”
“It is when it’s affecting your mood; clearly you need a man, and you need him bad.”
“Please concentrate,” Hermione begged, not wanting to discuss anything to do with her private life.
“I am concentrating. Clearly, I can’t ask any of my friends to have sex with you, as most are still married, and the others are not into bossy girls.”
“Oh, so because I’m bossy in my daily work I’m bossy in bed, is that what you’re saying? So you must be an egotistical prat in bed.”
“Don’t attack me, I’m not the one staying in all night, afraid to try out a new boy toy.” Hermione rolled her eyes; she knew that arguing would get her nowhere, so she closed her mouth and let him talk for a minute. It was the same old - telling her she wasn’t getting any younger, telling her how her life was simply passing her by, and how she was the right age for those boys who needed a sugar mama, a term he learned from all the Muggle girls he dated.
Hermione was shocked the first time he had taken the trip out of the Magical world, as he had never been with anyone not pure blooded. It didn’t take long before the shock turned into annoyance as he admitted the only reason he went out to the Muggle nightclub was because the girls were easier, especially when he flaunted his money, and it didn’t hurt that none of them were familiar with his past, so all he had to say was that he was royalty.
“You keep talking about this as if I will die all alone,” said Hermione. “Trust me, if I feel lonely I will go out and find my own date, and it won’t be someone who is as young, or younger, than my own children.”
“Who said anything about dating? I’m talking about sex.”
“I’m perfectly fine with my sex life as well; I don’t need your dating tips or recommendations.”
“You clearly do, as you’ve not dated anyone since you and your husband split, and before that there were a few times in school, which can hardly be called dates. I mean, there was one who used you as a trophy, and another who enjoyed the silence of your company.” Hermione had lived to regret telling him of her past, every time he decided to bring up her lack of dates.
“And you’re clearly overcompensating,” she said, “and acting like a dirty old man who is afraid of relationships. The closest one to your age was seventeen years younger than you; clearly you’re afraid of dating someone the same age as you?”
“Oh, I know I’m one of those dirty old men who go after those who are young enough to be my children, but at least I’m not going after those who could be my great granddaughters, like some of the stories I’ve heard.” Hermione rolled her eyes, knowing perfectly well which famous man he was referring to. As he explored the Muggle world after deciding it was the right place to pick up girls, he learned a few things; sadly that knowledge was limited to girls. “So, back to the one who is clearly in denial.”
“I am not.” It was ridiculous how they had switched from the case to her sex life. And she was worried that the only way to make him stop was to agree to a date with a stranger, who would most likely be half her age. “Stop it! We’re here because a girl needs our help, and we need information.”
“Yes, I need information, and you’re the girl who needs help - although, I’m not sure if I can call you a girl... maybe young elderly woman. That fits, don’t you think?” She knew it was all a joke, but his rudeness still earned him a hard punch in his shoulder. “Hey, what was that for?”
“For being an ass.”
“Maybe if you’d answer me then I wouldn’t have to turn into an ass in order to get information.”
“I’ve told you, I’m happy; I don’t need any men, and especially not any boys. All I want to do is do my assignment, help this girl, and go home.”
“Only if you’re willing to date whomever I find for you; deal?”
“And let me guess, you won’t stop nagging until you’ve got your will?” Draco nodded, and Hermione sighed, then closed the folder. “Fine, one date, and then I never want to hear anything about dating again, agreed?”
“Sneaky! Well, I can be sneaky as well. You also have to follow the rules of dating.”
“And what will I get in return?”
“A complimentary breakfast, I will be your secretary for the next two cases, and maybe an orgasm from the lucky boy.”
“Ten cases, and I want dinner as well.” Hermione wouldn’t argue on the last point as nothing she said would change it.
“Fine, ten cases, breakfast and dinner.” Hermione smiled; at least she would get something for going on a blind date with some random boy, who she would most likely not find interesting. “Let’s get started - and you might take out one of your quills for this. First of all, don’t discuss kids. When you’re on the date, you’re single, you’re young - or as young as you can be - and you’re there to have fun. You can neither discuss school, work, nor whatever you call fun. Are you writing this down?” She rolled her eyes and pulled out her pen, which she used whenever they were in the Muggle world as a quill would bring unwanted attention.
His list continued, until she wondered if there was anything she could talk about, or if she was expected to stay silent. Hermione tried to argue and say that none of his demands would successfully get the man, who according to Draco, would secure her an orgasm.
After two pages of notes, Draco was finally done. His list contained everything from what she was allowed to talk about, to what she should order, how she should behave, and even how to dress.
“Remind me why we’re partners,” Hermione said with a heavy sigh as she rolled the parchment together.
“I assume it’s because you enjoy my presence, colourful personality, as well as my charming wit.”
“No, that’s not it; we work well together and you’re good at your job, whenever you decide to concentrate. Mark my words, Malfoy...”
“Is it Malfoy now?”
“This is the last time I will ever participate in one of your games.”
“Fine! Fine, maybe we’ll get lucky and your date will give you an orgasm which will make you crave more, either from him, or from some random bloke you meet on your trips.”
Hermione ignored his comment and continued with her request. “Just make sure he’s not younger than my own children. I don’t think I could take him seriously if he were.” Draco nodded before he turned his attention to the case, acting as if nothing special had happened between them a minute before.
It turned out Draco wasn’t planning to set her up the next day, or the next week, and when Hermione asked about it, Draco teased her by saying she was eagerly awaiting her orgasm.
It wasn’t until two months after their agreement first took place that he sat down next to her, grinning like a madman. “You’ll never guess what I’ve found for you.”
“What, did you find another dead mouse?” she asked, barely taking her eyes off her work.
“No,” he replied, annoyed she would even ask such a thing. “I’ve found someone for you, and he’s quite willing to give you a mind blowing orgasm.”
“I assure you, the only reason I’m going out on a date is because you won’t stop nagging me.”
“Are you saying I’m pushy?” Hermione nodded. “Fine, I might be, but you need to be pushed; if not you’ll end up an old spinster who hates everyone.”
“I was married.”
“But you’re not any longer.”
“And your point is?”
“You need to find someone as you’re not getting any younger.”
“Age comes from within,” she said, tired of him commenting on her age.
“But nobody will date you if you look like an old bag.” Hermione stopped writing and looked up at the man, frustrated by his constant need to make her feel like she needed someone in order to fulfil her life.
“If you mention my looks again, I will stab your hand with my quill, is that understood?”
“Fine with me,” he said, not sounding too worried about her threat. “Here is all the information you’ll need. Make sure you study your notes, and then I’m sure everything will be just fine.” Hermione accepted the piece of parchment offered, and watched him leave her desk. The note contained a date, time and place, and he finished by being naughty, suggesting she should wear no underwear.
“In your dreams,” she told the note and folded it before she pushed it down in her pocket.
And that was how she ended up outside a fancy restaurant, her hair tied up in a fancy bun, wearing the red dress she wore for special occasions, being as dolled up as Draco demanded. It was stupid, dressing up to go on a blind date with a stranger who she was certain would be the same age as her children. It was stupid, and pathetic, but she had agreed to try it.
She didn’t know how long she was expected to wait outside the restaurant, but after thirty minutes she was certain the boy had changed his mind. She was trying to decide whether she should leave or not when she saw a familiar face amongst the crowd.
Draco Malfoy was dressed in an expensive suit, his hair, which had several grey streaks through it, combed perfectly to the side. He was smiling, but it wasn't the usual mocking smile, instead it was genuine.
“What are you doing here?” Hermione asked as she walked towards him. “Are you here to see just what a fool I’m making of myself by trying to flirt with a young boy?”
“I thought we had an agreement, so you better stick to your list of proper topics of conversation.” He offered her his arm, which she stared at for a second before his plan became clear to her.
“Bastard,” she uttered, surprised she had fallen for it.
“I seem to remember something about treating your date with respect,” he said, “so I’ll be ignoring that. Now, shall we?”
She wanted to tell him just how annoying she found him right then, but changed her mind as she remembered their agreement. At least she would find it easier to date him than someone as young as her children.
“Just so you know,” she began, as she accepted the arm he offered, “this does not count as the complimentary dinner.”
“Then I guess the breakfast won’t count either,” he replied with a smirk, before heading towards the restaurant.
“No, it won’t,” she replied smugly, annoyed that he had managed to trick her, but happy that she wouldn’t have to pretend to be interested in a complete stranger. She knew that if for some reason she should end up in bed with Draco, it would be because she found him interesting, not because he had tricked her.
THE END