my weakness is i care too much.
i have written several entries in the past few weeks, but i always end up deleting them because i will read them over again and feel like im asking for a pity party. i dont want a pity party, because if we're being honest, i host enough of them by myself as it is. All i want is to feel better. I want nothing more than to feel somewhat sane again.
all i want to do is sit here and apologize over and over again for making everyone put up with me right now. but i know that i shouldnt have to do that because no one is perfect and everyone has their moments. unfortunately, i wish my moments were fewer in number. I feel so awful that i am putting everyone through this, that I am trying SO hard to change and trying SO hard to fix things that it is ending up having a reverse affect. I just need to learn to let it go... I need to learn that whats meant to be will be. I cant control everything the way i want to and attempting to do so obviously just makes it worse. I also need to stop worrying about what all of this is doing to other people and worry about what it is doing to myself. The people who love me will stand by me if they can and thats all i can ask for. If I dont handle myself in the proper way, how can i ever expect everyone around me to do so.
I want to feel carefree again. Jumping around, laughing, without a care in the world. I want to smile and mean it. I want to feel beautiful when someone tells me i am. i want to make everyone want to be around me. i want to make people jealous. i want to be unafraid. i want to trust in myself. i want to learn to let go. i want to turn everything negative into something positive. i want to know that everything is going to be ok...
but most importantly i want you.
and i have come to learn that the things you're scared of are usually the most worthwhile<3
all i want to do is sit here and apologize over and over again for making everyone put up with me right now. but i know that i shouldnt have to do that because no one is perfect and everyone has their moments. unfortunately, i wish my moments were fewer in number. I feel so awful that i am putting everyone through this, that I am trying SO hard to change and trying SO hard to fix things that it is ending up having a reverse affect. I just need to learn to let it go... I need to learn that whats meant to be will be. I cant control everything the way i want to and attempting to do so obviously just makes it worse. I also need to stop worrying about what all of this is doing to other people and worry about what it is doing to myself. The people who love me will stand by me if they can and thats all i can ask for. If I dont handle myself in the proper way, how can i ever expect everyone around me to do so.
I want to feel carefree again. Jumping around, laughing, without a care in the world. I want to smile and mean it. I want to feel beautiful when someone tells me i am. i want to make everyone want to be around me. i want to make people jealous. i want to be unafraid. i want to trust in myself. i want to learn to let go. i want to turn everything negative into something positive. i want to know that everything is going to be ok...
but most importantly i want you.
and i have come to learn that the things you're scared of are usually the most worthwhile<3