walking on eggshells

[dramaticirony66]

I decided to put my frustrations behind a lj cut so you don't feel obligated to read it

I'm furious 
I'm not sure if I'm angry at myself or at someone else or what

I'm just so frustrated at these ridiculous mood swings.  I woke up this morning feeling great and loving the fact that I was happy for hours on end...and then night falls...and I run out of things to occupy my time with..and then I start thinking.  I keep imagining everyone hating me...

I don't want to be shadowed...

I'm scared...I'm scared that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life..

I know that these are paranoid and unrealistic and possibly even hypocritical fears, but its what I feel

I just want to be perfect.

I'm angry because I watched my performance in step on a crack and I think its like the worst thing on the planet...It makes me want to throw up.  I sped my lines up, I played with my finernails, and I put emphasis on the wrong words.

I'm upset because I am jealous and needy and no one wants to be around someone like that.

I feel dumb for putting way to much hope and faith in my out look on life.  If I had just been as realistic as I make myself sound...then I wouldn't be in half the messes I am in right now.

I want to be worth something again...I want to have a purpose again...