(no subject)
ugh---- Why ---- ---- ---- --- -- -------? and Why ---- -- ---- --- -- ----? and How do I ---- ---- ---- --?
so, that's my mood .....
yesterday was quite possibly the worst day I've had this year--
so I woke up at 6am-- I had to go to the doctor for my donor stuff--that went well, however I was super tired-so I came home and went back to bed- only to get woken up when I didn't want to get woken up--but that shall remain in my thoughts and not on my journal.....
so then after I woke up- and had to run a few errands-- I came home to find out that my grandmother had just passed away-- I mean- it's not news- she was sick and the doctor gave her only 3-6 months back in November- so she has been stubborn- but she went peacefully in her sleep- although we knew it was coming- it still sucks--so I spent the rest of the afternoon on the phone with family members--( i'm the one that had to call my mother-- cuz my dad's a jerk)
so then after a few more hours of ---- ---- ----- ----- I went to rehearsal.
it was nice having New there to talk to- but I still didn't feel like talking- but then my neices called me- so I had to tell them about grandma too. ugh--
so rehearsal was an emotional rollercoaster--- I felt really good about some of the scenes-- but then others..... that dang Gallop Apace scene will be the death of me!!! I feel like i can't let go in it and it hurts my brain!!! oh well- it will come-- it usually does... I think...
so anyway--- my shots are still going strong-- and going well- although I'm COVERED with bruises- and look like a heroin junkie-- my stomach is black and blue- and my thighs are black and blue--- pretty hot yes? ugh-- so needless to say- my estrogen counts are HIGHER THAN NORMAL!!! so I'm really emotional- and of course- I feel fat, ugly, useless, friendless, and hateful- that's quite a fun mix- upset that I'm gross- but hate everyone who tells me different-- hmmmm.....
so there's so much stuff going on--however I am choosing to keep it to myself- for now-
but hopefully this wknd will be better- The snaggs are playing in the city- and I'm off work-- and a bunch of people say they are coming in- and i really hope they do- and if the "underage" one can't get in..then we shall just hang out at my place or andrew's place--but still I cannot drink---
o-k, anyway---I need Ky time-- right now I hate- and I hate a lot-- I'm sick of ----------- right now-
and I'm sick of people worrying about me- I'm sick of feeling like I can't do it on my own when I've been doing it on my own for many many years-- but now someone helps- and suddenly I'm a helpless child---
UGH---I need a break from reality- and all i have right now is R&J- then i can pretend to be someone else that is loved and beautiful-and blah----
ugh- so my dad just called- he thinks the funeral will be fri am--- so I can make it- i'm sure I will have a doc appt at like 7am--so hopefully it will be at like 10am- so I can drive like a bat out of hell to get there-- then hang out for the will crap- then drive back home--- man I need a drink- this detox time is rougher that I thought it would be--
anyway- I'm gonna go get in the shower---i need to think--
sorry if this sounds like crazy talk--- I'm fine- really I'm fine---don't worry---I just really want to be left alone---
so, that's my mood .....
yesterday was quite possibly the worst day I've had this year--
so I woke up at 6am-- I had to go to the doctor for my donor stuff--that went well, however I was super tired-so I came home and went back to bed- only to get woken up when I didn't want to get woken up--but that shall remain in my thoughts and not on my journal.....
so then after I woke up- and had to run a few errands-- I came home to find out that my grandmother had just passed away-- I mean- it's not news- she was sick and the doctor gave her only 3-6 months back in November- so she has been stubborn- but she went peacefully in her sleep- although we knew it was coming- it still sucks--so I spent the rest of the afternoon on the phone with family members--( i'm the one that had to call my mother-- cuz my dad's a jerk)
so then after a few more hours of ---- ---- ----- ----- I went to rehearsal.
it was nice having New there to talk to- but I still didn't feel like talking- but then my neices called me- so I had to tell them about grandma too. ugh--
so rehearsal was an emotional rollercoaster--- I felt really good about some of the scenes-- but then others..... that dang Gallop Apace scene will be the death of me!!! I feel like i can't let go in it and it hurts my brain!!! oh well- it will come-- it usually does... I think...
so anyway--- my shots are still going strong-- and going well- although I'm COVERED with bruises- and look like a heroin junkie-- my stomach is black and blue- and my thighs are black and blue--- pretty hot yes? ugh-- so needless to say- my estrogen counts are HIGHER THAN NORMAL!!! so I'm really emotional- and of course- I feel fat, ugly, useless, friendless, and hateful- that's quite a fun mix- upset that I'm gross- but hate everyone who tells me different-- hmmmm.....
so there's so much stuff going on--however I am choosing to keep it to myself- for now-
but hopefully this wknd will be better- The snaggs are playing in the city- and I'm off work-- and a bunch of people say they are coming in- and i really hope they do- and if the "underage" one can't get in..then we shall just hang out at my place or andrew's place--but still I cannot drink---
o-k, anyway---I need Ky time-- right now I hate- and I hate a lot-- I'm sick of ----------- right now-
and I'm sick of people worrying about me- I'm sick of feeling like I can't do it on my own when I've been doing it on my own for many many years-- but now someone helps- and suddenly I'm a helpless child---
UGH---I need a break from reality- and all i have right now is R&J- then i can pretend to be someone else that is loved and beautiful-and blah----
ugh- so my dad just called- he thinks the funeral will be fri am--- so I can make it- i'm sure I will have a doc appt at like 7am--so hopefully it will be at like 10am- so I can drive like a bat out of hell to get there-- then hang out for the will crap- then drive back home--- man I need a drink- this detox time is rougher that I thought it would be--
anyway- I'm gonna go get in the shower---i need to think--
sorry if this sounds like crazy talk--- I'm fine- really I'm fine---don't worry---I just really want to be left alone---