(no subject)
i am in such a weird place right now. i miss taylor soooo much, but there is something in my head saying that if i call him or something he will think i am bothering him too much, and he will break up with me. so i dont. so i wait for him to call me. but it seems like our schedules are ALWAYS off. whenever he calls earlier in the night i am out with my friends, and whenever i call earlier in the night he is out with his friends. he is definitely out with his friends more than i am out. i feel like an old lady, i work really hard during the day and at night i am so tired i dont want to go out. not that anyone asks me to do anything anyway. not that there is anything whatsoever to do in brentwood anyway. but i feel like his social life is so active he doesnt have time for me. i know it is completely irrational, but i can't shake the feeling. i'll call him and we wont have any time to talk because he just stepped out of the room for a sec while he talks to me. he never tells me he cant talk when this happens, but i know that he is at a friends house and i feel bad talking to him for a while and taking away from their time with him. i dont want to tell him im upset because my brain says that if i do that he will be like well you have your life in tennessee and i have my life in vermont. thats how it works. thats what i would say if i werent so emotionally invested. i guess im just feeling a little unwanted, and i know that sounds horrible, cause when i do talk to him it seems like he really does want to talk to me. its just that, i see my sisters, and they both "dont have boyfriends" or at least thats what they say, but they really do, and like over the weekend it seemed like their "non boyfriends" were either calling them every hour and saying cute things like, "i was just thinking about you, so i thought i would give you a call and see how you were doing" or text messaging them every 5 min. and i am the only one not on the phone twenty four seven with my boyfriend, and i dont even get to talk to him really before i go to bed most nights. i have been dating taylor for almost 6 months now....they've been dating their "non" boyfriends for maybe a couple weeks. tracy told me when me and taylor were having trouble at the end of the year that he told her that he didnt want to talk to me every night and he needed some space from me. he says his mind was just in a weird place that night, and that that isnt what he wanted, and so i thought everything was ok, but i feel like this is just a passive way of going about that. like he doesnt want to talk to me every night, and he's not necessarily using being with friends as an excuse, but it is just convenient that he cant talk. and i know he has a problem with me being paranoid about him breaking up with me. so i have really been trying not to be. and i wasnt really until i spent time with my sisters and saw how much they talked to these boys that they are "not dating". and i know it is stupid for me to measure myself against them, but i just do, and i cant help it. i love him so much, and i know he loves me, but since we are on such different schedules i just dont know if the long distance thing is working for me. i just need to be able to talk to him sometimes. like actually talk to him. i feel like i havent talked to my best friend in a month and that scares me. and a hug once in a while wouldnt be too bad either. i am sick of being really excited for night time when i get to talk to him, and then being disappointed cause he is doing something (i know he cant put his life on hold because of me. i told you, i know im irrational). and i am sick of crying myself to sleep at night