i think its time...
alright. so for as long as i can remember, i've never blown up in anybody's face. i don't get mad, and can often let things pass. but, the littlest things stick with me, and hurt for months after. and i can let go of huge brawls.
let me explain. if i get into a major fight with someone, usually i won't be bothered in a week. but if someone lets the smallest thing slip about ANYTHING i'll immediatley become upset. i can't help it. i don't know whats wrong with me. but thats the way that i am.
since the ripe young age of five, i have been concious about my weight, and the way that i look. thats ten full years of obsessing over my body. and up until the beginning of this year, i have a pretty accurate perception on the way that i look. i used to be able to look at someone and tell if they were bigger than me.
but that sense has been lost. i know that people are constantly telling me that "no lauren, you aren't that big" and i know that it seems like i'm fishing for compliments. i know that. i know i sound like an annoying whore when i ask questions like that, but i can not tell the size of my body. i look at myself in the mirror, and i see fat. thats it. i look in the mirror, and am shocked that i can barely see my whole body in the mirror. i sit at my seat in class, and think about how i can feel the rolls in my skin. i am afraid to move in fear of my entire body jiggling. fuck. it's gotten to the point where i question if i can fit through doorways. and i know i can, but i can't control the way i think.
i'm also becoming extremely paranoid. mostly about and around people. i'm happy that grace and kelsey are spending time together. i honestly am. and i'm happy that we can all spend time with eachother, and its not just one of us being left out all the time. i'm happy that i can hang out with kelsey without grace, and its ok. i'm happy that i can hang out with grace without kelsey and its ok. and i'm happy that grace and kelsey can hang out together without me. its fair.i'm happy to spend time by myself. i honestly am. i swear to god. i appreciate the time that i have in the afternoon to do homework, draw, paint, and do what i want. and i know that they don't spend the entire time talking about me, and making fun of me. i know that. i know that they love me, and that i love them. I FUCKING KNOW THAT. but why do i feel this way? why do i get the feeling that every time they're walking in the hallways, they're talking about me being annoying? or every time that they're both online they're talking about me? why do i get the feeling that they're always making fun of me behind my back? and you guys i'm not mad. i have no reason to be mad. you have no reason to be mad at me for writing this, because its just how i feel. i know you don't constantly talk abotu me, and make fun of me, but its me being paranoid.
and its not just kelsey and grace. its dylan and laura. when i'm at work are they always together talking abotu me? FUCK NO!! i'm being paranoid. when i walk into french were people just talking about me? NO!!! but why do i feel like that? why can't i get up in front of my math class any more to grab the goddamn pass to go to the bathroom, without worrying what people think about me?
why can't i put on clothes in the morning without worrying whether my pants will fit or not?
why can't i run on the treadmill in gym without thinking about how much my stomach bounces around?
why can't i walk down the hall or stand at my fucking locker without worrying how much my belly sticks out?
why am i afraid of looking down in fear of getting a double chin?
why am i afraid to eat in front of people?
why can't i go a singly fucking day without throwing up with frustration or taking it out on my side?
why can't i find a better way to take out anger?
this is honestly the way that i think on a daily basis. i can't help it. i can't stop it.
i think i'm done for now...that felt pretty good.
and this journal is about to get a little bit more personal.
peace out kids
~laurizz
ps. kelsey grace i.love.you.
let me explain. if i get into a major fight with someone, usually i won't be bothered in a week. but if someone lets the smallest thing slip about ANYTHING i'll immediatley become upset. i can't help it. i don't know whats wrong with me. but thats the way that i am.
since the ripe young age of five, i have been concious about my weight, and the way that i look. thats ten full years of obsessing over my body. and up until the beginning of this year, i have a pretty accurate perception on the way that i look. i used to be able to look at someone and tell if they were bigger than me.
but that sense has been lost. i know that people are constantly telling me that "no lauren, you aren't that big" and i know that it seems like i'm fishing for compliments. i know that. i know i sound like an annoying whore when i ask questions like that, but i can not tell the size of my body. i look at myself in the mirror, and i see fat. thats it. i look in the mirror, and am shocked that i can barely see my whole body in the mirror. i sit at my seat in class, and think about how i can feel the rolls in my skin. i am afraid to move in fear of my entire body jiggling. fuck. it's gotten to the point where i question if i can fit through doorways. and i know i can, but i can't control the way i think.
i'm also becoming extremely paranoid. mostly about and around people. i'm happy that grace and kelsey are spending time together. i honestly am. and i'm happy that we can all spend time with eachother, and its not just one of us being left out all the time. i'm happy that i can hang out with kelsey without grace, and its ok. i'm happy that i can hang out with grace without kelsey and its ok. and i'm happy that grace and kelsey can hang out together without me. its fair.i'm happy to spend time by myself. i honestly am. i swear to god. i appreciate the time that i have in the afternoon to do homework, draw, paint, and do what i want. and i know that they don't spend the entire time talking about me, and making fun of me. i know that. i know that they love me, and that i love them. I FUCKING KNOW THAT. but why do i feel this way? why do i get the feeling that every time they're walking in the hallways, they're talking about me being annoying? or every time that they're both online they're talking about me? why do i get the feeling that they're always making fun of me behind my back? and you guys i'm not mad. i have no reason to be mad. you have no reason to be mad at me for writing this, because its just how i feel. i know you don't constantly talk abotu me, and make fun of me, but its me being paranoid.
and its not just kelsey and grace. its dylan and laura. when i'm at work are they always together talking abotu me? FUCK NO!! i'm being paranoid. when i walk into french were people just talking about me? NO!!! but why do i feel like that? why can't i get up in front of my math class any more to grab the goddamn pass to go to the bathroom, without worrying what people think about me?
why can't i put on clothes in the morning without worrying whether my pants will fit or not?
why can't i run on the treadmill in gym without thinking about how much my stomach bounces around?
why can't i walk down the hall or stand at my fucking locker without worrying how much my belly sticks out?
why am i afraid of looking down in fear of getting a double chin?
why am i afraid to eat in front of people?
why can't i go a singly fucking day without throwing up with frustration or taking it out on my side?
why can't i find a better way to take out anger?
this is honestly the way that i think on a daily basis. i can't help it. i can't stop it.
i think i'm done for now...that felt pretty good.
and this journal is about to get a little bit more personal.
peace out kids
~laurizz
ps. kelsey grace i.love.you.