Farewells are never easy
I still have a lot of emotions to work through before I'm done dealing with my grief about Edrik. I've done pretty well for the last few days, but then this afternoon I couldn't help but look up more news stories about him, pictures and comments that people left about him on facebook. I'm coping through seeking out info. I guess it's a way to channel my thoughts and grief so that I actually deal with them rather them pushing them away. Just seeing a picture of him smiling makes me smile, but then it makes me want to cry. I found some new pictures of us together at various dances and other LSU activities. I instantly saved them to my computer in my attempt to horde up more tangible proof of my memories.
I keep going through wierd fazes where I really want to talk about it, followed by others where i'd rather avoid the subject like the plague. ( I haven't even told my Dad yet. He was wondering why I was so grumpy on the phone last week.) I hate this feeling that as more and more time slips past, that I am losing the window where it is "acceptable" to feel this intense of emotions. I know that this so called window of opportnity is just a figment of my imagination, but that doesn't change the fact that I will soon stop allowing myself to dwell in my grief for more than a brief moment. I'm always so concerned with keeping it together and being able to look at the bright side of life. Throughout this sadness I've still been able to feel great joy in time spent with friends and at my cousin's wedding, which I consider a triumph of my mental control. Sometimes I really have a stupid view of what constitutes my own personal strength and independence. I hope that someday I can feel comfortable just letting myself weep in someone's arms till I've drained out my sadness,rather than trying to stop up my tears in other's presence. Heck I even struggle to let myself weep when I'm alone.
I read today about some of the other fire fighters that died in the crash. My grief for Edrik is too much on its own so up until now i've avoided learning about the other victims because I couldn't handle the added weight. One of the young men hand just married his college sweet heart one month before the accident. The horror of Edrik dying is enough, but when I think about the combined tragedy of all nine people together its....
word don't do it justice.
I'll be ok though, and I have faith that this otherwordly haze I've been in for most of the last two weeks will lift eventually. I will take the lessons about living that Edrik taught me and apply them to my own life, because that is the only tribute deserving of such a wonderful person.
I keep going through wierd fazes where I really want to talk about it, followed by others where i'd rather avoid the subject like the plague. ( I haven't even told my Dad yet. He was wondering why I was so grumpy on the phone last week.) I hate this feeling that as more and more time slips past, that I am losing the window where it is "acceptable" to feel this intense of emotions. I know that this so called window of opportnity is just a figment of my imagination, but that doesn't change the fact that I will soon stop allowing myself to dwell in my grief for more than a brief moment. I'm always so concerned with keeping it together and being able to look at the bright side of life. Throughout this sadness I've still been able to feel great joy in time spent with friends and at my cousin's wedding, which I consider a triumph of my mental control. Sometimes I really have a stupid view of what constitutes my own personal strength and independence. I hope that someday I can feel comfortable just letting myself weep in someone's arms till I've drained out my sadness,rather than trying to stop up my tears in other's presence. Heck I even struggle to let myself weep when I'm alone.
I read today about some of the other fire fighters that died in the crash. My grief for Edrik is too much on its own so up until now i've avoided learning about the other victims because I couldn't handle the added weight. One of the young men hand just married his college sweet heart one month before the accident. The horror of Edrik dying is enough, but when I think about the combined tragedy of all nine people together its....
word don't do it justice.
I'll be ok though, and I have faith that this otherwordly haze I've been in for most of the last two weeks will lift eventually. I will take the lessons about living that Edrik taught me and apply them to my own life, because that is the only tribute deserving of such a wonderful person.