Hook-ups: Burning Desire or Playing with Matches?
(Yes, this was for a class.)
Hook-ups: Burning Desire or Playing with Matches?
You’re at a party. There’s good drink, good music, and really good-looking people. You’re there with your friends who’re having an awesome time, maybe dancing, maybe dominating the beer pong table. Then for one reason or another, you look out, scope the scene, maybe you thought you saw something you didn’t, but it doesn’t matter. You just saw someone special, and if you’re lucky, saw them seeing you, too.
A path almost miraculously clears between you two. Their friends casually distance themselves from that person, because they know what’s up and what’s going down. Maybe you meet halfway; a good sign. A joke is uttered, a brief introduction, maybe a refreshment of beverages or a quick dance on the floor. The typical dialogue ensues, consisting of “So what classes are you taking? ...Oh yeah? What’s your major? Oh, that’s cool. So where do you live? Oh, I know someone that lives there! Do you know (insert name here)? No? Um…so anyway…”
After awhile, the party is winding down, and this person seems all right, at least by your judgment at the present. The conversation is running a little dry and neither of you are quite sure what else to do. You don’t want to walk away because you are having a good time with this person, but the nervous pause in the conversation has just turned into an awkward silence. So the mind starts to wander. The realization comes that there’s attraction, if only fleeting, but it’s still there and will be probably for the next several hours. You’d like something to happen, that maybe they’d like something to happen, and perhaps that something is the same for both of you. It’s been shown that as bars near closing time, the occupants are found to appear more attractive as their numbers dwindle (Pennebaker, J.W., 1979). A place presents itself to do this something (if you haven’t already started in front of everyone, because we’ve all seen that happen), so you both go there together. When it’s all over, someone mentions a reason they should probably be heading out, a test or some research paper they’ve been putting off, and you separate.
Now, planning on seeing that person again? Eh, not really; if you run into them, then you run into them. But you really didn’t want anything beyond what went on; your little meeting was fine enough for you, and you’re pretty sure it was for them, too. Eventually, despite running into them at D-Hall the next morning followed by an exchange of a quick and nervous word or two then not looking up from your tray until a friend gives you the ok, you’ll probably forget about them. In the end, you’re content with the fact they’re just another member of an unacquainted society of people you’ve been with. A hook-up. We’re in college at a critical time in our lives. Our bodies are in their prime; they’re never going to look as good or be as firm as they are now. Now add that to the fact that our hormones are raging, and maybe mix a few drinks and a good beat into the equation, and you’re really cooking.
This is just one of countless ways a hook-up can go down. After all, there are many different types of hook-ups. There’s a pre-meditated hook-up, where you look in the mirror and tell yourself “Tonight, I'm going to go out, find someone, and hook-up with them.” Maybe it’s been awhile and you just need a one-way ticket to Pleasuretown, maybe you’re trying to find a rebound to help you get over someone, trying to make someone else jealous, but then again, it could also just be part of your weekend ritual. You could be looking for that certain connection that comes with hooking-up, that lovely release of endorphins that accompanies being with someone that feels the same about you as you do them, whatever that may be.
There’s the “I'm not really planning on having a hook-up, but if I see someone I like, then why should I stop myself?” So you maybe find someone that looks like they’d be up for it and you try and see if you can’t both help each other out. You might get frustrated if you don’t see someone you’d like, or if you do see someone you like and they don’t want to hook-up, but you’re still doing all right when the night is done. There’s the passive hook-up, where you think “I wouldn’t mind a hook-up, I mean, if someone wants to hook-up with me, I’ll let them.” But despite your seemingly selfless effort to let someone do with you as they please, the prospect that no one approached you could get you just a little down. You might even tell yourself before going out, “If I run across someone I think is in dire need of a hook-up, and that their life will be more complete and all around better with no negative effects, I'm going to hook-up with them or die trying.” With this one, if you go home without having one, it’s no real loss to you at all. In fact, it may even make you happier to know that everyone you’ve encountered is so well off that your generous services were not needed at this present juncture.
You could go out with the idea that you’ll have a hook-up with the hope of securing a partner, but this is dangerous territory. A “really terrible hooking up experience” can happen if one of the parties (studies have shown it’s normally the woman) going into the hook-up want a relationship (Kahn, et al, 2000). Many people will say things and make promises they don’t really intend on keeping to ensure their end of the hook-up happens. “Of course this is special to me. You’re an awesome person and I’d totally want to see you again.” But if you have anything more than a purely physical interest in this person, you might get a rude awakening. Besides, your interest might not take you seriously as a potential partner if you don’t hold a few things back. Many people have said they’ll do things with a stranger in one night that they won’t do with someone they’ve known and have been seriously dating for over a month; they’d at least like to give the idea that there is someplace to go in the relationship, some cards to play, a carrot to dangle in front of their partner. After all, who will buy the cow when they get the milk for free?
Then there are those that just don’t have hook-ups. Some of these people might just not be good in social settings, but for a fair amount of people out there, hook-ups might not be their thing. They could have been burned one too many times before, or they might just not find pleasure in near-anonymous, short-lived romance. Some even find it immoral, viewing the hook-up as a shallow activity that only leads to emptiness and possibly STIs (after all, you can only get STIs from having relations with someone who’s had relations.) These people will argue, “How can you let someone use you like that?” to which the answer is given “You’re using them just as much as they are you. And if she’s wants to do it, and he wants to do it, then why shouldn’t they do it?” Hooking-up, a short-lived connection with a little bit of physical gratification, is to see someone not as a person, but as a means to an end, a way to achieve your goal; basically a machine with a pulse. These non-hook-uppers might just prefer something a bit more lasting, but in college, they’re increasingly in the minority (Prentice and Miller, 1993).
Many people this age tend not to think about long-term relationships. Even those in monogamous, “serious” relationships don’t want to acknowledge, let alone consider, the idea of marrying. Plenty of girls talk about weddings, how much they want to have a wedding, what the color-scheme will be for the dresses, who will be their maid-of-honor, etc. But a lot of people, guys and girls alike, feel trapped, stifled in a relationship they see ending in “the big step.” Some of these individuals think about breaking-up with their partners and seeking “one last fling” to make sure this is what they want; a pre-bachelor/bachelorette party of sorts. To take it a step further, something else that is lovingly thought of is how cute babies are. How they can’t wait to have a baby (bring up how big they’ll get during the pregnancy or how much it’ll hurt coming out and they’ll quickly change their manner. It’s as if they’d like this baby to sort of appear out of air.) But ask who they’d like to father their child, and they’re more likely to say Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp than their boyfriend. Some people, even after dating the same person for years, still don’t think they’re with the person they’re going to marry and raise a family.
If you think hook-ups are fine and have had a fair share of them, especially intense ones, it might be best to not date someone that does not hold the same philosophy. They may feel that whatever you do with them physically might be taken for granted, since you’ve gotten it from people who’ve meant less to you than they do. Abortion is another topic that should be. If you both accidentally become pregnant and one wants to keep it but the other doesn’t (either by means of abortion or adoption), that can be devastating to the relationship. And if there’s an issue with giving up children for adoption, there may also be an issue of donating sperm or eggs. Acknowledging the fact that plenty of parents exist with the help of sperm and egg donation, it may unsettle your partner to think there could be another you out there, and that you’ll never meet them.
In the restaurants of relationships, hook-ups are the buffet (all-you-can-eat buffets, if you’re in certain circles). You get to try out all sorts of different food varieties, you aren’t stuck with just one entrée, and if your appetite is really big, you can even taste several main courses. Maybe you see this as a way to help you better figure out what it is you’re looking for in that certain food, and where there’s good food, there’s a good chef. So let’s say you find one chef, one chef that prepares food pretty well. If you get to know this chef really well, they can cook you whatever food you’d like and fix it to best suit your palate. Now they might not be too keen on serving it to you this way, it might not be their favorite way to serve food, or even their favorite food to cook, but they’ll do it for you because you’re their favorite customer. The chef probably wants to cook and prepare the same thing every day for the rest of their life just as much as you want to eat the same thing every day for the rest of your life. Neither of you would mind spicing things up a bit. But our palates are shaped by our past experiences. Is someone high-class going to want a short-order cook? While we may enjoy the occasional unusual dining experience, we typically prefer comfort over the unexpected.
Now you might not know which sort of cuisine is best for you, and that’s fine. You’re young. No other time in your life can you eat so much in one sitting without having to take a nap or put on a bigger pair of pants. But this doesn’t mean you can’t eat consistently well for the rest of your life. Get on the bad side of one chef, and all their chef friends won’t let you eat at their restaurants. Eventually you’ll starve. So think about what you’re doing before you do it, and as scary as it may seem, consider all viewpoints and long-term consequences. Once you realize what you really want, go for it with all you’ve got.
-------
Kahn, A.S., Fricker, K, Hoffman, J. Lambert, T., Tripp, M., Childress, K., et all.
(2000, August). Hooking up: Dangerous new dating methods? In A. S. Kahn
(chair) Sex, unwanted sex, and sexual assault on college campuses.
Symposium conducted at the annual Meeting of the American Psychological
Association, Washington, DC.
Lambert, T.A., Kahn, A.S., Apple, K.J., (2003). Pluralistic Ignorance and Hooking Up The Journal if Sex Research, Vol 40, Number 2, 129-133
Pennebaker, J.W., (1979) Don't the girls get prettier at closing time: A
country and western application to psychology. Personality-and-Social-
Psychology-Bulletin, 5, 122-125.
Prentice D.A., & Miller D.T. (1993) Pluralistic ignorance and alcohol use on
campus: Some consequences of misperceiving the social norm Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 243-256
Hook-ups: Burning Desire or Playing with Matches?
You’re at a party. There’s good drink, good music, and really good-looking people. You’re there with your friends who’re having an awesome time, maybe dancing, maybe dominating the beer pong table. Then for one reason or another, you look out, scope the scene, maybe you thought you saw something you didn’t, but it doesn’t matter. You just saw someone special, and if you’re lucky, saw them seeing you, too.
A path almost miraculously clears between you two. Their friends casually distance themselves from that person, because they know what’s up and what’s going down. Maybe you meet halfway; a good sign. A joke is uttered, a brief introduction, maybe a refreshment of beverages or a quick dance on the floor. The typical dialogue ensues, consisting of “So what classes are you taking? ...Oh yeah? What’s your major? Oh, that’s cool. So where do you live? Oh, I know someone that lives there! Do you know (insert name here)? No? Um…so anyway…”
After awhile, the party is winding down, and this person seems all right, at least by your judgment at the present. The conversation is running a little dry and neither of you are quite sure what else to do. You don’t want to walk away because you are having a good time with this person, but the nervous pause in the conversation has just turned into an awkward silence. So the mind starts to wander. The realization comes that there’s attraction, if only fleeting, but it’s still there and will be probably for the next several hours. You’d like something to happen, that maybe they’d like something to happen, and perhaps that something is the same for both of you. It’s been shown that as bars near closing time, the occupants are found to appear more attractive as their numbers dwindle (Pennebaker, J.W., 1979). A place presents itself to do this something (if you haven’t already started in front of everyone, because we’ve all seen that happen), so you both go there together. When it’s all over, someone mentions a reason they should probably be heading out, a test or some research paper they’ve been putting off, and you separate.
Now, planning on seeing that person again? Eh, not really; if you run into them, then you run into them. But you really didn’t want anything beyond what went on; your little meeting was fine enough for you, and you’re pretty sure it was for them, too. Eventually, despite running into them at D-Hall the next morning followed by an exchange of a quick and nervous word or two then not looking up from your tray until a friend gives you the ok, you’ll probably forget about them. In the end, you’re content with the fact they’re just another member of an unacquainted society of people you’ve been with. A hook-up. We’re in college at a critical time in our lives. Our bodies are in their prime; they’re never going to look as good or be as firm as they are now. Now add that to the fact that our hormones are raging, and maybe mix a few drinks and a good beat into the equation, and you’re really cooking.
This is just one of countless ways a hook-up can go down. After all, there are many different types of hook-ups. There’s a pre-meditated hook-up, where you look in the mirror and tell yourself “Tonight, I'm going to go out, find someone, and hook-up with them.” Maybe it’s been awhile and you just need a one-way ticket to Pleasuretown, maybe you’re trying to find a rebound to help you get over someone, trying to make someone else jealous, but then again, it could also just be part of your weekend ritual. You could be looking for that certain connection that comes with hooking-up, that lovely release of endorphins that accompanies being with someone that feels the same about you as you do them, whatever that may be.
There’s the “I'm not really planning on having a hook-up, but if I see someone I like, then why should I stop myself?” So you maybe find someone that looks like they’d be up for it and you try and see if you can’t both help each other out. You might get frustrated if you don’t see someone you’d like, or if you do see someone you like and they don’t want to hook-up, but you’re still doing all right when the night is done. There’s the passive hook-up, where you think “I wouldn’t mind a hook-up, I mean, if someone wants to hook-up with me, I’ll let them.” But despite your seemingly selfless effort to let someone do with you as they please, the prospect that no one approached you could get you just a little down. You might even tell yourself before going out, “If I run across someone I think is in dire need of a hook-up, and that their life will be more complete and all around better with no negative effects, I'm going to hook-up with them or die trying.” With this one, if you go home without having one, it’s no real loss to you at all. In fact, it may even make you happier to know that everyone you’ve encountered is so well off that your generous services were not needed at this present juncture.
You could go out with the idea that you’ll have a hook-up with the hope of securing a partner, but this is dangerous territory. A “really terrible hooking up experience” can happen if one of the parties (studies have shown it’s normally the woman) going into the hook-up want a relationship (Kahn, et al, 2000). Many people will say things and make promises they don’t really intend on keeping to ensure their end of the hook-up happens. “Of course this is special to me. You’re an awesome person and I’d totally want to see you again.” But if you have anything more than a purely physical interest in this person, you might get a rude awakening. Besides, your interest might not take you seriously as a potential partner if you don’t hold a few things back. Many people have said they’ll do things with a stranger in one night that they won’t do with someone they’ve known and have been seriously dating for over a month; they’d at least like to give the idea that there is someplace to go in the relationship, some cards to play, a carrot to dangle in front of their partner. After all, who will buy the cow when they get the milk for free?
Then there are those that just don’t have hook-ups. Some of these people might just not be good in social settings, but for a fair amount of people out there, hook-ups might not be their thing. They could have been burned one too many times before, or they might just not find pleasure in near-anonymous, short-lived romance. Some even find it immoral, viewing the hook-up as a shallow activity that only leads to emptiness and possibly STIs (after all, you can only get STIs from having relations with someone who’s had relations.) These people will argue, “How can you let someone use you like that?” to which the answer is given “You’re using them just as much as they are you. And if she’s wants to do it, and he wants to do it, then why shouldn’t they do it?” Hooking-up, a short-lived connection with a little bit of physical gratification, is to see someone not as a person, but as a means to an end, a way to achieve your goal; basically a machine with a pulse. These non-hook-uppers might just prefer something a bit more lasting, but in college, they’re increasingly in the minority (Prentice and Miller, 1993).
Many people this age tend not to think about long-term relationships. Even those in monogamous, “serious” relationships don’t want to acknowledge, let alone consider, the idea of marrying. Plenty of girls talk about weddings, how much they want to have a wedding, what the color-scheme will be for the dresses, who will be their maid-of-honor, etc. But a lot of people, guys and girls alike, feel trapped, stifled in a relationship they see ending in “the big step.” Some of these individuals think about breaking-up with their partners and seeking “one last fling” to make sure this is what they want; a pre-bachelor/bachelorette party of sorts. To take it a step further, something else that is lovingly thought of is how cute babies are. How they can’t wait to have a baby (bring up how big they’ll get during the pregnancy or how much it’ll hurt coming out and they’ll quickly change their manner. It’s as if they’d like this baby to sort of appear out of air.) But ask who they’d like to father their child, and they’re more likely to say Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp than their boyfriend. Some people, even after dating the same person for years, still don’t think they’re with the person they’re going to marry and raise a family.
If you think hook-ups are fine and have had a fair share of them, especially intense ones, it might be best to not date someone that does not hold the same philosophy. They may feel that whatever you do with them physically might be taken for granted, since you’ve gotten it from people who’ve meant less to you than they do. Abortion is another topic that should be. If you both accidentally become pregnant and one wants to keep it but the other doesn’t (either by means of abortion or adoption), that can be devastating to the relationship. And if there’s an issue with giving up children for adoption, there may also be an issue of donating sperm or eggs. Acknowledging the fact that plenty of parents exist with the help of sperm and egg donation, it may unsettle your partner to think there could be another you out there, and that you’ll never meet them.
In the restaurants of relationships, hook-ups are the buffet (all-you-can-eat buffets, if you’re in certain circles). You get to try out all sorts of different food varieties, you aren’t stuck with just one entrée, and if your appetite is really big, you can even taste several main courses. Maybe you see this as a way to help you better figure out what it is you’re looking for in that certain food, and where there’s good food, there’s a good chef. So let’s say you find one chef, one chef that prepares food pretty well. If you get to know this chef really well, they can cook you whatever food you’d like and fix it to best suit your palate. Now they might not be too keen on serving it to you this way, it might not be their favorite way to serve food, or even their favorite food to cook, but they’ll do it for you because you’re their favorite customer. The chef probably wants to cook and prepare the same thing every day for the rest of their life just as much as you want to eat the same thing every day for the rest of your life. Neither of you would mind spicing things up a bit. But our palates are shaped by our past experiences. Is someone high-class going to want a short-order cook? While we may enjoy the occasional unusual dining experience, we typically prefer comfort over the unexpected.
Now you might not know which sort of cuisine is best for you, and that’s fine. You’re young. No other time in your life can you eat so much in one sitting without having to take a nap or put on a bigger pair of pants. But this doesn’t mean you can’t eat consistently well for the rest of your life. Get on the bad side of one chef, and all their chef friends won’t let you eat at their restaurants. Eventually you’ll starve. So think about what you’re doing before you do it, and as scary as it may seem, consider all viewpoints and long-term consequences. Once you realize what you really want, go for it with all you’ve got.
-------
Kahn, A.S., Fricker, K, Hoffman, J. Lambert, T., Tripp, M., Childress, K., et all.
(2000, August). Hooking up: Dangerous new dating methods? In A. S. Kahn
(chair) Sex, unwanted sex, and sexual assault on college campuses.
Symposium conducted at the annual Meeting of the American Psychological
Association, Washington, DC.
Lambert, T.A., Kahn, A.S., Apple, K.J., (2003). Pluralistic Ignorance and Hooking Up The Journal if Sex Research, Vol 40, Number 2, 129-133
Pennebaker, J.W., (1979) Don't the girls get prettier at closing time: A
country and western application to psychology. Personality-and-Social-
Psychology-Bulletin, 5, 122-125.
Prentice D.A., & Miller D.T. (1993) Pluralistic ignorance and alcohol use on
campus: Some consequences of misperceiving the social norm Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 243-256