does anyone accually read this thing?
yea well i really dont know. sometimes i would write everything that was in my head and in my heart in here because i think no one reads this crap but then again that might be the one time someone accually reads it. meh oh well. so tonight we went to the movies a hole shit load of us (for ann's birthday) (HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANN) and we saw the cronicels of riddick. it was good but i think it was missing something but oh well. humm the car ride home was fun... come (hahahha) to think of it the car ride there was fun too! i love car rides they are the best part of any trip i think.
i sometimes feel like i am being punished for something becuase i can never accually find a relationship. i know things happen for a reason and when i liked cole it helped me because he was freinds with ashley and i liked her, so that why i like him. then i liked ashley and i didnt know why untill i was over her. she helped me out alot. after we became freinds i realised that it was easyer for me to open up and be myself, who cares who or what i am or what gender i like. i used to be afraid to tell people i liked a girl when i liked one but now i dont could care less who knew. besides my dad and his fam, besides jessie and paul who know. but when do those kind of things stop and when can i ahve the real relatioship, someone for me to care about and someone to care about me. i know people care about me but sometimes you need to have someone care about you in a different way, a differnt kind of love. someone who will hold you in there arms and you know you are safe. truely loved truely cared about. damn it now i am making myself cry. i feel like i have failed, and i have lost out on something that could have been something or could have been a freindship. all because i cant fucking talk to people. i feel something different towards her. there is something about her, i feel like she deserves a second chance at being herself. everone makes mistakes and everyone has there problams. i dont know why i feel like this towards someone i dont even know. i mean i could totally be wrong but thats the vibe i get from her. someone told me (i wont mencion any names but you know who you are) that she thinks that me and "sophmore" would be good together, that she would be good for me. i dont know why she knows that but i can trust her one that one to becuase i know her and her vibes or her esp channel thingie is really good.
the other day before i went to bed i started to cry and started to flip out i was swaring and swaring and throwing things.. needless to say i started to go theough the anger stage of greeving with loosing becca. it's been five months and i fell like it happied yesterday. i didnt see her as much as i see other people and sometimes it is easyer to be in the she's in college mode even tho you know she's gone. but then when you are alone and you see that pciture of you and her in the freinds forever frame, you break down. you cant function anymore, you feel lost and scard because one of the freinds you have known for all your life is gone. the one person who could always bring you back from the brink of insanity to make you want to live to see another day. i cant relly remember a time when she wasent happy or when she wasent laughing or telling someone exactly what she though of them. i just wish i could ahve spent more time with her, but if i could go back and change that i wouldnt because that would have taken away from everone elses experances in this world and thats not right. becca i love you and i hope you are ok. hun please help me out you know what i want help with. you know what it was like when you felt like this, please help if you can, it would mean alot to me. thanks either way hun you are truely special.
sometimes we cant get what we want but i think this time might be different. i can feel the presents of something that's going to happin, i'm not quite sure of what that will be but something is comming.
I LOVE YOU! i care about you but it's hard.
joey hun i love you too. you are one of my best freinds as well, thanks for everything you have ever done for me, you are amazing and i am glad that we ahve such a close relationship. i can trust you with everything and my life, and thats hard for me to say and i promise we will never lose touch i will hire a privet investagator to find you if thats what it comes down to. thanks for being there for me hun. i love you!
hannah i love you. you mean so much to me you really really do... and damnit it you better appreciate it because now i am crying!!!!! big huggs. it is going to be awsome this summer.
nikki... it is going to be so hard not having you around ever day next year. you are my very best friend (hannah you are my sister you you count in a different way) hun we talk about everything and everything that hurts and everything that makes up happy. we can make each other laugh in ways we will never be able to with someone else. i dont want to leave i want to be with you forever! ( oh now i am balling) i dont want everyday to go by with out seeing you and you are the only one who can ever ever make me laugh when i am down. you ahve supported me with likeing "sophmore" becuase you think i should love who i love no matter what anyone else thinks and that ment the most to me ever. i was so lost and confused and you really helped me come out of the closet. well helped me admitt to myself that i am gay, i knew it deep down but i didnt want to admitt it, and everyone else who i am close freinds with knew it, but for some reason i couldnt say it, i was scard and i felt alone. but now i feel great about being who i am becuase of you letting me see that i am exactly who i was ment to be, thanks hun. i love you. and you are always fun to take a bra off of. hehe
ok i am going to stop now before i cant stop crying.