"I'm not going through an odd phase, I really am odd."
After all these years, and in spite of the plethora of wonderful things that have been happening lately, I still find myself having to deal with the lifetime baggage that can't actually be gotten rid of until something I have no control over happens. I'm lonely, I've said it before, but more and more lately I find the weight of...not being single, exactly...it's hard to verbalize. Ever since high school I've gotten the "I wish I could find someone just like you to go out with" line and had *countless* friends/crushes/exes go on about all the traits their new lady has, traits which I think and have been told I possess. It doesn't matter how happy I am for them, it always crushes me. Can't help it. It's a repeat of what I've heard a thousand times before, but it still brings me to my knees every time. The litany of amazing things I am, but were somehow not good enough for someone...ouch. That's not the reality, of course, and I do know that I'm quite a handful relationship wise - really any wise if you get right down to it - but it doesn't stop me from feeling like a total screw up, a failure for being myself and having something in there make the good things not worthwhile.
I may have a date next week - whether the evening is a date or a business meeting is still kind of to be seen, but general consensus is that it's a date - and I realized that I was super excited to be able to tell people I might have a date, I wasn't all that excited about the date itself. He seems like a nice guy, I don't know him but a spit, but that's not an issue. Sure, part of the deal is the uncertainty of whether or not it is a date and my desire not to get my expectations to a level prone for dashing, but it's mostly because I've given up, pretty much, if I'm being totally honest. Bear in mind, I don't mean that to sound dramatic or like I'm fishing for anything, just that I've mentally shifted to a different mode of thinking.
Simply put, I no longer think of me being with someone as an inevitability. I've gone down the 'giving it a try even though he doesn't seem close to ideal' road and that was worse that nothing at all, as it often is in life. About a year ago I decided to go back to school. Everyone thought it was a great idea, I'd be good teaching at the collegiate level, etc. It didn't come out of some noble purpose or passion for teaching, though it is and I do enjoy it; it all boiled down to the fact that I understood I needed to be able to get a job or jobs that would support me for the rest of my life. I'm almost 30 and the things that I did in my twenties to be ready for a husband and family and wherever that life needed me to go, well those aren't practical, smart, or appealing to anyone anymore. If I stayed like this it'd just be sad. So back I'm going. I've got school, I've got WIDR, and if everything goes well I've got my back. I am planning for a life where it's just me, because all evidence points to that being a smart thing. Ignoring it, acting like circumstances are equal to what they were ten, even five years ago, would be irresponsible.
That being said, it doesn't mean the whole thing doesn't suck eggs, but it's what I've got, so, you know, playing, dealt hand, etc.
I may have a date next week - whether the evening is a date or a business meeting is still kind of to be seen, but general consensus is that it's a date - and I realized that I was super excited to be able to tell people I might have a date, I wasn't all that excited about the date itself. He seems like a nice guy, I don't know him but a spit, but that's not an issue. Sure, part of the deal is the uncertainty of whether or not it is a date and my desire not to get my expectations to a level prone for dashing, but it's mostly because I've given up, pretty much, if I'm being totally honest. Bear in mind, I don't mean that to sound dramatic or like I'm fishing for anything, just that I've mentally shifted to a different mode of thinking.
Simply put, I no longer think of me being with someone as an inevitability. I've gone down the 'giving it a try even though he doesn't seem close to ideal' road and that was worse that nothing at all, as it often is in life. About a year ago I decided to go back to school. Everyone thought it was a great idea, I'd be good teaching at the collegiate level, etc. It didn't come out of some noble purpose or passion for teaching, though it is and I do enjoy it; it all boiled down to the fact that I understood I needed to be able to get a job or jobs that would support me for the rest of my life. I'm almost 30 and the things that I did in my twenties to be ready for a husband and family and wherever that life needed me to go, well those aren't practical, smart, or appealing to anyone anymore. If I stayed like this it'd just be sad. So back I'm going. I've got school, I've got WIDR, and if everything goes well I've got my back. I am planning for a life where it's just me, because all evidence points to that being a smart thing. Ignoring it, acting like circumstances are equal to what they were ten, even five years ago, would be irresponsible.
That being said, it doesn't mean the whole thing doesn't suck eggs, but it's what I've got, so, you know, playing, dealt hand, etc.