Bottoms Up!
I had to steal this from Blythe, it's too great. Although in all fairness, I did help some.
---THE COLLEGE STUDENT'S GUIDE TO THE HOLIDAYS---
Cheers and Bottoms Up!
New Year's Day (January1st): To avoid the impending hangover, start off the morning by taking a shot with breakfast. Realize that you just broke your New Year's resolution to stop drinking.
St. Valentine's Day (February 14th): If you are in a relationship: Buy a bottle of wine and all the makings of a romantic dinner; get drunk and proceed to...well, ya know. ;-) If you are single: Buy a bottle of Jack and tell everyone that your date is a Mr. Daniels; get drunk and curse all the couples.
President's Day (February): Give a toast (or several) to all of our US Presidents. Try to name all of them while drunk. Your attempt goes something like this: "Washington and Lincoln and Roosevelt and Clinton and...um Washington...and the guy with the beard...come on, ya know who I am talking about...and Washington...and *passes out drunk*".
St. Patrick's Day (March 17th): Get drunk off of Irish alcohol (Guinness, Baileys, Etc). Dye it green to celebrate cultural aspects of the holiday. Sing loudly to an Irish Drinking Song (despite the fact that you don't know the words).
Easter (March or April): Hide Easter Eggs for your young siblings and cousins in the morning and spend the day dining with family. Once you are back at your apartment, hide bottles of alcohol for a different sort of Easter hunt with your roommates and friends. Get drunk.
Cinco De Mayo (May 5th): Drink Corona or Tequila. Sing loudly to a song in Spanish (despite the fact that you don't know that words). Inspire fellow college student to write "The College Student's Guide to the Holidays."
Mother's Day (May): Give a toast (or several) to dear old Mom. Mother's presence for toast optional (and not likely).
Memorial Day (Last Weekend of May): Get drunk while a)ATTEMPTING to waterski behind the back of your parent's motorboat which you borrowed, b)suntanning on the houseboat which you and you college friends rented for the extended weekend or c)nursing a hangover at your campsite from the previous evening- from which all you can remember is a rather huge bonfire which ended up being your tent. All of the above usually involve an interaction with a Park Aide named Blythe who tries to explain to you that the purpose of the State Park System is for the enjoyment, education and recreation of all people and not for spending time and park resourses to save your drunk, stupid carcass! You do all the aforementioned activities to toast to the beginning of summer.
Father's Day (June): Give a toast (or several) to dear old Dad. Father's presence for toast optional (and not likely).
Independence Day (July 4th): Get drunk off of Budweiser (chances are that the first cans will be chilled, but the rest will get progressively less cold inversely to your blood-alcohol level). Try to BBQ something and end up creating a bonfire. Smile at the relived memories from Memorial Day. Stop by KFC on the way to the fireworks. Sing loudly to the "Star Spangled Banner" (despite the fact that you don't know the words) as you see the sky light up. Pass out in your car.
Labor Day (First Weekend of September): Get drunk while a)ATTEMPTING to waterski behind the back of your parent's motorboat which you borrowed, b)suntanning on the houseboat which you and you college friends rented for the extended weekend or c)nursing a hangover at your campsite from the previous evening- from which all you can remember is a rather huge bonfire which ended up being your tent. All of the above usually involve an interaction with a Park Aide named Blythe who tries to explain to you that the purpose of the State Park System is for the enjoyment, education and recreation of all people and not for spending time and park resourses to save your drunk, stupid carcass- but ends up seeing who you are halfway through the reprimand to say "Oh no, not YOU again!" You do all the aforementioned activities to toast to the END of summer.
Columbus Day (October): Get drunk to, ya know, celebrate stuff.
Halloween (October 31st): Get drunk while wearing a funny costume. Use bite-sized candy as chasers. Run out of candy and give trick-or-treaters beer in your drunken stupor. Run out of beer and offer kids tricks instead of treats. Realize that probably doesn't sound too good as you are dressed up like a hooker. Spend the rest of the night running away from the police and avoid being arrested on charges of a) giving alcohol to a minor or b) prostitution. Say that your roomie's friend of a friend "Bob" was watching the apartment last night while you volunteered by taking out orphans trick-or-treating when the cops inquire about the incidents on November 1st.
Thanksgiving (Thursday in Late November): Have dinner with family. After Grandparents leave, drink the remaining wine directly out of the bottles. Blame drunk stupor um, I mean "sleepiness", on the tryptophan in the Turkey.
Christmas Eve (December 24th): Drink Egg Nog...with rum. ;-)
Christmas Day (December 25th): After receiving Christmas gifts of several woolen socks, a CD of "Woodie Guthrie sings Hollywood Hits", and a gift certificate to the DMV, you spend some of your Christmas money on a gift for yourself: several bottles of alcohol. You proceed to get drunk, see the snow outside, start a bonfire for warmth (and fondly recall Memorial and Labor Days) and have a conversation with Santa, who you later find out was your local sheriff. You spend the rest of your Christmas money bailing yourself out of jail.
New Year's Eve (December 31st): Start drinking upon waking up. After all this is you last day of drinking since you are resolving never to drink again....
---THE COLLEGE STUDENT'S GUIDE TO THE HOLIDAYS---
Cheers and Bottoms Up!
New Year's Day (January1st): To avoid the impending hangover, start off the morning by taking a shot with breakfast. Realize that you just broke your New Year's resolution to stop drinking.
St. Valentine's Day (February 14th): If you are in a relationship: Buy a bottle of wine and all the makings of a romantic dinner; get drunk and proceed to...well, ya know. ;-) If you are single: Buy a bottle of Jack and tell everyone that your date is a Mr. Daniels; get drunk and curse all the couples.
President's Day (February): Give a toast (or several) to all of our US Presidents. Try to name all of them while drunk. Your attempt goes something like this: "Washington and Lincoln and Roosevelt and Clinton and...um Washington...and the guy with the beard...come on, ya know who I am talking about...and Washington...and *passes out drunk*".
St. Patrick's Day (March 17th): Get drunk off of Irish alcohol (Guinness, Baileys, Etc). Dye it green to celebrate cultural aspects of the holiday. Sing loudly to an Irish Drinking Song (despite the fact that you don't know the words).
Easter (March or April): Hide Easter Eggs for your young siblings and cousins in the morning and spend the day dining with family. Once you are back at your apartment, hide bottles of alcohol for a different sort of Easter hunt with your roommates and friends. Get drunk.
Cinco De Mayo (May 5th): Drink Corona or Tequila. Sing loudly to a song in Spanish (despite the fact that you don't know that words). Inspire fellow college student to write "The College Student's Guide to the Holidays."
Mother's Day (May): Give a toast (or several) to dear old Mom. Mother's presence for toast optional (and not likely).
Memorial Day (Last Weekend of May): Get drunk while a)ATTEMPTING to waterski behind the back of your parent's motorboat which you borrowed, b)suntanning on the houseboat which you and you college friends rented for the extended weekend or c)nursing a hangover at your campsite from the previous evening- from which all you can remember is a rather huge bonfire which ended up being your tent. All of the above usually involve an interaction with a Park Aide named Blythe who tries to explain to you that the purpose of the State Park System is for the enjoyment, education and recreation of all people and not for spending time and park resourses to save your drunk, stupid carcass! You do all the aforementioned activities to toast to the beginning of summer.
Father's Day (June): Give a toast (or several) to dear old Dad. Father's presence for toast optional (and not likely).
Independence Day (July 4th): Get drunk off of Budweiser (chances are that the first cans will be chilled, but the rest will get progressively less cold inversely to your blood-alcohol level). Try to BBQ something and end up creating a bonfire. Smile at the relived memories from Memorial Day. Stop by KFC on the way to the fireworks. Sing loudly to the "Star Spangled Banner" (despite the fact that you don't know the words) as you see the sky light up. Pass out in your car.
Labor Day (First Weekend of September): Get drunk while a)ATTEMPTING to waterski behind the back of your parent's motorboat which you borrowed, b)suntanning on the houseboat which you and you college friends rented for the extended weekend or c)nursing a hangover at your campsite from the previous evening- from which all you can remember is a rather huge bonfire which ended up being your tent. All of the above usually involve an interaction with a Park Aide named Blythe who tries to explain to you that the purpose of the State Park System is for the enjoyment, education and recreation of all people and not for spending time and park resourses to save your drunk, stupid carcass- but ends up seeing who you are halfway through the reprimand to say "Oh no, not YOU again!" You do all the aforementioned activities to toast to the END of summer.
Columbus Day (October): Get drunk to, ya know, celebrate stuff.
Halloween (October 31st): Get drunk while wearing a funny costume. Use bite-sized candy as chasers. Run out of candy and give trick-or-treaters beer in your drunken stupor. Run out of beer and offer kids tricks instead of treats. Realize that probably doesn't sound too good as you are dressed up like a hooker. Spend the rest of the night running away from the police and avoid being arrested on charges of a) giving alcohol to a minor or b) prostitution. Say that your roomie's friend of a friend "Bob" was watching the apartment last night while you volunteered by taking out orphans trick-or-treating when the cops inquire about the incidents on November 1st.
Thanksgiving (Thursday in Late November): Have dinner with family. After Grandparents leave, drink the remaining wine directly out of the bottles. Blame drunk stupor um, I mean "sleepiness", on the tryptophan in the Turkey.
Christmas Eve (December 24th): Drink Egg Nog...with rum. ;-)
Christmas Day (December 25th): After receiving Christmas gifts of several woolen socks, a CD of "Woodie Guthrie sings Hollywood Hits", and a gift certificate to the DMV, you spend some of your Christmas money on a gift for yourself: several bottles of alcohol. You proceed to get drunk, see the snow outside, start a bonfire for warmth (and fondly recall Memorial and Labor Days) and have a conversation with Santa, who you later find out was your local sheriff. You spend the rest of your Christmas money bailing yourself out of jail.
New Year's Eve (December 31st): Start drinking upon waking up. After all this is you last day of drinking since you are resolving never to drink again....