(no subject)
Let's do this one last time and try to do it right - it's the least that can be done for a friendship that started from IRC in 2001/2002 anyway. Thereafter, you can run along and show this entry to your protector who will, as before, stick her fat and flat nose in where it doesn't belong and defend you like her life depended on it. But make sure you show her everything though, it's only fair, right ?
I'll start from a month or so before your birthday and skip the start of the year thing where the stupid bitch went at me.
Remember your planned holiday to BKK which was a sorta birthday celebration that you'd so desperately looked forward to 'cause you'd to cancel all thoughts about a trip with J, the mega materialistic flirt who did not appreciate a free trip ? You kept telling me during smoke breaks how much you NEEDED the BKK trip to go through 'cause you needed that holiday. Well, your mom started freaking out over the riots going on.
Came a few days later, the freak outs got so bad that an aunt of yours went at length to stop you from going to BKK. And she succeeded.
You called me before that and spoke to me for more than an hour, ranting and raving about the frustration you feel that no one understands. I told you how your mom is just being concerned and you replied that you KNOW, but it didn't help matters. You bemoaned the fact that you've changed money and packed your luggage and that you're all set for BKK that is not going to happen. You also bitched about that aunt who 'isn't really that nice a person'. Then, you thanked me for listening and said everyone has been telling you to chill and to look things the right way which you 'do. not. want. to.' even though you know what they say it's right but me, you know I'm right and why you're willing to listen to me is because I did not push matters and I considered your point of view. Then you said that you only want to talk to K or myself because we are truly your good friends 'although K is busy right now and cannot be reached'. Remember ? Guess not.
So you went to KL instead of BKK. The day after you were back, I tweeted to everyone
You however, replied:
Me:
And then you didn't reply. It was a weird tantrum but I was used to it - you'll randomly get mad at people in general and then be okay after a while. Our friendship has always bounced back, so I thought. On your birthday, I texted you and wished you. After some 12 hours, you replied a word: Thanks. Then Wy wished you.
Your reply ?
Duh I saw it. You guys were on my list of friends ! So confused and annoyed me tweeted you
And no surprise there, you didn't reply again. In fact, you never tweeted me again. In a bid to find out what was going on in your life, I went to your account and tadah ! You've been tweeting the stupid bitch almost daily. No, I'm not jealous. But the coincidence, really ? Was this primary school or high school ? After hanging out with her, you just don't want to talk to me anymore ?
So it went on for months. You bet I was mad. I'll admit I was proud too. I figured since you stopped talking to me for no reason at all, I wouldn't bother with you too. Then we drifted apart and because I never know if you'll be working, I stopped going to Subway for my favourite sandwiches altogether. I wouldn't know how to deal with that awkwardness between us.
Then a month before I left for Europe, I thought things through and I called you. I called you for a million reasons like how this friendship meant something and how I missed your shit and how I hate not being able to go to Subway or have a smoking buddy but most importantly, I couldn't bear the thought of 'losing' someone else to Renny. K - fine, she fell in love. Wrong or right, I don't know though I strongly feel the former. But you ? You who laughed with me at her wild 'dance' moves, who told me the tragic news that she has zits on her back, who confided in me that you never liked her hitting on K and how you hate how dramatic she is as a person, who scoffed with me at her 'confidence' which are mere self-delusions, who told me in all seriousness to tolerate her for the sake of our buddy, who admitted that she has gone too far in insulting K's friends, who very angrily told me how ridiculous it is that K is forbidden to club without her as there's a chance K will be drunk, and you with whom I plotted her murder - YOU. What happened ? I don't know, you tell me.
So I called. And you didn't pick up. Then you called back to a number which apparently wasn't familiar, at all and refused to acknowledge when I call you 'Ka' like I always do. It went like, 'Hi, may I know who called ?'
'Ka ?'
'Huh ?'
'Ka, huh ?'
'Huh ?'
*heaves a sigh* 'Jawk huh ?'
'Uh huh ?'
'Beryl here. Are you free now ?'
'Er..'
'For a smoke ? Or just to talk ?'
'About what ?'
'About things. Us, I supposed.'
'I'm actually quite busy now'
'Okay ........ How about after work ? I can wait'
'Uh, I'm actually quite tired today'
*silence*
*more silence*
'Urm, okay then. Can you call me back when you're free ? I think we really need to talk ?'
'Ya. Ok.'
'Ok then. Thanks.'
You never called back. I thought you might had really forgotten know ? I mean, I didn't think you'd truly brush me aside like this without an explanation.
You did tweet though.
I still wonder if that's for me. Assuming it was, WHAT DID I DO ?!?! Otherwise, no replies, again. Very fucked up. Very angry and desolated me left for Europe without a chance to make things right. While there, I constantly read your tweets for Renny and K. Things which would have been tweeted '@xxx @xxx Hahahahaha' went like 'Hahahahaha @xxx @xxx' so that I can see it. Were you rubbing it in my face ? I don't know. Was I upset ? Quite. Was I mad ? Fucking hopping mad. Anger was an easier emotion to handle than confusion and desolation though. I was pumped up with anger and frustration that I wasn't even worthy enough of a 'You did this and that that's why I'm mad. Now, fuck off !'
So I tweeted
Ya ya I know I said I'll wash my hands off. I'm eating those words now. Back to my point, do you blame my frustration ? I don't know. Did you know it was for you ? Yes, definitely. Your reaction ? I don't know. This ?
I will never know what went wrong because I know even a post like this wouldn't make you talk to me. But I'd to, yknow ? Wy asked me why the hell I bothered if you didn't but you know me, I cannot take this kinda shit lying down for long. Especially when I read the stupid bitch's blog entry.
One question: WHY SO LOW ?! What made you run to her to tell her about my locked tweets TO YOU ?! You obviously made some effort there. It's disgusting. It's pathetic. It's sad. And I'm sadder that what's left of our 'friendship' has gotten to that. I must have done something really wrong for you to get the #2 person on my hate list to defend you.
Blah blah blah. I just had to do this post to get things off my chest because no one else understands or listens anymore when I complain. Everyone says I'm wasting my time and it's a losing battle with stupid people and it probably is but y'know, I just HAD to do this. Things wouldn't change, but at least I don't feel that much of an idiot anymore. You just .. cleared things up for me when you did what you did. Am I still angry ? No, no longer. Upset ? No, not much. Amused ? Yes. It's just sort of like sad nostalgia when I think back about our times hanging out with K at void decks and 401, or I softly laugh at the memory of trying to handle the both of you when you were drunk, or like how you guys will randomly buy me Sagiko Soft Jelly Drink and proclaim your love for me, or the wish list you guys wrote when I went to BKK. Y'know ? Things like that ? Things which you fondly remember but just shrug and go 'C'est la vie'. I hope it's only on my part though. At least I can attribute what you guys did to fun times memory loss. Or maybe it was fun times on my part only ... Ok whatever, will stop doubting myself because of you two.
And now Renny, if you're reading this and thinking of poking your nose in again, just shut the fuck up. I'm fucking sick of battling wits with you because it's no fun battling against someone unarmed. Right from the start, I never liked you because you totally forced yourself on K by shamelessly going after her. You sure were dead persistent but look, I made the effort in being considerably polite when I met you for the first time. You were too, thank you very much, but things obviously went downhill thereafter. To do a short recap, K, whom I usually meet 3x a week, I saw only 2x in 3 months. Obviously I wasn't happy. You should get that feeling. I don't feel like I own her and she belongs to me, but I missed her. Fucking much, if I might add. Did I complain ? I can't remember. I probably did. Who wouldn't ? So after one supper with K one night, I found your blog a few days later. You launched into one bloody tirade against her for all the times she met me and claimed how she has forsaken you by going to Vietnam/Bali with me and how she was at my birthday party when she could have been with you for I-don't-know-what and I was fucking surprised. K never said a thing to me which on hindsight, was smart. She knows I'd blow my top. When I whined that we met little, she always pacified me and gave me reasons which I realised at that point of time were excuses. Even in that very entry, she had to lie so you wouldn't be so mad that she met me. Fuck sad. And in that very entry, you just HAD to insult me by saying I'd arms like roti parancis. So YOU started the verbal war, not me. What did I do to step on your toes then, I don't know. Ask to meet my friend ?
So I asked K and she very uncomfortably and shamefully admitted that you 'didn't feel comfortable about me' but that you were just 'overreacting' and then she apologised on your behalf. I told her she was a cock then 'cause YOU should be the one being apologetic, not her. She obviously told you to stop what you were doing or at least censor your words, but you carried on mocking me. From being so fucking afraid that K has something on with me and being called a paranoid, over-possesive, and crazy bitch by me, you changed tact and suddenly claimed that I am jealous that you have K. Jealous for fuck ? Hell yeah, I used to like her but we were good friends already ! And what was my girlfriend - fake ? Why am I suddenly jealous that you have her and I don't !? And then came your stupid blog entries about how you're going here and there with K. It was pathetic. If I were to be childish like you are, I'll tell you that I sat on a plane with her before you did. And oh, slept on the same bed first too. And oh, kissed her lips first too. Oh oops, I just acted totally immature !
My point is, I don't care. I don't give a shit that K belongs to you despite the poor choice she has made (although it bothers me A LOT that I cannot meet her anymore). I do, however, give a shit how you treat her. I heard you forbade her from drinking 'cause she becomes a mess whenever she drinks and I was thoroughly incensed. If *I* tolerated her mess of a drinking state as a friend, who are you to say shit !? And then you raved about how I always use my 'friend' card to make her meet me. HELLO ? Lim bu met her 2x in 3 months and it was after a lot of arm-twisting. WHAT FRIEND CARD ?
Blah blah blah. You called me names, I called you too. I wished you could insult me beyond calling me synonyms of fat though. It got boring after a while. I didn't call you stupid till you pissed me off so badly though and even then, I first used 'Are you stupid or crazy ?'. If you thought stupid fitted you better, who was I to disagree ? I'll concur, happily of course.
I never 'expected' anyone to agree with my point of view either. I stated things from my point of view and never once forced anyone to agree with me and 'say nay to Renny'. Ask Jawk - if she can still find that bit of honesty within herself, of course - if I ever once told her to choose. I'll tell you that she said you've gone too far insulting K's friends and she's fuck-pissed with you the drama queen, but she's withholding herself. In her words, 'She's wrong la B, but never mind, I won't say anything for now. Once she hurts K though, I'm not gonna let her off and I will fuck her upside down'.
And no honey, I don't intend to get into your life, at all. Ask K - I told her that even if things got good with you in future, I'll never accept you as 'one of us'. I lost K and I'm sorry for that. I'm even fucking sorry about everything that happened between her and I but things cannot be salvaged and I don't intend to try to break things any further than it already is. You though, should really shut the fuck up already. Many times you insulted me, I bore it till I couldn't. Always, it was for K's sake 'cause I knew what kinda position I was putting her in. Now, it's a lot for the sanity of the people around me. I started reading your blog to see what else you were saying about me. Then I read only to find out what's going on in K's life. I fucking miss her and I will not be afraid to admit that. Yeah yeah, tell me I deserve it again. Like I said, I feel sorry that I've fallen out with K but I'm sorrier that she's with you. Dismissing whatever brought me to this particular circumstances (in which, of course, you started by forcing her to 'choose'), just know that not all your readers are your fans. I scoff very loudly at some of your entries but I respect you enough to not post scathing comments insulting your command of the language so really, just stop thinking that just because people hate you, it MUST be because they are jealous of you. Even more so, stop poking your nose into my issues with my friends/fiends. I don't know what your intentions are but they are not helping.
Stop pushing your luck. Really. I've tried to be as civilized as possible already. PEACE, for fuck's sake.
I'll start from a month or so before your birthday and skip the start of the year thing where the stupid bitch went at me.
Remember your planned holiday to BKK which was a sorta birthday celebration that you'd so desperately looked forward to 'cause you'd to cancel all thoughts about a trip with J, the mega materialistic flirt who did not appreciate a free trip ? You kept telling me during smoke breaks how much you NEEDED the BKK trip to go through 'cause you needed that holiday. Well, your mom started freaking out over the riots going on.
Came a few days later, the freak outs got so bad that an aunt of yours went at length to stop you from going to BKK. And she succeeded.
You called me before that and spoke to me for more than an hour, ranting and raving about the frustration you feel that no one understands. I told you how your mom is just being concerned and you replied that you KNOW, but it didn't help matters. You bemoaned the fact that you've changed money and packed your luggage and that you're all set for BKK that is not going to happen. You also bitched about that aunt who 'isn't really that nice a person'. Then, you thanked me for listening and said everyone has been telling you to chill and to look things the right way which you 'do. not. want. to.' even though you know what they say it's right but me, you know I'm right and why you're willing to listen to me is because I did not push matters and I considered your point of view. Then you said that you only want to talk to K or myself because we are truly your good friends 'although K is busy right now and cannot be reached'. Remember ? Guess not.
So you went to KL instead of BKK. The day after you were back, I tweeted to everyone
You however, replied:
Me:
And then you didn't reply. It was a weird tantrum but I was used to it - you'll randomly get mad at people in general and then be okay after a while. Our friendship has always bounced back, so I thought. On your birthday, I texted you and wished you. After some 12 hours, you replied a word: Thanks. Then Wy wished you.
Your reply ?
Duh I saw it. You guys were on my list of friends ! So confused and annoyed me tweeted you
And no surprise there, you didn't reply again. In fact, you never tweeted me again. In a bid to find out what was going on in your life, I went to your account and tadah ! You've been tweeting the stupid bitch almost daily. No, I'm not jealous. But the coincidence, really ? Was this primary school or high school ? After hanging out with her, you just don't want to talk to me anymore ?
So it went on for months. You bet I was mad. I'll admit I was proud too. I figured since you stopped talking to me for no reason at all, I wouldn't bother with you too. Then we drifted apart and because I never know if you'll be working, I stopped going to Subway for my favourite sandwiches altogether. I wouldn't know how to deal with that awkwardness between us.
Then a month before I left for Europe, I thought things through and I called you. I called you for a million reasons like how this friendship meant something and how I missed your shit and how I hate not being able to go to Subway or have a smoking buddy but most importantly, I couldn't bear the thought of 'losing' someone else to Renny. K - fine, she fell in love. Wrong or right, I don't know though I strongly feel the former. But you ? You who laughed with me at her wild 'dance' moves, who told me the tragic news that she has zits on her back, who confided in me that you never liked her hitting on K and how you hate how dramatic she is as a person, who scoffed with me at her 'confidence' which are mere self-delusions, who told me in all seriousness to tolerate her for the sake of our buddy, who admitted that she has gone too far in insulting K's friends, who very angrily told me how ridiculous it is that K is forbidden to club without her as there's a chance K will be drunk, and you with whom I plotted her murder - YOU. What happened ? I don't know, you tell me.
So I called. And you didn't pick up. Then you called back to a number which apparently wasn't familiar, at all and refused to acknowledge when I call you 'Ka' like I always do. It went like, 'Hi, may I know who called ?'
'Ka ?'
'Huh ?'
'Ka, huh ?'
'Huh ?'
*heaves a sigh* 'Jawk huh ?'
'Uh huh ?'
'Beryl here. Are you free now ?'
'Er..'
'For a smoke ? Or just to talk ?'
'About what ?'
'About things. Us, I supposed.'
'I'm actually quite busy now'
'Okay ........ How about after work ? I can wait'
'Uh, I'm actually quite tired today'
*silence*
*more silence*
'Urm, okay then. Can you call me back when you're free ? I think we really need to talk ?'
'Ya. Ok.'
'Ok then. Thanks.'
You never called back. I thought you might had really forgotten know ? I mean, I didn't think you'd truly brush me aside like this without an explanation.
You did tweet though.
I still wonder if that's for me. Assuming it was, WHAT DID I DO ?!?! Otherwise, no replies, again. Very fucked up. Very angry and desolated me left for Europe without a chance to make things right. While there, I constantly read your tweets for Renny and K. Things which would have been tweeted '@xxx @xxx Hahahahaha' went like 'Hahahahaha @xxx @xxx' so that I can see it. Were you rubbing it in my face ? I don't know. Was I upset ? Quite. Was I mad ? Fucking hopping mad. Anger was an easier emotion to handle than confusion and desolation though. I was pumped up with anger and frustration that I wasn't even worthy enough of a 'You did this and that that's why I'm mad. Now, fuck off !'
So I tweeted
Ya ya I know I said I'll wash my hands off. I'm eating those words now. Back to my point, do you blame my frustration ? I don't know. Did you know it was for you ? Yes, definitely. Your reaction ? I don't know. This ?
I will never know what went wrong because I know even a post like this wouldn't make you talk to me. But I'd to, yknow ? Wy asked me why the hell I bothered if you didn't but you know me, I cannot take this kinda shit lying down for long. Especially when I read the stupid bitch's blog entry.
One question: WHY SO LOW ?! What made you run to her to tell her about my locked tweets TO YOU ?! You obviously made some effort there. It's disgusting. It's pathetic. It's sad. And I'm sadder that what's left of our 'friendship' has gotten to that. I must have done something really wrong for you to get the #2 person on my hate list to defend you.
Blah blah blah. I just had to do this post to get things off my chest because no one else understands or listens anymore when I complain. Everyone says I'm wasting my time and it's a losing battle with stupid people and it probably is but y'know, I just HAD to do this. Things wouldn't change, but at least I don't feel that much of an idiot anymore. You just .. cleared things up for me when you did what you did. Am I still angry ? No, no longer. Upset ? No, not much. Amused ? Yes. It's just sort of like sad nostalgia when I think back about our times hanging out with K at void decks and 401, or I softly laugh at the memory of trying to handle the both of you when you were drunk, or like how you guys will randomly buy me Sagiko Soft Jelly Drink and proclaim your love for me, or the wish list you guys wrote when I went to BKK. Y'know ? Things like that ? Things which you fondly remember but just shrug and go 'C'est la vie'. I hope it's only on my part though. At least I can attribute what you guys did to fun times memory loss. Or maybe it was fun times on my part only ... Ok whatever, will stop doubting myself because of you two.
And now Renny, if you're reading this and thinking of poking your nose in again, just shut the fuck up. I'm fucking sick of battling wits with you because it's no fun battling against someone unarmed. Right from the start, I never liked you because you totally forced yourself on K by shamelessly going after her. You sure were dead persistent but look, I made the effort in being considerably polite when I met you for the first time. You were too, thank you very much, but things obviously went downhill thereafter. To do a short recap, K, whom I usually meet 3x a week, I saw only 2x in 3 months. Obviously I wasn't happy. You should get that feeling. I don't feel like I own her and she belongs to me, but I missed her. Fucking much, if I might add. Did I complain ? I can't remember. I probably did. Who wouldn't ? So after one supper with K one night, I found your blog a few days later. You launched into one bloody tirade against her for all the times she met me and claimed how she has forsaken you by going to Vietnam/Bali with me and how she was at my birthday party when she could have been with you for I-don't-know-what and I was fucking surprised. K never said a thing to me which on hindsight, was smart. She knows I'd blow my top. When I whined that we met little, she always pacified me and gave me reasons which I realised at that point of time were excuses. Even in that very entry, she had to lie so you wouldn't be so mad that she met me. Fuck sad. And in that very entry, you just HAD to insult me by saying I'd arms like roti parancis. So YOU started the verbal war, not me. What did I do to step on your toes then, I don't know. Ask to meet my friend ?
So I asked K and she very uncomfortably and shamefully admitted that you 'didn't feel comfortable about me' but that you were just 'overreacting' and then she apologised on your behalf. I told her she was a cock then 'cause YOU should be the one being apologetic, not her. She obviously told you to stop what you were doing or at least censor your words, but you carried on mocking me. From being so fucking afraid that K has something on with me and being called a paranoid, over-possesive, and crazy bitch by me, you changed tact and suddenly claimed that I am jealous that you have K. Jealous for fuck ? Hell yeah, I used to like her but we were good friends already ! And what was my girlfriend - fake ? Why am I suddenly jealous that you have her and I don't !? And then came your stupid blog entries about how you're going here and there with K. It was pathetic. If I were to be childish like you are, I'll tell you that I sat on a plane with her before you did. And oh, slept on the same bed first too. And oh, kissed her lips first too. Oh oops, I just acted totally immature !
My point is, I don't care. I don't give a shit that K belongs to you despite the poor choice she has made (although it bothers me A LOT that I cannot meet her anymore). I do, however, give a shit how you treat her. I heard you forbade her from drinking 'cause she becomes a mess whenever she drinks and I was thoroughly incensed. If *I* tolerated her mess of a drinking state as a friend, who are you to say shit !? And then you raved about how I always use my 'friend' card to make her meet me. HELLO ? Lim bu met her 2x in 3 months and it was after a lot of arm-twisting. WHAT FRIEND CARD ?
Blah blah blah. You called me names, I called you too. I wished you could insult me beyond calling me synonyms of fat though. It got boring after a while. I didn't call you stupid till you pissed me off so badly though and even then, I first used 'Are you stupid or crazy ?'. If you thought stupid fitted you better, who was I to disagree ? I'll concur, happily of course.
I never 'expected' anyone to agree with my point of view either. I stated things from my point of view and never once forced anyone to agree with me and 'say nay to Renny'. Ask Jawk - if she can still find that bit of honesty within herself, of course - if I ever once told her to choose. I'll tell you that she said you've gone too far insulting K's friends and she's fuck-pissed with you the drama queen, but she's withholding herself. In her words, 'She's wrong la B, but never mind, I won't say anything for now. Once she hurts K though, I'm not gonna let her off and I will fuck her upside down'.
And no honey, I don't intend to get into your life, at all. Ask K - I told her that even if things got good with you in future, I'll never accept you as 'one of us'. I lost K and I'm sorry for that. I'm even fucking sorry about everything that happened between her and I but things cannot be salvaged and I don't intend to try to break things any further than it already is. You though, should really shut the fuck up already. Many times you insulted me, I bore it till I couldn't. Always, it was for K's sake 'cause I knew what kinda position I was putting her in. Now, it's a lot for the sanity of the people around me. I started reading your blog to see what else you were saying about me. Then I read only to find out what's going on in K's life. I fucking miss her and I will not be afraid to admit that. Yeah yeah, tell me I deserve it again. Like I said, I feel sorry that I've fallen out with K but I'm sorrier that she's with you. Dismissing whatever brought me to this particular circumstances (in which, of course, you started by forcing her to 'choose'), just know that not all your readers are your fans. I scoff very loudly at some of your entries but I respect you enough to not post scathing comments insulting your command of the language so really, just stop thinking that just because people hate you, it MUST be because they are jealous of you. Even more so, stop poking your nose into my issues with my friends/fiends. I don't know what your intentions are but they are not helping.
Stop pushing your luck. Really. I've tried to be as civilized as possible already. PEACE, for fuck's sake.