Climbing Uphill
I've been bottling most of my emotions inside and letting the bitterness, anger, and depression fester. There are many people out there who hate my guts and will love to see that I've finally cracked and lost. The mask of indifference and arrogance that I'm wearing covers me no better than a wet white t-shirt on a pair of tits in "Maxim" (I'll admit my defeat humors me). I am here now to say I am weak and have fallen, for my enemies-- go ahead and laugh; I'm raw and hurting, but go ahead and laugh. My decision to now unblock my entries is not to write and play to an audience's emotions or what not, I am here to lay it all out and for once and for all tell it as it is.
I hate myself and who I am. I'm a failure at so many things, and the things that aren't completely fucked up I'm picking the pieces up and trying to fix. My relationship with Ryan at the moment is disintegrating and it scares me so much that I may not be able to ever experience what I once did with him. Ryan means so much to me. My eyes are rarely dry and the times they are dry I'm trying my best not to cry. Nights are spent eating my comfort foods; coldstone cake batter icecream with cookie dough mashed in, popcorn, and mashed potatoes while watching "Pride and Prejudice" on the big screen in the den. I can't help but feel like I've failed. Ryan says its completely his fault, in which he woke up one morning and didn't know if he loves me anymore. He's currently so swamped with so many problems and issues that I've decided to give him space and let him sort out of his issues. I told him we are a team and that I'd do anything for him, but he's got to resolve some of his problems on his own. I feel useless to him, and even worse, I feel like I'm adding to his problems by trying to work at our relationship. Everything reminds me of him; I've been so desperate and pathetic lately that I went to Nordstroms to smell the cologne, John Varvatos, because it was the cologne I bought him as a gift when we went shopping together for the first time and what he smells of. The lady at that section of the store put a sample of the cologne in a vile, because they didn't have any free testers of the product. I'm so pathetic. I'm going to stop... this is enough shame for tonight...
I was prepared to write about my life and what i hate about myself in general, but I need to lie down right now.
I hate myself and who I am. I'm a failure at so many things, and the things that aren't completely fucked up I'm picking the pieces up and trying to fix. My relationship with Ryan at the moment is disintegrating and it scares me so much that I may not be able to ever experience what I once did with him. Ryan means so much to me. My eyes are rarely dry and the times they are dry I'm trying my best not to cry. Nights are spent eating my comfort foods; coldstone cake batter icecream with cookie dough mashed in, popcorn, and mashed potatoes while watching "Pride and Prejudice" on the big screen in the den. I can't help but feel like I've failed. Ryan says its completely his fault, in which he woke up one morning and didn't know if he loves me anymore. He's currently so swamped with so many problems and issues that I've decided to give him space and let him sort out of his issues. I told him we are a team and that I'd do anything for him, but he's got to resolve some of his problems on his own. I feel useless to him, and even worse, I feel like I'm adding to his problems by trying to work at our relationship. Everything reminds me of him; I've been so desperate and pathetic lately that I went to Nordstroms to smell the cologne, John Varvatos, because it was the cologne I bought him as a gift when we went shopping together for the first time and what he smells of. The lady at that section of the store put a sample of the cologne in a vile, because they didn't have any free testers of the product. I'm so pathetic. I'm going to stop... this is enough shame for tonight...
I was prepared to write about my life and what i hate about myself in general, but I need to lie down right now.