its not worth it anymore...
...y does god want this for me? y did he bring me this asshole to b the one i love? y wont he just snap his fingers and fix everything for me? im a good person...i dont deserve this. ive never done this to anyone ever so y am i getting it done to me? y does he continously treat me like shit..like some piece of trash? better yet y do i keep goin back for more? i can't do it anymore. nothin is worth this pain. yea i missed him when we weren't together but at least i wasn't gettin treated like shit. i was bored as fuck and mayb not as happy for the few times he has made me happy but its better than gettin treated like this. i can't take it anymore. im about to fuckin snap. life for me isn't fuckin worth it. he's ruined it for me and i fuckin let him. y cant he fuckin grow up and learn how to treat his gurl? he doesn't love me, he doesn't care about me. i mean aboslutly nothing to him. but yet i just keep lettin him hurt me. there's gotta b more than this..but yet i cant seem to find it. there's no one here for me to even turn to. all my friends have moved away or have become busy w/ their own lives that i rarely get to see them. mayb thats y i keep goin back to him...there's no one else around. at least if im sittin at his house im not sittin alone. but than the worst way to miss someone is to have them next to u and know they aren't gonna b what u want and give u what u want. i know i can't have the john i want and i dont want the john that i have. i will b his friend..fine..but no longer will i do shit for him. i am done doin that shit.
wednesday..my day off...i wanted to sleep til at least 1130-12ish but for some reason i was up at 9. i tried to sleep some more and wound up just layin in my bed w/ my eyes closed til 945. i got up and took my shower and than did my homework and ate breakfast. i was done w/ everything i had to do by 1245. so i just relaxed and watched passions. mom came home at 2 and i got ready and we left around 230. we went to the eye dr to get my glasses but they were closed so i guess ill have to wait. i need more contacts too. this is my last pair. so than we went to the mall. i got 5 pairs of socks..it cost me like 20 bucks but they are the cutest socks. than we went to the disney store but they didn't have what we were lookin for. we went into ny and company and saw stuff we liked so decided to ocme bak on sunday w/ our coupons. than we went to kb toys and foudn the tigger thing we wanted for logan. so now we have his easter present. than we went to cost cutters for easter candy. and than i was starvin so i wanted to go to mcmobil. i got a cheeseburger happy meal and a vanilla shake. on the way home john called the cell. i told him i would call him when i got home. so mom dropped me off and she went for her haircut. i assumed..stupid me..that me andjohn were hangin out. i called him back. he was home 15 min early but his ride had to leave early so thats y he had to leave early. so i asked if he wanted to play cards. he said no. i asked if he had any games to play. he said no. i asked if he wanted to play scattergories. he said no. i said ok than what do u wanna do. he said he was tired and was takin a nap. so i said i thought we were hangin out and he said we had no plans and i said well i figured since it was my day off we could finally hang out in the day time instead of always late at nite but he wanted to nap. so i ate and laid down to watch tv. i was gonna take a nap just to pass the time but i couldn't fall asleep. seanie called to make sure we were still goin and i said yea. he said he was gonna call me when he got outta work. so than i watched tv some more. i called john around 630 to see if he was still comin w/ us so i would tell him when to b ready. he said no he was gonna sleep. did i really expect him to hold true to his plans? like wtf. we got into a fite and basically like always he didn't give 2 shits. what else is new. so i went online. i was talkin to melissa...she was still goin. she said she would drive so i told her iw ould let her know when seanie called so she could pick us up. i played online checkers, backgammon and reversi and than seanie called. he was comin over now. so i imed melissa and told her we were ready. she said she had to put on pants so she would b over in 5 min. 15 minutes later she finally came. we got to the pool hall around 9ish or so. in reg and 9 ball sean beat us 4-1. than we played cutthroat twice and sean won the first one and i won the second one. omg sean was like on crack. he was so fuckin hilarious and retarted all at the same time. it was the funniest game of pool ever. prob more fun than if john was to come b/c than sean prob wouldn't have acted so retarted. or john would've been embarrassed of it or w/e. i had fun. around 1045 my cell phone rang. it was john but since themusic was so loud i couldn't hear him. he wanted to know what i was doin and i said playin pool. duh. he said still and i said yea and he asked what time we got there and i said idk 9ish. i told him i would call him when i got home b/c i could barely hear him. he said when was i goin home and i said this was our last game. than we hung up. we paid. it came to 15.40. sean paid 1/2 and than me and melissa split the rest and i bought a snapple. i went home and called john. idt we really talked about anything. just the normal bustin each others balls. than we got ina fite..a mini fite. i asked if he found anyone to go the his show. i was hintin at him sayin well ur goin or something that indicated i was invited. he started ramblin off all the ppl from work. includin becky. sweet. so he asked all them but not me. so i said something like i guess ur not invitin me and he said i assumed u were goin. ok sweet. everytime i assume something im wrong for assumin but he's not. i told him i wanted him to invite me b/c everytime i think im invited and im not i get disapointed and im tired of bein disapointed. we got into a mini fite about that. i dont remember everything really. he also said he was gonna get 2 E pills for 15 each if he had the money. so that was cool. so we would just have to get a hotel room and get shit settled before i sleep w/ him again b/c there has still been no "i love you" and its been 3 weeks now. than i went to bed.
wednesday..today..i got woken up by a phone call. i didn't know what time it was. it was john. he was sick..sore throat and he thinks he had pink eye..he wanted me to pick him up. stupid me says ok. y the fuck am i doin him another favor? wtf is wrong w/ me. i look at the clock and its like 905 am. i told him i would b there around 945. so i get up and throw on some clothes and leave. i get there on time and pick him up. i asked him if he had gone to the bank and he said yea so i asked for $5 for gas. he argued w/ me. im doin him another fuckin favor and h'es arguin about gas money. wtf is that shit. so i tell him to just gimme $3. so he does and i get $5 gas. i asked him if he got the E pills and he said no b/c what was he gonna do w/ the other pill. i said i thought he was givin it to me. he said exactly so i said ok than what r u talkin about. he wanted me to pay for my pill. but yet he didn't say anything b/c i would've paid for my pill. i ask him y he didn't ask and he said i should've known. so now im a mind reader. i said well when u say ur buyin something and dont ask for me to pay half that pretty much seems like ur payin for it. so he told me to stop assuming. so ok i said what about all the times he assumes shit and he said like what and i said for the first 2 weeks u assumed i was sleepin over all the time and u assumed i was goin to ur show. he said well y wouldn't i assume i was goin to ur show when u've always gone to my shows while we were goin out. i said well we're not goin out i thought we were just friends. he said ok so u sleep w/ ur firends and i said no i told u i didn't wanna sleep w/ u anymore that i didn't wanna give u the perks w/o the responsibility. and i was thinkin to myself "ur the one who doesn't want to hop back in a relationship but yet ur assumin we're goin out when 1. u haven't said anything to me about us gettin back together officially and 2. u have yet to say i lvoe u. so than after some silence he says that we cant go on teh trip. natural reaction from i say y. he goes y would u even ask that y the fuck do u think. so i said money. he said exactly. sorry for bein normal and askin y as a reaction to something said to me. so than i ask if he could borrow 50 from brian and than pay him back w/ his income tax return. he said no and got like all attitude b/c he said i kept pushin. wow i asked one thing..dam me for bein pushy. we drove some more. i asked him if he was comin over or goin home. he said goin home. so we get to his house and i said i have drops for his eye and he puts them in and than gets out and says thanx for the ride ill c ya later. ummmok. so he sees me lookin at him and he's like what so i said um ..kiss goodbye? he said friends dont kiss. ok so now b/c i dont wanna sleep w/ him b/c i actually wanna get a relatinsihp and not b a fuck buddy he wont kiss me. amazin. so i ask for a hug and kiss on the cheek after fitin w/ him for that for a lil while. he says he doesn't hug his friends either. so i said well u hug and kiss kristen on the cheek. and he goes thats different b/c he hasn't seen her in a few months. i said ok well i haven't seen leo or kenny in over a year and i didn't hug and kiss them ont he cheek and he goes OMG u say shit and try to make sense so that ur rite but ur not. like ok...i forgot..im just the brainless idiot who can never b rite. so i drove off. i got down teh road and called on my cell askin him y he continually treats me like shit. he just kept screamin at me sayin he's sick and that im the one who said we were firends and no matter how many times i said no u said we were friends that u didn't want a relationship he just wouldn't listen. god forbid he is the one who is wrong. but no i just like to put everything on him and never admit when im wrong. ok w/e. when im wrong i say sorry. i dont t hink im perfect but i know i sure as hell treat him like a fuckin king. my phone died as my battery was low. so when i got to my house i called him and said my battery was dead. he said the convo was over anyways. we got into another mini fite and i said "well u wonder y i think ur fuckin usin me. i do everything for u and u treat me like shit" and htan i hugn up and threw the phone. i took a shower and got changed. i called him again to ask if i could borrow his 50 cent cd but he left it inthe car. so i ate breakfast and did some hw. the mail came. i got my state check...$56. so stupid me calls him and makes a deal w/ him. if he agrees by tuesday to sit down and actually talk about the shit than i will pay for his half of the trip for now but he has to give me like 5 or 10 dollars a week until he has paid me back. he said ok. we hung up. i forgot to ask him something so i called back. i said that i forgot to ask something and that he couldn't yell. he said omg u just keep callin. so i said than fuckin forget it i know the answer. i was gonna ask him if he loved me b/c i needed to know. he doesn't. its fuckin obv to a fuckin monkey that he doens't give 2 shits about me. omg i was fuckin goin crazy w/ hurt and hate and anger and love all in one shot. i couldn't take it. i called yet again cryin sayin i had to talk to him that i was goin crazy w/ depression. i started talkin and he said "im sick i dont wanna talk i wanna sleep" i said i just wanna knwo if u love me but its obv u dont or else u would've said it. and i hungup. than i went online. i started doin my stuff and than i called him again. i asked if it would b alrite if i came over for a lil bit..no talkin i just wanted to lay w/ him. for some reason bein next to him calms me down. he said "omg how many times have u called" so i said sorry i just figured it would make me feel better. n/m ttyl bye. and hungup. than i came back online and here i am. im not doin that trip deal w/ him anymore. im not gonna fuckin bribe him to talk to me. if he cared he would talk to me. i just wish he wasn't bein such an ass. just b/c i dont wanna sleep w/ him doesn't mean i dont wanna like kiss him and shit. i didn't make that clear when i spke in the car so that kinda is my fault but he should've kissed mewhen i tried to talk to him at his house about it. but he didn't so thats his house. i gotta finish some stuff on here and than get ready for work. im just gonna call him one more time today and that is only to tell him to get the E pills and i will give him my 15 the next time i see him. at least this way i get to have my pill so if we dont hang out i can take it and feel happy on one of my bad days. it'll take away the boredom.
wednesday..my day off...i wanted to sleep til at least 1130-12ish but for some reason i was up at 9. i tried to sleep some more and wound up just layin in my bed w/ my eyes closed til 945. i got up and took my shower and than did my homework and ate breakfast. i was done w/ everything i had to do by 1245. so i just relaxed and watched passions. mom came home at 2 and i got ready and we left around 230. we went to the eye dr to get my glasses but they were closed so i guess ill have to wait. i need more contacts too. this is my last pair. so than we went to the mall. i got 5 pairs of socks..it cost me like 20 bucks but they are the cutest socks. than we went to the disney store but they didn't have what we were lookin for. we went into ny and company and saw stuff we liked so decided to ocme bak on sunday w/ our coupons. than we went to kb toys and foudn the tigger thing we wanted for logan. so now we have his easter present. than we went to cost cutters for easter candy. and than i was starvin so i wanted to go to mcmobil. i got a cheeseburger happy meal and a vanilla shake. on the way home john called the cell. i told him i would call him when i got home. so mom dropped me off and she went for her haircut. i assumed..stupid me..that me andjohn were hangin out. i called him back. he was home 15 min early but his ride had to leave early so thats y he had to leave early. so i asked if he wanted to play cards. he said no. i asked if he had any games to play. he said no. i asked if he wanted to play scattergories. he said no. i said ok than what do u wanna do. he said he was tired and was takin a nap. so i said i thought we were hangin out and he said we had no plans and i said well i figured since it was my day off we could finally hang out in the day time instead of always late at nite but he wanted to nap. so i ate and laid down to watch tv. i was gonna take a nap just to pass the time but i couldn't fall asleep. seanie called to make sure we were still goin and i said yea. he said he was gonna call me when he got outta work. so than i watched tv some more. i called john around 630 to see if he was still comin w/ us so i would tell him when to b ready. he said no he was gonna sleep. did i really expect him to hold true to his plans? like wtf. we got into a fite and basically like always he didn't give 2 shits. what else is new. so i went online. i was talkin to melissa...she was still goin. she said she would drive so i told her iw ould let her know when seanie called so she could pick us up. i played online checkers, backgammon and reversi and than seanie called. he was comin over now. so i imed melissa and told her we were ready. she said she had to put on pants so she would b over in 5 min. 15 minutes later she finally came. we got to the pool hall around 9ish or so. in reg and 9 ball sean beat us 4-1. than we played cutthroat twice and sean won the first one and i won the second one. omg sean was like on crack. he was so fuckin hilarious and retarted all at the same time. it was the funniest game of pool ever. prob more fun than if john was to come b/c than sean prob wouldn't have acted so retarted. or john would've been embarrassed of it or w/e. i had fun. around 1045 my cell phone rang. it was john but since themusic was so loud i couldn't hear him. he wanted to know what i was doin and i said playin pool. duh. he said still and i said yea and he asked what time we got there and i said idk 9ish. i told him i would call him when i got home b/c i could barely hear him. he said when was i goin home and i said this was our last game. than we hung up. we paid. it came to 15.40. sean paid 1/2 and than me and melissa split the rest and i bought a snapple. i went home and called john. idt we really talked about anything. just the normal bustin each others balls. than we got ina fite..a mini fite. i asked if he found anyone to go the his show. i was hintin at him sayin well ur goin or something that indicated i was invited. he started ramblin off all the ppl from work. includin becky. sweet. so he asked all them but not me. so i said something like i guess ur not invitin me and he said i assumed u were goin. ok sweet. everytime i assume something im wrong for assumin but he's not. i told him i wanted him to invite me b/c everytime i think im invited and im not i get disapointed and im tired of bein disapointed. we got into a mini fite about that. i dont remember everything really. he also said he was gonna get 2 E pills for 15 each if he had the money. so that was cool. so we would just have to get a hotel room and get shit settled before i sleep w/ him again b/c there has still been no "i love you" and its been 3 weeks now. than i went to bed.
wednesday..today..i got woken up by a phone call. i didn't know what time it was. it was john. he was sick..sore throat and he thinks he had pink eye..he wanted me to pick him up. stupid me says ok. y the fuck am i doin him another favor? wtf is wrong w/ me. i look at the clock and its like 905 am. i told him i would b there around 945. so i get up and throw on some clothes and leave. i get there on time and pick him up. i asked him if he had gone to the bank and he said yea so i asked for $5 for gas. he argued w/ me. im doin him another fuckin favor and h'es arguin about gas money. wtf is that shit. so i tell him to just gimme $3. so he does and i get $5 gas. i asked him if he got the E pills and he said no b/c what was he gonna do w/ the other pill. i said i thought he was givin it to me. he said exactly so i said ok than what r u talkin about. he wanted me to pay for my pill. but yet he didn't say anything b/c i would've paid for my pill. i ask him y he didn't ask and he said i should've known. so now im a mind reader. i said well when u say ur buyin something and dont ask for me to pay half that pretty much seems like ur payin for it. so he told me to stop assuming. so ok i said what about all the times he assumes shit and he said like what and i said for the first 2 weeks u assumed i was sleepin over all the time and u assumed i was goin to ur show. he said well y wouldn't i assume i was goin to ur show when u've always gone to my shows while we were goin out. i said well we're not goin out i thought we were just friends. he said ok so u sleep w/ ur firends and i said no i told u i didn't wanna sleep w/ u anymore that i didn't wanna give u the perks w/o the responsibility. and i was thinkin to myself "ur the one who doesn't want to hop back in a relationship but yet ur assumin we're goin out when 1. u haven't said anything to me about us gettin back together officially and 2. u have yet to say i lvoe u. so than after some silence he says that we cant go on teh trip. natural reaction from i say y. he goes y would u even ask that y the fuck do u think. so i said money. he said exactly. sorry for bein normal and askin y as a reaction to something said to me. so than i ask if he could borrow 50 from brian and than pay him back w/ his income tax return. he said no and got like all attitude b/c he said i kept pushin. wow i asked one thing..dam me for bein pushy. we drove some more. i asked him if he was comin over or goin home. he said goin home. so we get to his house and i said i have drops for his eye and he puts them in and than gets out and says thanx for the ride ill c ya later. ummmok. so he sees me lookin at him and he's like what so i said um ..kiss goodbye? he said friends dont kiss. ok so now b/c i dont wanna sleep w/ him b/c i actually wanna get a relatinsihp and not b a fuck buddy he wont kiss me. amazin. so i ask for a hug and kiss on the cheek after fitin w/ him for that for a lil while. he says he doesn't hug his friends either. so i said well u hug and kiss kristen on the cheek. and he goes thats different b/c he hasn't seen her in a few months. i said ok well i haven't seen leo or kenny in over a year and i didn't hug and kiss them ont he cheek and he goes OMG u say shit and try to make sense so that ur rite but ur not. like ok...i forgot..im just the brainless idiot who can never b rite. so i drove off. i got down teh road and called on my cell askin him y he continually treats me like shit. he just kept screamin at me sayin he's sick and that im the one who said we were firends and no matter how many times i said no u said we were friends that u didn't want a relationship he just wouldn't listen. god forbid he is the one who is wrong. but no i just like to put everything on him and never admit when im wrong. ok w/e. when im wrong i say sorry. i dont t hink im perfect but i know i sure as hell treat him like a fuckin king. my phone died as my battery was low. so when i got to my house i called him and said my battery was dead. he said the convo was over anyways. we got into another mini fite and i said "well u wonder y i think ur fuckin usin me. i do everything for u and u treat me like shit" and htan i hugn up and threw the phone. i took a shower and got changed. i called him again to ask if i could borrow his 50 cent cd but he left it inthe car. so i ate breakfast and did some hw. the mail came. i got my state check...$56. so stupid me calls him and makes a deal w/ him. if he agrees by tuesday to sit down and actually talk about the shit than i will pay for his half of the trip for now but he has to give me like 5 or 10 dollars a week until he has paid me back. he said ok. we hung up. i forgot to ask him something so i called back. i said that i forgot to ask something and that he couldn't yell. he said omg u just keep callin. so i said than fuckin forget it i know the answer. i was gonna ask him if he loved me b/c i needed to know. he doesn't. its fuckin obv to a fuckin monkey that he doens't give 2 shits about me. omg i was fuckin goin crazy w/ hurt and hate and anger and love all in one shot. i couldn't take it. i called yet again cryin sayin i had to talk to him that i was goin crazy w/ depression. i started talkin and he said "im sick i dont wanna talk i wanna sleep" i said i just wanna knwo if u love me but its obv u dont or else u would've said it. and i hungup. than i went online. i started doin my stuff and than i called him again. i asked if it would b alrite if i came over for a lil bit..no talkin i just wanted to lay w/ him. for some reason bein next to him calms me down. he said "omg how many times have u called" so i said sorry i just figured it would make me feel better. n/m ttyl bye. and hungup. than i came back online and here i am. im not doin that trip deal w/ him anymore. im not gonna fuckin bribe him to talk to me. if he cared he would talk to me. i just wish he wasn't bein such an ass. just b/c i dont wanna sleep w/ him doesn't mean i dont wanna like kiss him and shit. i didn't make that clear when i spke in the car so that kinda is my fault but he should've kissed mewhen i tried to talk to him at his house about it. but he didn't so thats his house. i gotta finish some stuff on here and than get ready for work. im just gonna call him one more time today and that is only to tell him to get the E pills and i will give him my 15 the next time i see him. at least this way i get to have my pill so if we dont hang out i can take it and feel happy on one of my bad days. it'll take away the boredom.