depression is goin further and further
down hill.
ok so i haven't been on to do this in a few days. im not really in the mood to sit here and go day by day all the awesome details. a brief summary of shit will do.
wednesday. didn't so anything. watched 2fast2furious again. john is still bein a jerk. 4th day we haven't hung out. ive just about had it really.
thursday. went tanning. joined the gym. worked out for an hour and a half. came home and showered. went to shoprite. didn't talk to john actually all day. he never called and neither did i. i always call him and always ask to hang out. if he doesn't want me in his life so be it. watched friends, will and grace and hook. i told mom i didn't wanna celebrate mother's day this year. i think she took it the wrong way. it has nothin to do w/ her. its just that i should b a mother and im not and ive been breakin down almost every day now.
friday. went tannin and went to the gym. went out to lunch w/ gramma and judy. called john. asked if he wanted to hang out. he said no. of course not. 6 days now. i asked if i could borrow his halloween movie. gave me a hard time yet again. but he finally said w/e come and get it. he met me at the door w/ it. and i said what i can't come in. like what is he hidin? i got in and asked just for a hug. he wouldn't give it to me. i poured out everything ive been feeling. basically he didnt wanna hear it. i took the movie and said fine i can't keep tryin. u dont wanna listen when it alk and u dont wanna talk about shit. i went in the kitchen to get a napkin and wipe my eyes and nose. he stood in the hall. didn't say a word. i walked out w/o sayin anything else. he didn't say a word nor call me the rest of the nite. i returned the movies. watched reba and what i like about u and than went in my room and watched waterworld and slept.
saturday. today. worst day ever. john still doesn't wanna hang out. no matter what i do. i told him that he doesn't want me in his life so y should i keep tryin. we have fought all week. he has been a total jerk. i toldhim straight from the beginnin i wasn't in this to b a fuck buddy but i guess he didn't listen...like y would he care rite? i went to the gym. went to lowes. got in a giant fite w/ mom. im suppossed to b goin to cali but she forgot. we fought about that, miami, and my depression. she just doesn't understand and its like she's not even willin to listen. we fought forever. about eveyrthing thats been botherin me. she cursed me out and left. i called my gramma and she said i could talk to her but seein how she doesn't know about the abortion i couldn't talk to her about everything. john called. he said he wold hang out w/ me tomororw. i was hystreical. i begged and imean begged him to come over...i just needed someone. i got denied. amazin rite? i said y should it hink u care...its not like im ur gurl anymore. we hung up. he said he would either call me later or after football. i cant do it anymore. i really cant. after all the shit i really really needed him tonite and he didn't even give a shit. that was def the last straw. if we hang out tomorrow than fine. if we dont ill tell him that he's never gonna find another gurl like me and just wait for my money and than not bother w/ him anymore. i can't keep settin myself up for disapointment. thani caleld gramma back. she came over. she sat w/ me for awhile. mom was home by than. didn't even say 2 words to me. still hasn't. and here i am. my fun and great life rite? yea i tried to slit my wrists today. it didn't work. i have some cuts but nothin deep. i guess i couldn't bring myself to actually doin it. but everyday that i drive i pray a mac truck just hits me and ends it all. i need to b a mom. its not even a want anymore. its like if i ever wanna b happy again 100% i need to b a mom. mayb a sperm bank will b the only solution i have. who knows. haven't given that a lot of thought. w/e.
ok so i haven't been on to do this in a few days. im not really in the mood to sit here and go day by day all the awesome details. a brief summary of shit will do.
wednesday. didn't so anything. watched 2fast2furious again. john is still bein a jerk. 4th day we haven't hung out. ive just about had it really.
thursday. went tanning. joined the gym. worked out for an hour and a half. came home and showered. went to shoprite. didn't talk to john actually all day. he never called and neither did i. i always call him and always ask to hang out. if he doesn't want me in his life so be it. watched friends, will and grace and hook. i told mom i didn't wanna celebrate mother's day this year. i think she took it the wrong way. it has nothin to do w/ her. its just that i should b a mother and im not and ive been breakin down almost every day now.
friday. went tannin and went to the gym. went out to lunch w/ gramma and judy. called john. asked if he wanted to hang out. he said no. of course not. 6 days now. i asked if i could borrow his halloween movie. gave me a hard time yet again. but he finally said w/e come and get it. he met me at the door w/ it. and i said what i can't come in. like what is he hidin? i got in and asked just for a hug. he wouldn't give it to me. i poured out everything ive been feeling. basically he didnt wanna hear it. i took the movie and said fine i can't keep tryin. u dont wanna listen when it alk and u dont wanna talk about shit. i went in the kitchen to get a napkin and wipe my eyes and nose. he stood in the hall. didn't say a word. i walked out w/o sayin anything else. he didn't say a word nor call me the rest of the nite. i returned the movies. watched reba and what i like about u and than went in my room and watched waterworld and slept.
saturday. today. worst day ever. john still doesn't wanna hang out. no matter what i do. i told him that he doesn't want me in his life so y should i keep tryin. we have fought all week. he has been a total jerk. i toldhim straight from the beginnin i wasn't in this to b a fuck buddy but i guess he didn't listen...like y would he care rite? i went to the gym. went to lowes. got in a giant fite w/ mom. im suppossed to b goin to cali but she forgot. we fought about that, miami, and my depression. she just doesn't understand and its like she's not even willin to listen. we fought forever. about eveyrthing thats been botherin me. she cursed me out and left. i called my gramma and she said i could talk to her but seein how she doesn't know about the abortion i couldn't talk to her about everything. john called. he said he wold hang out w/ me tomororw. i was hystreical. i begged and imean begged him to come over...i just needed someone. i got denied. amazin rite? i said y should it hink u care...its not like im ur gurl anymore. we hung up. he said he would either call me later or after football. i cant do it anymore. i really cant. after all the shit i really really needed him tonite and he didn't even give a shit. that was def the last straw. if we hang out tomorrow than fine. if we dont ill tell him that he's never gonna find another gurl like me and just wait for my money and than not bother w/ him anymore. i can't keep settin myself up for disapointment. thani caleld gramma back. she came over. she sat w/ me for awhile. mom was home by than. didn't even say 2 words to me. still hasn't. and here i am. my fun and great life rite? yea i tried to slit my wrists today. it didn't work. i have some cuts but nothin deep. i guess i couldn't bring myself to actually doin it. but everyday that i drive i pray a mac truck just hits me and ends it all. i need to b a mom. its not even a want anymore. its like if i ever wanna b happy again 100% i need to b a mom. mayb a sperm bank will b the only solution i have. who knows. haven't given that a lot of thought. w/e.